Inchy Today: Thru 21st Aug 14

W22 headersozI was up at 0330hrs. (No choice in the matter, urgent WC attention required and I couldn’t get off afterwards Tsk!)

Usual brekkers, took medications and then thought I’d start the laptop and get on with some posts I’d nearly got ready for WordPress.

The laptop took an inordinately long time to start, I really am expecting the worst from the old gal soon. When she did get going, I lost the BT signal repeatedly.

Eventually I go both going after several reboots, restarts and complete reboot. Good old BT.

Spend far too long getting graphics ready for post later, but I did enjoy doing them though.

About 1230hrs, I did me ablutions and put me togs on, and set off I’d decided, to walk to Nottingham Hospice shop taking some bits for em again, and then to catch bus to town and go for a ride out to Derby, taking me books with me. See… I can plan ahead yer know sometimes.

As I was going up the little hill, I thought the skyline warranted a photo – hen I got the camera case out of me bag, I realised I’m left the batteries on change back in the hovel.

So, I hobbled backed to the hovel and got em um put in. Change of plan at this stage.

W22 7 sheepI had a walk into town (Took photo), and caught the round-about route bus to Bulwell. Then visited the Fultons cheapo Freezer shop in the hope of getting another pack of the cheapo but very good microwave pork sausages, and they had some in again, so gorra pack.

Then had a walk to the cheapo shop, but again, they had nowt in I wanted or fancied.

By now, me feet and knees were aching to say the least.

Dropped the things (DVDs books and a wall clock) off at the Headway Charity Shop, and bought a book, as I’d finished me Hitler the Commander book on the bus going there.

W22 06 scootW22 05 theatreBelieve this or not, but a Mobility Scooteress reversed and nearly clobbered me – I tooketh a photo, but she was well on her way by then.

On me hobble back to the bus station I called in Heron Frozen food shop to have a decker. They had some orange suckers at 10 for a quid, and Bread flats on offer at a quid, so I got one of each like.

As I was walking past the market place, a Mobility scooter came close to catchin’ me one as he went passed me and jumped off and went into the bookies… Tsk!

Caught the 17 bus back, cause it drops me off quiet close to the flea-pit.

No yobs about I’m very glad to say. Bet they’ll be out later…

As I turned into the stW22 04reet, the were a dead mouse at me feet! So I took a photo like.

Got in, started the laptop, put me nosh away, made a cuppa. I updated this crap, and posted it.

Did some microwave sausage sandwiches with bbq sauce, followed my an orange sucker. And ate it when I got off the WC.

Taketh care all.

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MARJORIE & CYNTHIA DISCUSS WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF THE SCOTS VOTE ‘YES’ TO INDEPENDENCE

marjorie

“Marjorie do you think if those Scottish people vote in favour of independence next month we’ll have lots of smelly fat illegal immigrants from that awful Glasgow place squatting in our holiday homes in Buckfastleigh? I mean I understand they favour our local ‘Buckie’ to tap water even (not that I think they have tap water that far north mind) and without a currency of their own plus a newly manned border separating England and Scotland they’ll be gagging for their drink of choice I reckon.”

“How very true Cynthia – God just think of it, a wave of Glaswegian…….I don’t think they shave very often do they, and they all also as a matter of choice fashion their vests with gravy stains….yuck…..asylum seekers seeking residence in the shires of our green and pleasant land. I really do hope the Border Agency are taking the appropriate steps.”

“What do you mean ‘appropriate steps’?”

“Well they’ll obviously have to learn the language.”

“What language?”

“Glaswegian darling, Glaswegian. I’ve heard tell it’s the most difficult of all tongues to learn you know. Moreover as the Glaswegians are invariably the worse for drink there is very little of their language committed to the written word. Lord only knows what they’ll do when interviewing them and such like.”

“I suppose they’ll be trying to take the jobs of our menfolk then?”

“Oh I don’t think so – we should be safe on that front for as I understand in general Glaswegian males don’t care for work, save for the ones who become cannon fodder type soldiers. No, no worries on that front but they might try to steal Mars Bars – of all things – from our confectioners for they cannot get enough of them to deep fry I am told.”

“I think I’m more worried that they are fearsome brutes either drunk or sober. Perhaps we should spruce up that Hadrian’s Wall thing…..you know point missiles at them…..things like that.”

“Anyway someone really needs to tell them to fuck orf I think. Perhaps we should have the army manning the border?”

“Oh dear darling I just had a thought – if I’m not mistaken all our soldiers, not the officers obviously……you know the ones in the British Army that is…….they all come from Glasgow.”

“Well that’s us fucked then dear.”

“True.”

 

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♫ An Inchcock’s lot is not a happy one (Happy one)… ♫

Lot top

Lotheadinch

This may make very sad reading, I think you will agree,

It’s not for Inchcock, a holiday on the Aegean sea,

A hobble to feed the ducks on the canal is what it’ll be,

He lives on dry bread and out of date beans or mouldy brie,

You cannot call him educated or a bourgeoisie,

He looks like a demented overweight limping pygmy,

He’s old and decrepit, for his coffin he’s now ready,

Gets as much respect as a Brooke Bond chimpanzee,

He puts up with insults, innuendo and much phooey,

Many including himself questioning his sanitation and sanity,

His Brother in law thinks it is time to have him put down gently,

His arthritis and angina make him gobble vitamin B,

He hobbles around talking to himself each day,

Arthritic knees, and his waterworks are getting leaky,

The eyes and hearing are going, and he’s got dropsy,

His pension is limited although not measly,

How long his new heart will last, we can’t guarantee,

He craves a woman – he’s more chance of winning a grand prix!

Death is not unwelcome to Inchy – it will set him free,

From being bullied, ignored and mugged badly,

Before he goes, perhaps just one plea?

Before he gets to meet Hitler and Elvis Presley,

Please give him in heaven, a nice settee,

His earth house is too small to get one into you see,

Oh, and some another things he’ll miss clearly,

The cups of nice strong flavoured Yorkshire tea,

His bladder’s endless calling him to painfully pee,

The insults, the snubs and muggings he has to decree,

His daily hobbles, when he has the vitality,

His fear of Mobility scooters, he’s been hit by three,

His nervousness of going out when it’s icy or slippery!

If you want a consultation with him, anytime it’ll be free,

Don’t call him though, he’s been cut-off by BT.

Thank you matey

GCHatonpole

Anyone wanting a copy of me ‘Don’t get feeling down, you might not drowned’ booklet, I have a few copies left at a reduced price from £9.99 down to 2p

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Gaz & Clivey in “Headless Thick Uns”

clivey & Gaz profile

 

“Morning Clivey! You alright son?”

Never mind all that sycophantic old toot squire, I’ve come up with a nifty little tickle that’ll see us in clover for the rest of our naturals my old son”

“Blimey! What’s occurring then bruv?”

“We’re going to become global icons Gaz. We’re going to be famous the whole world over son. In short, we’re going viral!”

“What we’re going to start infecting people with ‘orrible diseases mate?”

“Better than that matey! We’re going to make a movie short that will spread across the internet like vegemite on an Aussie Sheila’s toast my old mucker”

“A movie short eh? Lovely job boy! What are we gonna be doing in it then?”

“Beheading son”

“Beheading? Wot chopping people’s ‘eads off and that?”

“Yeah”

“Well it sounds alright I suppose but how’s that gonna make us famous mate”

“Screw yer loaf Gaz! Didn’t you read about that Jihadist geezer that cut some yank’s swede off with a sword or sumfink? The boy was all over the web in no bastard time. Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, the full fucking monty squire”

“Yeah I read about that mate. Nasty business if you ask me. So who are we gonna behead then son?”

“Inchy, Mike, Churchmouse and Lenny mate”

“Wot we’re gonna behead all the other LOMM writers mate? That seems a bit harsh”

“Listen dont worry about it me old china. No bugger will notice they’ve gone and we’ll not only be famous on the internet but we’ll have the entire gaff to ourselves son. We can do head to head skits morning, noon and bastard night!”

“Sweet as a nut bruv!” But what about if we get sussed out by Old Bill mate? We’ll get our collars felt and end up spending the rest of our lives behind bars in the old shovel and pick”

“I’ve already thought of that mate. If Lily Law comes after us we’ll go on the run to Rio mate. Just like Ronnie Biggs did when he had it on his toes from Dartmoor chokey. We’ll live like kings mate. Topless birds fanning us with their drawers, endless supplies of pukka grog. We’ll be absolutely quids in cocker”

“Yeah but Ronnie ended up back inside mate. He was in shit state when they finally let the poor bleeder out”

“Yeah it was a shame about Ronnie to be fair Gaz”

“Yeah shame”

Clivey

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Inchy’s Letter to LOMM 13

AlfDear LOMM,

I find myself concerned for the world in general today.

I fear I cannot see or even imagine the over population of the world ever being solved.

I fear the only way to possibly solve this would be the small wars will increase to a degree of them collectively being more destructive than the two world wars combined, and leading to a gradual elimination of mankind.

Or a new more virile strain of Aids will encompass the world.

Or the outbreak of new deadly disease (Ebola?) will destroy all humankind.

I fear that human trafficking will become the norm throughout the world.

I fear that politicians will become the scourge of mankind. (They’re on their way there now surely).

I fear my nuanced analysis of Pakistan, reveals it is the most dangerous and likely country to start a nuclear war, China is second.

I fear than the integration of any cultures into the environment of another, can only lead to disharmony, strife and rioting. The history of human nature over the years surely proves this theory?

I fear that biological weapons may well be the cause of our annihilation.

But most of all, I fear England will never again win the World Cup.

 

Alf Ramsey

Celestial Bliss Avenue

Afterlife Village

Kingdom of Heaven

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Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham: Bulwell

18 8 02Along Bulwell Main Street

18 8 03

Join our guide for the day, decrepit Senior Citizen and Retired Cinema Wall Gas Light Lighter and Snuffer Outerer Technician of bad sanitary habits and Nottingham resident Juan Inchcock Chambers, for a walk: Along Bulwell Main Street today, comparing the same walk with that of 1963, when your guide was working on that same street.

Your tour guide Juan Inchcock will stroll down from what today is the KFC take away, at the end of Hucknall Lane along Main Street into Bulwell Market and to the train and tram Station.

We start off at:

2014:

The recently ram raided Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet.

1963:

Where once stood the proud Adelphi cinema, tickets from 9d (4p) to 1/3d (5¼p).

2014:

On our left, is a second hand car showroom, offering on the front, a 1992 Land Rover for £6,999.

1963:

On the same spot, amazingly, there was a Land Rover dealership outlet, offering a new Land Rovers at £2,935.

2014:

Further up on the left, stands the dilapidated old Sharp’s Vauxhall Dealership premises – destroyed when travellers used it as a base some years ago, and been for sale or rent ever since, no takers though.

1963:

Sharp’s Vauxhall Dealership premises, offering the new Chevette from a price of £1,593!

2014:

On our right, the Cancer Research charity shop, that was in the news recently when they were raided by two knife wielding local yobs.

1963:

Two cottages, later bought by investors and sold to Councillor Arbuthnot.

2014:

Further along, the Extra Charity shop, with furniture etc available for those in need.

1963:

A motorbike shop. With the new Honda 50 cub at under £100 for sale.

2014:

The new Tesco now stands on our left – as yet not raided or fire bombed, but it’s new, give them time. Although the local shoplifters took to it straight away.

1963:

The Scots Grey public House, beer at 1/- (5p) a pint, skittles alley, darts, dominoes, tip-it, bar skittles, shove halfpenny, fags at 3/2d (15¼p) for twenty, good company, an RAOB lodge and a buxom landlady… ah memories!

19 8 001b2014:

As we veer left to main shopping part of the road, come across, a closed down retail unit, another charity shop, a closed down retail unit, a stationery shop, a bank, another charity shop, a closed down retail unit, a Pay Day Loan outlet, a cake shop, a bank, a building society, a closed down retail unit, a butchers, Iceland, a cheap frozen food shop, a closed down retail unit, a shoe shop, a charity shop, a pub, a bingo shop, a buy your gold shop, a closed down retail unit, the ATM that was raided last week outside the bank, the alleyway where the two women were attacked last February, and the ram raided jewellery store that has not opened since, Ali’s newspaper shop, a closed down retail unit, finally near the market place, the Wilko’s store that was broken into last weekend, another favourite with the local shop-lifters.

1963:

There was, a newspaper shop, a sweet shop, a greengrocers, a wet fishmongers, a chip shop, a second hand shop, a bank, a police station, two pubs, a butchers, a cake shop, a Sanderson’s Tripe shop, a Fine Fare supermarket, a Cycle shop, a hairdressers, a hardware shop, a bakers, Roses shoe shop, a Farrand’s grocery shop, a post office, and a wines and spirits shop. The shoplifting craze hadn’t fully installed itself with the local at this time.

2014:

Now at the market: It has all been pedestrianised, the market is no longer held five days a week, but three, and the 54 stalls that used to be there, are down to about 11. Bakers, three greengrocers stalls of sorts, socks & gloves stalls, hot-cold take-away foods, fishmongers van, four women’s clothes stalls, games stall, DVD stall, Accident insurers/claims people lurking, and depressed big issue sellers were there on the day of our visit.

18 8 041963:

Then, there were several greengrocery stalls, two bakery stalls, two butchers stalls, pottery stalls, a fishmonger, a hot pie and peas whelks etc stall, a chip shop van, a grocery stall, a florist stall, men’s-wear stalls, ladies-wear stalls, shoe stalls, toy stalls, record stalls, hardware stalls, sweet stalls, etc. The trolley buses terminus around the traffic island. (3d [1¼p]maximum fare)

2014:

Around the market: Greggs hot food (20% VAT), Cohen’s Jewellery shop, cheap freezer centre, cheap foods, a pound shop, stationers, a butcher who sells his meat by the tray with no weights indicated, a book shop, JCP benefits office, the Police Station torched in the riots (still closed), the bus station (£1.80 minimum fare), café’s, the canal (where the two kids threw another kid into it last January), the new Tram stop, and the highly ignore pedestrian crossing.

1963:

Marsden’s Grocers (I worked there), Newspaper shop, sweet shop, shoe shop, Jewellery store, Woolworth’s, Elmo supermarket, Co-op grocers, pub, the butchers who sold the glorious beef dripping with jelly, Chip shop, Police Station (With Policemen), furniture shop, record shop, and a Cowheel, tripe, pie & jellied eel shop. The sound of the market in 1963 were those of the barkers selling their wares and food, the bus conductors calling out to the passengers, the laughter of the children and their mothers telling them off, and the occasional sound of traffic. (The trolley buses made no noise other than that of their tyres)

Today, we heard the constant stream of bad language coming from the kids, while their mothers ignored them as they were using their mobile phones to shout down, and the sound of emergency services sirens seemed to be always in the air.

Never mind eh!

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Inchy Today: Wed 20th Aug 14

19 8 001Evening Tuesday 19th

Tried to get some sleep in, I knew I felt drained and weary. But no such luck. Tried reading my book, I had no concentration though. Put a DVD in my little player, ‘Westworld…’ (Another one for the Charity shop) that did it, off I went.

Wednesday 20th August 2014

Woke up 0230hrs, full of dread and fear. Must have been dreaming again, but couldn’t recall anything about it. Drifted off again.

Sprung awake at 0430hrs. No chance of further sleep this morning I thought.

WC, okay.

19 8 001a

Inchy’s breakfast today

I remembered I’d got me Morrison’s order coming between 0630 – 0730hrs this morning, so reluctantly got up.

Laptop started, made a cuppa, grape-nut flakes and medications taken.

WC, okayish.

Started doing graphics and writing posts while awaiting Mr Morrison.

. There order came, and there was nothing substituted or missing.

Finished Inchy’s Beloved Grizelda Part 3 and posted it. Then did a new one from Patti Beckert’s site about the Mobility Scooters.

Got letter from DVLA telling me my Driving Licence that they took away from me after me heart operation was going out of date and I need to renew it?

Filled in form tellin’ em, and got a wash and change ready to take to post office and renew it then. See what happens.

Started on me walk into Sherwood about 1315hrs. Took camera, just in case owt should be suitable to photo like… yer know.

Called at the Haberdashery (there it is again, Haberdashery… I love that word) shop, and the lady sorted me a firmer cushion out, for £4.99, the last one in the shop bless her.

I then dropped into the post office and got the right stamp on me DVLA letter I sent back.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

What a sky!

Took a photo of the sky over Sherwood, cause it had some black clouds with sunshine bursting through some.

Then to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop with some stuff.

I was walking back, and realised I’d not got me cushion with me!

I hobbled back to all the places I’d called in – but no signs of it – what a class one pillock I am!

I got back to the den about 1500hrs, a little miffed with myself about losing the cushion. Especially after the kind lady had looked so hard to get me one to suit.

Laptop on, made a cuppa and decided to have a potato and veg mix, with me last slice of cooked pork, and a small tin of garden peas for tea… supper whatever you call it later.

BT internet keeps fading out – well I never, who’d have believed that eh!

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Professor Amadeus Grimesworthy Gives Lecture in Nottingham

CrotchHeadInch

Professor Amadeus Grimesworthy Gives Lecture in Nottingham

‘We must ensure a future for our children’

Nottingham University’s Emeritus Professor Amadeus Grimesworthy PhD, EdD, DClinPsych, LPsy, and Wicker Bottom Chair Repairer, gave a speech to the Crotch Crescent Community Club Committee in Nottingham last week.

Professor Grimesworthy is involved with many Child Charities and help organisations including:

* As Catering organiser for ‘Childline’: the24 hour helpline for children and young people in danger or distress.

* As Misuse of Drugs Advisory Supplier: for the ‘National Youth Advocacy Service’ (NYAS).

* He is Funeral Options Consultant for ‘Sibs’ who support siblings who are growing up with or who have grown up with a brother or sister with any disability, long term chronic illness, or life limiting condition.

* He is currently Chief Warden at ‘Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre’ (CEOP)

* The Treasurer of the ‘Children’s Society’: A children’s charity which wants to create a society where children and young people are valued, respected and happy.

* The Director of ‘SKSIAKW’ – ‘Stop Kids Shoplifting in a kind way’.

He arrived at the centre, parked up his Range Rover, posed for the press photographs, and entered the shed.

Crotch 01

Caretaker and Treasurer Mike Steeden greets the Professor, who could not find the shed door

He was welcomed at the 11 seated Le Grand meeting hall shed at the side of the disused and fire-bombed Radford Road Police Station next to the torched police vehicle compound, and was introduced to the audience gathered, by caretaker and Association Treasurer Mike Steedon (22).

The lecture was entitled ‘We must ensure a future for our children’

“We must” he began with a stern expression, “learn from the past, and ensure the future of our children.”

“Already we have used up the natural resources of this planet at an alarming rate… and the death of our planet is imminent!”

A belch from a tattooed lady in the front row caused a little tittering at this point.

“We must coerce the Governments to reinvest in space exploration – for there is no other choice available to us, than to find a planet where our future populations can live, thrive and reproduce, for the existence of our species.”

Someone’s mobile rang out, and a voice was heard saying “Yea yea yea innit… ten spiff’s okay… alright Gaz?”.

Professor Grimesworthy continued, “So precious to the human race are our children, that nothing is too expensive or good for them – for they are our very future… their very essence must me treasured, the children are our future.”

He waited momentarily for signs of appreciation and applause from the audience that didn’t come, just a few swishing sounds from the opening of cans of beer.

Professor Grimesworthy continued again, “It is our responsibility, after the mess our and previous generations have made of this very world’s resources, to commit ourselves to providing the young of our planet, with the capability and reality of precious survival!”

Someone passed wind, and a Big Issue seller entered the hall.

Crotch 02

Oh dear… the Professor’s car

At this point the door flew open, and in ran a Community Police Officer, who whispered into Mr Steeden’s ear.

Mr Steeden then woke up the Chairman, Mr Danton and whispered into his ear. Mr Danton then whispered into Professor Grimesworthy’s ear.

Professor Grimesworthy then ran outside to find his Range Rover on bricks, the wheels stolen, the music centre removed, and he saw the graffiti momentarily through the flames of the fire scrawled on the doors.

Crotch 03

Chairman Clivey-Boy forces himself to console busty blonde Binaround Brenda!

Professor Grimesworthy turned red in the face and screamed out: “The little B_____rds!”

While they awaited the arrival of the Fire Brigade and Police, Professor Grimesworthy was comforted by a local woman, Binaround Brenda (56), then Chairman Mr Danton said ‘He would take care of her.’ The Professor complained and cancelled his next trip to Nottingham, as he drove off in a taxi.

The Chairman was last seen consoling Binaround Brenda, as she rested on his cars bonnet.

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Samantha Freshly-Pissed’s Highly Inappropriate Vehicle Transmission Clinic And 4 Ale Bar

drunk woman

“It’ll cost you 200 quid’s worth of Jack Daniels just to get me to look under the bonnet guvnor”

 

Dear Samantha

I have a 2002 Honda Accord with a slipping clutch and would like to have a go at replacing the assembly myself.  However I’m a bit nervous about getting the friction and pressure plates correctly aligned without using a special tool. Any help or advice you can give me on this one would be most welcome.

Toby Hampton

Manchester

*********************************************************************

Dear Toby

YER FUCKIN’ BASHTA YERSH! ARE YOU STARIN’ AT MY AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION FLUID TANK? I’LL TEK THE FUCKIN’ LOT OF YERSH! YOU’RE ME BESHT MATE YOU ARE. GISSA FAG? G’WAN GISSA FAG. I LOVE MY FUCKIN’ KIDSH I DO! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERGH! CHRIST!

PS. Try using an old gearbox input shaft in a place of a clutch alignment tool. You’ll find it’ll do the job just as well. Now then, if I let you have a couple of pints on the house could you give me your honest opinion on the state of my rancid old growler?

All The Very Best

Sam

Clivey

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Inchy’s Beloved Grizelda: Part 3

 03 pagetop

Their first Trip to the Cinema

03 02 boot

I loved going to see this film… not that I saw much of it mind!

Grizelda and I were going to see the film ‘Das Boot’ at the Metropole Cinema in Sherwood, Nottingham. Not far from the flat where I had the erotic pleasure of sharing with my beloved Grizelda.

Earlier, I was on the step ladder, hanging the curtains, when she reminded me to get ready in time, as she lifted me down from the step ladder, and carried me in her magnificent rippling arms into the bathroom to get ready.

All ready, we walked to the cinema, me as proud as punch as I walked alongside her looking into her square jawed Arian face.

03 01ABC

Another Cinema lost, but that didn’t hurt as much as my losing Grizelda… Tsk!

We got settled into the seats, ready for the show to start.

As soon as the lights dimmed, I felt her left hand creep over my right leg, (I instantly sensed a grateful tingling sensation), and a smile crept over her face. (And an even bigger one over mine).

After a while she put her rippling arm around my neck and shoulders, I can still sense the perfume from the underarm hairs that encased my ear-hole, as she tweaked my left nipple. By gad she was wonderful.

I looked up and gave her a big thank you smile, and in reply she gave me a little cuddle with her left arm – I felt and heard me ribs crack, I’m sure I did.

03 04 ABC

The grand inside of the Metropole cinema – I found it grand inside that day too!

At the first interval of the film, she explained to me how the U-boat’s snorkel was a device which allowed U-boats to run on diesel engines even when underwater, who invented them, and other technical details of the boats design failings.

She continued with telling me where and when the different Wolf-packs operated, and how her Uncle Otto, had been in the Kriegsmarine and had survived the war, and was now a Polizeihauptmeister, one of her bosses at home,  in their Landespolizei force.

As the lights once more dimmed for the second half of the film, she turned her attention to a very pleasurably accepted activity.

I’d have liked to return the favour, but being under her muscular solid body, I could not move. Let alone reach any suitable target.

I hadn’t managed to concentrate on the film much, but I was deliriously happy by the end it, and reached up to hold her hand as we departed the cinema to go home.

03 03Through the flats front door, and excited mutual passion broke out again!

Into the bedroom: I was thrown all over the place in the ensuing grappling.

God, how I miss her!

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