MARQUIS de SADE SEEKS TO CONTROL HIS ‘DESIRES’ – A very ‘silly’ tale!

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De Sade: “Tell you what luv I’m thinking of giving up my sometimes overwhelming greed for sadistic sex. I find that my deprivation levels in terms of domination of the weaker species have long since commenced their inevitable dissipation.”

Renee (aka Mrs De Sade who speaks in an incredibly annoying high pitched voice): “Oh well that’s typical of you, you selfish twat. I spend all these years against my better judgement perfecting the role of your masochistic muse and now, when at last I’m taking to my task with some gusto and panache you drop me like a hot potato. How very, very thoughtless.”

De Sade: “Hold up luv – it’s nothing personal. I’m just not in the groove that’s all.”

Renee: “And, I might add, what’s going to happen to your collection of neo Gothic caste iron sex toys. You’ve spent fortunes at Ann Summers over the years, not to mention the faux fur covered handcuffs from Poundland. If you think I’m going to help you sell all that gear off at a car boot sale you’ve got another think coming I’m telling you. Twat. What would the neighbours think.”

De Sade: “I don’t propose to rid myself of my accumulation of erotic devices of bondage just yet luv. You never know I might still have the occasional dabble every so often as the fancy takes me. I mean the manacles on the four-poster alone cost a pretty penny and they hold memories of wanton lust I shall always treasure. Do you remember that night….”

Renee: “Don’t you dare give me that old twaddle. Look you either have given it all up and we sell all your kit and increase the ever depleting family coffers or we get back to the way we were before.”

De Sade: “Oh bollocks do what you like with it then, that’ll be my magnanimous gesture when I book myself in at the monastery up the road. You see I’m also thinking of turning to God and prayer for my salvation. Redemption for my former blasphemies if you like.”

Renee: “Well that’s the last straw. I’ve heard it all now. And do you think you could really control your sadistic tendencies when all those young virginal trainee nuns turn up every week to tend to the monks cucumber fields? Do you? Do you really?”

De Sade: “I’d forgotten about that. Um……….I don’t suppose you know what the nuns wear under their habits do you?”

Renee: “Don’t know; don’t f**king care – put that in your pipe and smoke it.”

De Sade: “I’ve let you down again luv haven’t I?”

Renee: “You could say that. And for that matter if you’re taking of your leave I want all those dodgy ‘selfies’ I took back. If they turn up on your Facebook page I’ll have your guts for garters.”

De Sade: “Would I ever do such a thing? Mind you that’s given me a certain stirring in me loins. I do believe that the very mention of your rousing ‘selfies’ has me reverting to type. Do you fancy a quick bit of unbridled lechery with a good measure of servitude on your part?”

Renee: “You’ve always been a smooth talker you old devil. Don’t mind if I do.”

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An Appeal On Behalf Of Disabled Comments

A particularly irritating, time-consuming comment pictured being cruelly stifled last night

 

During the festive season it’s so easy to forget those less fortunate than ourselves so I’m launching an appeal on behalf of disabled comments, particularly those on this blog.

Yesterday I had the heartbreaking experience of visiting a number of these poor, wretched, long-winded irritations in the isolation wing of our comments section, and was immediately moved by the fortitude and dignity they displayed. One of them told me that it had been in there since the early hours of Sunday morning after attempting to pass an observation on Inchy’s nob, while another had been left languishing for days in the pending section after praising a 20,000 word piece about a nude woman by Mike Steeden despite not having actually read it.

So let’s spare a thought for these poor, time-consuming wretches at this joyous time of year and show them that they’re not just being cast aside and forgotten like a half-gnawed turkey drumstick or a pair of thermal socks from Auntie Maude.

Please dig deep and send your contributions to:

Clivey Dee

The Queen’s Arms

Green Street

Upton Park

London E13

Thank you.

PS. If it’s top class commenting you’re after, why not visit the Irritating Fuck section of this magazine where their proud boast is that every comment, no matter how banal or sycophantic, is treated with an equal amount of mirth and disdain before being screwed up and booted out of the window

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Inchy’s Message for the future – from one of his dreams!

I actually dreamt of writing this post last night – so I wrote down bits I could remember and embellished it a tad. Really odd occurrence, even fer me! 

Message for the future

The extemporaneousness with which I formulated these thoughts is plain to see.

And as such I believe they may well be of value in later years to psychiatrists’, ‎Clinical neurophysiologists, Psychologists, Psychoanalysts and maybe even Holistic and alternative medicine doctors. Not to mention the inmates of asylums so they understand the philosophical implications of why mankind ended. 

Dream01mps

Asylum Inmates

It is not that I am an anti-environmentalist or anything like that like.

It’s just that I do not have a xenodochium to accommodate unnecessary textual extravaganza in my slightly discombobulated brain at this moment.

A certain disinterestedness comes to the fore whenever the subject of environmentalism rears its inconsequential non-germane head.

How can anyone with the slightest of EQ not realise that the future will soon be the present in terms of the end of mankind?

Even the children of the affluent wealthy nepotistic nihilistic Politicians, despite their having laid plans to ensure their own and families survive any apocalypse by cunning planning and manipulation of parapsychologists for guidance and the availability of any resources that they feel they require will not subsist the man-made denouement of our species.

I believe these words of wisdom I write here will become pseudepigraphous to any future breed of mankind, should any develop in the future and ask than anyone who can think of a way to preserve them to guide any new species in the future, in an effort to warn them of how philoprogenitiveness , fraudulent powerful social divisions between those who have and intended to keep and those who never got because of this, self-eliminated mankind, and above all greed.

I’ll take a few moments to analyse the causes and symptomatology of this condition… illness, this state of pending.

Dream02sex

Philoprogenitiveness – Rife amongst the proletariat since Adam ate the apple!

Dream01asex

Philoprogenitiveness – It was all Adam’s fault!

Philoprogenitiveness: Throughout the planet this has been a driving force and substitute for wealth within the under-privileged and pauperised classes of mankind. And this only made things far worse in the long run. But such elements of humankind were not able or willing to accept this due to their feeble-mindedness and injudiciousness, so rife amongst the proletariat and essential for keeping the manipulative crème de la crème, aristocracy, and preponderant gentry in control and power that caused the undemonstrativeness and ineffectuality of the lower-classes within the so called leading edge avant-garde nations, who were so enamoured and fascinated with their TV sets, mobile phones, take-away meals, avoiding work, mugging the elderly, DVDs, benefit fiddling, betting shops, pop music, football matches, drugs and sex that they failed to see how they were being controlled by the politicians and yet they seemed happy as long as their Housing subsidy, and child care allowance was not taken from them? If they 

could afford a drink and the odd snort they seemed content and didn’t worry about things like food and working. Thus, they really were manipulated and manoeuvred into a belief that they were well off by the clever untrustworthy expense fiddling politicians.

The Ebola disease did not end mankind’s reign on earth.

This was started in the UK by the Big Issue seller’s revolt of 2015, when they went on strike refusing to sell the people any Big Issue magazines. (Not that that changed anything from normal other than it was the Big Issue sellers refusing to sell them as opposed to the public refusing to buy the Big Issue magazines!)

The environmentalist’s were concerned and encouraged the Government to import more Big Issue sellers into the country to replace those on strike.

Dream03Ed

President Milibandski

This was agreed by President Milibandski.

They brought in so many that Lithuania, Poland and many other countries were so low on population their Nuclear power stations began to decay with the scientists having gone to the UK to sell Big Issues this caused catastrophe after catastrophe and the whole world was covered with nuclear fall-out when they exploded.

As the proletariats died off, the  crème de la crème, aristocracy, and preponderant gentry in control made there way to their nuclear fallout shelters – only to find massed Big Issue sellers muggers and shoplifters awaiting them, and they tore the politicians to pieces – their frustration and anger knew no bounds.

Dream4endUnfortunately they could not gain access to the shelters because they didn’t ask for the door codes before enjoying their massacre of the rich.

The mob made their way to the nuclear arms storage depot at Upper Denture and along with the also doomed soldiers, they raided the storage armoury and detonated the stock-pile of missiles and bombs.

Enough power to split open earth’s crust.

Thus… the end!

You might wonder how I can write

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Inchy’s Security Woes: The wind blew hard across the decaying graveyard…

GY001

 The wind blew hard across the decaying graveyard

GY01Inchcock had been assigned as Static Guard for the Rempstone College, out in the wilds.

His responsibilities were many-fold, the fishing lake, Tennis courts, Golf area, 5 residential blocks a bank, a theatre, Liecestershire Police undercover car compound and ARV storage shed, library, church yard & Cemetery, Roman gardens, 2 bars, Artwork galleries, tutors quarters, classrooms, computer room, archive room, cellars, restaurants, games rooms, 550 student quarters, a Lido and Money safes to name a few.

A cold and lonely place at night, especially when the students and staff were on holiday as on this night.

He was the only person on the 8 acre site… or should have been.

At 0105hrs on patrol and the wind blew hard across the decaying graffiti’d gravestone littered cemetery…

Creating unholy noises, and blowing up the Guard Inchcock’s trouser legs something rotten, as he made his way across the used condoms, broken spirit and mentholated spirit bottles scattered generously amongst the dog droppings, coke cans, and maggot ridden dead rats along the path on his way to swipe the electronic Security check point, thoughtfully super-glued on the side of child’s headstone.

As he scrambled over the broken park benches, and rubbed the mould-growth from his uniform, he heard a loud bang, emanating he thought, from the end of the nursery drive, in the area of the undercover police car compound.

GY02The customary tightening of the urine valves took place, as he stood still to try and listen over the wind, for any more unusual noises, but none came.

Being one of the more reliable Guards (or so he thought) he decided further investigation call called for – following his Assignment instructions, as well as Sito’s guide lines, he called for back up… well he tried to but the phone network had gone down! (Sods-law or what?)

He walked, using whatever natural cover was available, down the dark dank windy lane towards the gates of the Leicestershire Police undercover car compound, using his intrinsic skills to keep the noise to minimum…. until he stubbed his toe on some broken concrete, then the silent approach had to be abandoned when he exclaimed a loud clear ‘Bollocks!’ into the night wind as a response to the sharp pain he’d accrued.

So, out came the mag-light, he pulled himself up to show his full 5’ 3” of height and swaggered into the middle of the drive, so as to appear brave and dangerous to any possible intruder.

He passed wind and increased his walking rate, putting on his well known bravado swank, and talking loudly into the dead mobile phone…. “ETA ten minute control? …. Silence for a while to give the impression he was listening to someone on the other end of the one-way conversation…… “Roger, but don’t let the canine run free, I have residents returning home all night”…… “I’ll do a quick check, he knows the code for the gate… thanks, out!”

Feeling proud of this instantly thought up subterfuge, that foolishly gave him heart and assurance in his puny skills, the Inchcock moved on showing great confidence, and reached the gates of the Leicestershire Constabulary Undercover Vehicle Compound.

He had no key of course, but luckily the gates were in the same state as the cemetery furniture – rotting and presenting some handy holes through which he could shine his torch, still leaving room for him to get his head through!

All looked in order, but being the perfectionist he is, our Guard decided to climb through into the compound, to satisfy himself that no intrusion had taken place and all really was well. (The fool!)

Once inside, he realised the vast extent of the premises, at least 100 vehicles of all types scattered around.

So he turned off his torch, and used the shadows to creep around in on his self righteous mission to protect the property of our beloved officers of the law!

About a third of way around, and in the centre of the vehicles, he felt something moving about at his feet from under a van, he whipped out his mag-light and shone it down…… just in time to see the blood being drawn from his leg by the police dog, as it began to try and devour his left ankle. (He still has the scars, Inchcock that is not the police dog).

To this day he’s not sure how he managed to get out of there, but he did.

Granted he was minus his mag-light, part of his trouser legs, bits of his sock, his cap, his mobile phone, a portion on ankle flesh, and a few fluid ounces of blood, but he got out!

Only to be met by the fast arriving police cars pulling up in response as it transpired to the PIR alarm activation of the new system put in the night before on the compound, that no one had informed our hero about, otherwise he would not have set it off by going into the compound!

They could hardly administer the first aid due to their laughter.

Inchcock was relatively new to the Security Industry, and thought to himself: “It can’t be as bad as this every-night surely?”

It could and would be over the coming years.

The moral is….er….well, it must be in there somewhere I’m sure!

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Inchies Weak…Week.

Monday 8th December 2014

Woke around 0450hrs.

WC.

Laptop on and working, did posts for the League of Mental Men and Inchcock blog sites.

Checked ‘Little Inchy’ when I scrubbed him up, no blood! I think it is moderately safe now to say after 9 weeks, he’s healing up is almost complete… or should I have said that? Oh dear…

Washed and titivated meself and assembled things for me trip to the Queens Medical Centre Haematology for INR Warfarin level tests.

Card, bus-pass, camera, specs, long-johns on, gloves, hearing-aids in etc.

01M03Set off on my hobble into town and the sky that was so threatening yesterday morning was less daunting, although obviously holding some rain I thought.

Cold wind again but not so strong.

As I approached the Hucknall Road junction, I was taking out my camera to film the sky from the same angle as yesterday when a very loud bang was hear.

I could see passengers in the buses and car drivers looking around – but I could not find what caused the noise.

It sounded very close to me… but with my hearing who knows? A clear bang if that is the word to use?

01M02Another mystery of Nottingham life? I didn’t hear owt about it on the news later.

I carried on me walk up Mansfield Road (0940hrs approx) and the traffic was queuing already on its slow way into town.

A walked through ic bus station and into Victoria Centre to get some Lion bars from the cheapo shop. Four for a pound yer know…

01M04Caught the bus out to the hospital… what a driver I’m sure his intention was to cripple as many passengers as possible… or the brakes had just been serviced?

Still, we free bus-pass merchants mustn’t complain.

As I entered the frontage, I noticed a Christmas tree had been placed in the centre spot in the middle of the road so all those ward windows would allow the patients to see it?

Big queue at the Haematology Dep’t, but I’d took me crossword book so it didn’t matter.

Next time I’ll take a pen as well!

01M03aWhen I got in and I got done I gave the nurses their nibbles to which I’d added a few chocolate liqueurs to cheer em up and thank em for Christmas.

On my way out I noticed the rain had started to fall and stayed under cover a few minutes until it lessened a tad… a good job I did.

Cause I’d left one of me bags behind in the waiting area at the haematology, so limped as quickly as I could back there to find this man and woman going through the contents. They were looking for some identification they said, and handed over me bag when I told them the contents.

01M05I can’t take myself anywhere nowadays… Tsk!

As I came out of the hospital again, I looked down at the lower level and noticed the queue of cars for the car park was not moving, and some cars had been parked on the chevrons and double yellow lines. I should imagine this would be overlooked while all the tram works were hampering things.

01M01bThe new tram bridge into the compound was being inched into place in this photo from the Nottingham Post paper.

I caught a bus to town but it was a Broad Marsh bus, not the city centre – lethal for me finances that – I had to hobble passed three DVD shops… oh dear… Ans Lorna from the Troll Free Zone had recommended a film called UP – so naturally I called in to see if they had it in stock…

01M06I came put of the shopping centre with ‘The Expendables 3’, ‘All Creatures Great and Small full series’ and ‘Grudge Match’.

Then walked to Marks and Sparks to see if they had any headphones. They didn’t.

I continued on me walk to town in the drizzle, and noticed outside the 24hour McDonald’s was a street artists looking rather glum poor devil. He’d been working making a dog and cat entwined representation in sand and the rain had ruined it. Felt so sorry for him I gave him a quid anyway.

01M07I poddled up exchange walk, not easy with the crowds motorbility scooters, Big issue sellers and people on pushbikes… and got to the top eventually without injury and took a photo of the Winter Wonderland stalls, with all the happy cheerful friendly people (Lie detected!)

The background of the old Prudential building looked grand against the skyline.

I limped up and caught a bus back to Carrington and the flea-pit.

WC.

01M08Had to sort me medication dose pots anew.

All colour coded mind… good stuff yer know. Took me flipping ages to do.

Laptop started, had me nosh while I waited for it to start…

Blow me no internet connection again… bloody BT! So much for them convincing me to go on fibre and how it will be faster more reliable… and they said no extra cost, then the prices went up after I’d been on it for 1 week! It’s the French yer know, they own it… I think?

It came on after a few resets and rebooting the latop… Huh!

Set about finishing this Diary, then did some facebooking and blog reading.

TTFN all…

02Thead

02T01temp

Tuesday 9th December 2014

Awake but uncommonly weary at 0445hrs.

WC.

Started the laptop. Waiting for t to start I tackled the stair down to make a good strong cuppa. gingerly returned up the stairs back to the now started laptop.

I’m weary on the stairs since my fall backwards on them going up them. T’was a dizzy spell not the arthritis that caused the fall. Tsk!

Took my medications, remembering to have the extra Warfarin tablet.

Coreldraw working well at the moment, laptop a little slow. But hey, it’s working!

Got up to WC and afterwards I dropped my bottle of hand cleaner right on me left foot’s corn! I couldn’t have hit it better if I’d aimed it at it…  I do believe I might have uttered a swear word.

L Greggs Did a bit of Facebooking. And a lot of graphicalisationing on Coreldraw… until it froze again.

Still, I did get a lot done and posted on Facebook. I posted an old graphic wot I dun to TFZ, I hope the TFZers like the humour.

Made a cuppa and pot of porridge with added honey! I bet David Cameron wishes he could live as well as wot I do yer know… maybe not?

IMG_0353

A lack of human beings in Carrington this morning – no yobs or dustbin raiders? Very odd and worrying that!

IMG_0352Got missen cleaned up and semi-presentable and Painphor gelled me knees for me walk into Sherwood’s Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop, then hopefully into Bulwell for some nosh and feed the ducks.

Got the Nottingham Hospice shop thing, bus-pass, nibbles etc ready in bag.

Set out from the house taking a picture of the street.

Walked to the end of the street turned left to St Johns church, then right into Church Drive.

Where at this point I had not seen another human being (Using the term lossely) at all! Were they all Christmas shopping or had the aliens attacked and took em without anyone telling me? Hehe!

As I crossed the drive and a car ame passed that made me jump a tad that I realised I’d not got me hearing-aids in!

Back to the bomb-site and put em in and set off again…

Now realising how cold and biting the wind was this time I caught a bus into Sherwood – bless the pensioners free bus-pass issue!

02T03

Etched graffiti on the new bus seating”

Dropped te stuff off at the shop and caught a bus into town.

I observed as I sat there with me crossword book successfully failing to solve a single clue that the plastic seating in front of me had been graffitied, on looking around many seats on the new bus had been mistreated in a similar way.

I considered sending an email to Cameron asking if the punishment could fit the crime and the vandals should be scratched over the forehead with a Stanley knife with the words ‘Antisocial dick-head’?

But then of course this would mean that MPs would have to have the words ‘Liar, nepotist, nihilist and expense fiddler put on their heads…? (Hehe) So perhaps not eh?

I got into town and called in the cheapo shop to get some Lion bars for myself this time to nibble when I get depressed… I bought 8 bars at 4 for a quid, good value but I noticed they were very low on stocks and bought  the last on show. Tsk!

Caught the bus into Bulwell for yet another interesting journey. For the fact that (I think) there were three people on mobiles at the same time, a woman with three kids talking away in what I think were different languages. Cosmopolitan Nottingham eh?

No problem with that at all – if only each one had not been shouting down the phones! Loud mobilers do get on me tits a bit in any language I mean.

02T04

Dumped shopping trolleys in the river Leen. Only one person here – the other would be shop-lifting or mugging for Christmas I expect?

I think maybe they were competing with each other for some reason to see who could talk the loudest?

Dropped off the bus and walked straight to the shop to get some bread for the mallards.

Then over to the river Leen (In a different spot this time) and immediately the mallards seagulls and pigeons arrived around me.

02T06b

There must be some therapy from feeding the mallards and pigeons that I do not comprehend – but enjoy it?

I noticed that the locals had decorated the river with shopping trolleys near the bridge – so artistic these apprentice-yobbies and vandals here you know!

I wish I’d got more bread now. I used all the bird-seed I had with me as well and later bought another bag in readiness for me next visit.

I called in Iceland to get some Warburton thins and some pulled pork cobs. It’s the first time I’d seen these and as they were on offer at 89p I treated missen.

02T06Turned out I liked them despite there being a hot flavour relish in them. No idea what flavour, but I enjoyed it later in the day wishing I’d got more of em.

Went in Fultons next and they had some large boxes of biscuits also at 89p, so I got a couple so I could give em to the nurses as nibbles later.

02T05Had a wander around the market for a while – observing the aggressive nature of the locals, and the amount of dangerous people in mobility scooters again. Overall the populace appeared brusque and unhappy for some reason?

I caught the bus back to the hoppit as the rain started and at least the biting wind dropped en route.

WC.

Got in and out me things away, INR Warfarin level results had come through the letter-box.

Much better this time 3.4, almost spot in for once!

Made a cuppa and ate me pulled pork cob while  watched DeNiro and Stallone’s DVD called Grudge Match.

I surprisingly enjoyed what I saw of it – repeatedly – as I kept nodding off despite my wanting not to. The rewind button on the new DVD player got well used!

Eventually I gave up and drifted off…

I woke up with a start at 2325hrs. WC’d. Started the laptop then went down and made a cuppa.

Returning and imported the pictures and finished this post around 0130 hrs.

Did some Facebooking and blog reading.

03Whead

Wednesday 10th December 2014

What an odd night!

Last night I collapsed into tiredness and kip really early – about 1830hrs. Woke up at 1225… no 0005hrs and made a cuppa and started work on me blog and posted one, checked emails, did no-end of graphics, Facebooked and read some blogs over the next seven hours… amazing but I expect to collapse early again tonight.

1020hrs: I am now going to struggle get my socks off and ‘ave a scrub down, do me teggies, shave, shampoo and a sh… Then struggle to get me clean socks on. Then put me pile cream on, then rub in me Painphor cream on me knees, then search fer me bus-pass, midday medications, hearing aids, glasses and get ready to go out and take some piccies fer me blog – well wrapped up of course (that’ll be me not the blog well wrapped up).

Do yer know I’m losing interest at the thought of all the bother now… Tsk!

Forced missen out of the house wandering if I’d forgotten summat like…

03W01

CPO’s Investigate – I know not what

Noticed two CPO’s across the road at the Nottingham Natural Health Centre, that would be the one where my neighbour went last year, forget what he went for now, but the treatment cost him £900.

Flipping biting cold wind again.

Caught bus into town, and attempted to walk down Clinton Street to get to Primark – blimey the mass of people. Bit of a struggle getting out of the way in time of more aggressive ones.

03W02

Clinton Street crowds scared me a bit…

As I turned the corner a youth belted passed on a bicycle nearly hitting a lady nearby. I did my usual and shouted “If yer too scared to go on the road yer shouldn’t be on a bike… I added a rather colourful word at the end descriptive of what we all have n out breasts.

Still to be expected this time of year I suppose.

03W04

The queue wot I joined before me injuries…

Got to Primark and boy was it busy, and dangerous too? Yes!

I hobbled around and bought some really thick long sleeve t-shirts, another pair of long johns and joined the queue.

See photo. Good job I had plenty of time.

As I exited the pay area a woman knocked her pram into me left arthritic knee, stopped talking on her mobile to say “Sorry duck” then continued on her phone as she walk away. Bless her I thought.

Then, as I approached the escalator to go down, a bloke rushed in front of me treading on me left foot! Bless him I thought.

I still managed some slow but nifty footwork to avoid (Just) the store detectives as they chased after one of Nottingham’s multitudinous shoplifters out of the store.

Came out £39 pounds worse off, and limping a little more than usual and walked into town wandering if there was an Iceland shop in the City Centre where I could get those egg and sausage muffins on offer at 89p… I bravely approached a CPO and cheekily ask if she knew of one. The look that said “What the #uck are you asking me for” came over her face as she said “No”.

03W03

Bulwell Market looking a bit sad I thought

So I decided to go to Bulwell again to the Iceland there – of course I could also feed me mallard ducks and pigeons at the same time.

The market in Bulwell looked rather sad today. (See picture)

I hobbled to Farm Foods and got two loaves for a quid to feed the sucks with, I’d already got the birdseed with me from home.

Then into Iceland and got the muffins and very nice they are too!

03W05

Another dumped shopping trolley today

Out and down to the rivers… to be greeted by the horrible sight of another shopping basket dumped in the water!

Suddenly I remembered I wanted some of the smoked cooked ham from Fulton’s Foods.

So I walked back up the main street to the shop and searched but they didn’t have any smoked ham in, so I struggled (The bags were weighing me down by now with all the stuff wot I’d bought like) around looking for any bargains but found none.

As I started out to feed the mallards, a woman on the disabled scooter came out of shop and was on her mobile phone – only the alertness and agility of those nearby prevented her from hitting them.

I wonder if it should be an offence to use a mobile phone when driving a mobility scooter? They can’t dock driving licence points because the idiots who drive them without concern for others do not need a driving licence, or tax, or even insurance by law.

Just a thought – perhaps I can interest Lynton Cox in starting a campaign? He’s good at that sort of thing… maybe not.

03W06

Me friends, the Mallards and Pigeons welcomed me with open beaks

So I waddled back down to the river… I think they are beginning to recognise me now cause I was greeted with much honking and quacking by the mallards, and the pigeons amassed in my vicinity – one of them must have liked me cause it anointed me hat with his pooh!

Bless him I thought.

New hat needed now… Tsk!

Pound shop after Christmas methinks.

Caught the bus back to Carrington and dropped off on Hucknall Road.

As I turned the corner the local pigeons spotted me and came down to be fed – but only the few seeds left after feeding the Bulwell ones – I bet they thought “Tight sod!”

Got in and put me togs and food away.

Made a cuppa and had couple of biscuits and set about finishing this diary off.

Faccebooked a while – finding a message from Mike Steeden that some shop is selling thick vests at £3.99 until Friday! Just my luck I’ve just bought 3 for £6 each from Primark today!

Tsk, Huh and blabboozlekins!

Did a bit of blog reading, checked emails and began to fade…

I’ll try to do some graphics but me eye-lids are gerrin’ heavy now.

Hope I can stay awake long enough to eat me Sausage and egg muffin later.

Poor old devil hehehe.

06Sheader

Thursday 11th December

Decent sleep for once last night, I can’t even recall any of the dream/s  I had last night, but just know I’d had them.

Woke reluctantly at 0322hrs.

WC.

Started laptop.

Made a cuppa.  Started to update this Diary.

Then took me morning medications a little early, but I think I might have missed yesterday mornings so took today’s while I thought about it.

Did some facebooking and checked emails and blog.

My knees were really bad when I got up or down and I decided today would be a day in and no going out. (Changed mind later… huh decisions decisions… not my forte making them)

I worked on a satirical post for the Inchcock blog for hours and hours – not really happy with it but I might post it later after more titivating of it.

Posted it around 0930hrs – I just don’t know how it came from mu puddled brain. Someone said it was very deep on Facebook. Oh dear… hope it goes down well.

I ended up titling it ‘Inchcock’s Message for the future – from one of his dreams!’

Well must go for a bit now, and get missen cleaned and polished ready for me walk into Nottingham’s different area to get some fresh photo’s for this Diary.

1035hrs: Back in a bit – I hope.

1123hrs: I’m back!

04th011135hrs: I set off on me walk well wrapped up (me, not the walk like) against the cold bitter wind. Remembering that rain had been forecast on Radio Nottingham when I was cutting missen shaving earlier, I increased me speed to about 1 ¼mph. (Hehehe, don’t know what I’m laughing at?)

04th02

Asda Customer Service Desk – huh!          Customer Service my….

I took a route through what is called Forest Fields that used to be a posh area to live in when I were a lad. I decided to take photo’s of the shops there now en route to and back from Asda.

It looked a little like rain as I passed Park and Ride Tram site.

But it kept off thank you kindly.

I got in Asda and approached the lady on the Asda Help Desk… Help Desk did I say?

04th06

An interesting selection of Polish, Lithuanian and Romanian food here

I told her that I have home delivery sometimes.

I explained to her that I had lost me card and had got a new one and tried to change my log on details for the new card – but when it proceeded the last four numbers of the old card kept coming up with no option to change it so the old incorrect four digits kept preventing me from logging on.

04th05

Polish and English food advertised

Could she advise me on what to do to get on please?

I should have know I was not going to get any help then as the puzzled look and frown on her face said it all.

04th03

Halal Food store – wide selection of fresh fruit and vegetables on sale here

“I’ll just phone my supervisor ‘cause I don’t know owt about computers…” She rang her supervisor who apparently told her to tell me to change the four digits on the website when asked to because that is what she told me.

Now I was not in the mood for telling her everything again and it was obvious she was not going to get the message that the site was not allowing me to change the numbers, so I thanked her for her help and started my shopping. (Slightly miffed I might add)

04th08

Specialist Immigration advice, Visa applications, work permits, Leave to enter/remain and Aslam advertised here

I had a wander around and again bought stuff I didn’t really need: Warburton Thins, a two serving ready meal of Cottage Pie (Hope to tackle that later tonight), a cream cake (French horn) some Raspberry ripple mousse, potatoes, apples, some egg flans, and two multipacks of Asda Cheese Curls.

04th09

The Old Roxy cinema building that’s now the Jameah Fatimiah Mosque

 As soon as i had to climb the steps out of onto the road I regretted getting so much… for two reasons: First I had to lug the stuff all the way home, second I felt I should not have given them my custom the way they had treated me over my query about me card. Tsk!

I’ve put all the photographs on the right wot I took going and coming back from the shop, I won’t name Asda in protest at their shoddy treatment/service they gave me… Cobblebother! I just did do didn’t I!

04th09a

The Karimia Institute Masjid and Education Centre, used to be a dentists

 Anyway as you can guess from the shops Forest Fields area is very much a multicultural one and unfortunately has a high crime figure.

But they have some very interesting shops on almost every corner of the old terraced blocks.

04th07

Medina Bazaar – some lovely looking ladies clothes on display, and a Sale on too!

Of course there are many closed down and some converted to housing, as in any large town I imagine.

The one that stood out to me was an Asian Ladies clothes shop that had some, what I thought amazing   dresses on show in the window.

Not that I know anything about ladies dresses just that I like some and not others. These had intricate bit of extra designs on them, really pretty.

04th09b

The Screaming Carrot Vegetarian Bakery

The Mosque there was in a converted old Cinema that I used to visit sometimes as a young whipper-snapper many years ago. (Well a few years ago he lied)

When I had (limping by now-knees and feet) got into the Sherwood Rise area en route back to Carrington, the rain came – and stopped seconds later? Never known that before?

04th04

No idea what this place is – can anyone help?

Still, not complaining!

I cut through to Hucknall Road and went over the Pelican lights to where Lidl’s car park was, and s few pigeons came down at me feet and looked up at me – cooing (That’s the pigeons cooing not me like).

I’d got some seed with me so gave it to them. I wondered if they are getting wiser these birds? Do they recognise me or me bag and walking stick… no I didn’t take me walking stick because I knew I’d be struggling to carry bags back anyway?

I had to feed em quick while no one was looking because it is banned feeding the birds around here nowadays without risking a £60 on the sot fine. Tsk! I am a fool doing it really)

I got into the flea-pit. Well tired out after me walk to Asda – buying too much again and the slog home with two heavy bags (Well, heavy fer me like)

WC.

04th09c

The clever pigeons?

Managed to get me frozen stuff into the fridge – hope me gigantic Shepherds fits into the microwave and the microwave works – sometime it do, sometimes it don’t?

Put me cake in the fridge for later and WC’d again… Mmmm! Risked making a good strong cuppa anyway.

Started latop internet came on but it was oh so slow again. Damnations to BT!

Udated this diary again and downloaded… or should that be uploaded the photographs and resized them.

The laptop mouse is playing up a bit… what next I ask… What next?

Took medications with another cuppa and Facebooked and then blog read for a while… oh, just went to move and me knees didn’t want me to! Ooh!

After a struggle with came to an agreement, I pretended to get up and the knees didn’t!

05Fhead

Friday 12th December 2014

I stirred into imitation life at around 0400hrs and laid there thinking about all sorts of things in a disguised effort not to get up I think.

Raining this morning, but quiet decently warm, just hope the wind lessens a touch in case I have to go out later.

After a while I had to use the WC and that spurred into activity of a sort.

I started the laptop then went down and made a good tasty cuppa.

While doing so, I noticed the sleeve from last night’s Meal-for-two cottage pie that I had devoured with great greed and pleasure.

Foolishly I read the details on that sleeve written in traffic lights warning colours:

05F02meal

Fat 20.4g Saturates 48g Sugars 2.0g Salt 1.7g

Not the healthiest of choices was it? But I did enjoy it, but not the guilt now. Took the photo of the sleeve as a warning to any blogger who wants to eat healthily to recognise and avoid.

Still feeling a tad annoyed about the lack of listening and help from Asda yesterday.

Internet and Coreldraw9 going alright this morning – up to now.

Updated this diary to here… hello the stomach’s rumbling… not surprised really because last night when I demolished the Cottage Pie meal for two, I then ate a packet of Marmite bread sticks then the gigantic fresh cream horn. Naughty…Tsk!

I’m scared of belching or passing wind now. Hehe.

Whoops… WC’d

Made up a lot of graphics and facebooked… then the BT Internet connections was lost.

So much for the lying turds at BT getting me to upgrade to Fibre Infinity with their hogwash about “Up to three times faster, more reliable and at the same cost”… Huh!

Two weeks later the cost went up, it ain’t no faster and has let me down more than the old one landline one ever did!

When it comes back on, I feel the need to do a graphic about them…

Some time later, after many rests, closures an opening, and resting of the laptop it came back on.

HogwashHumpf!

I set about me daily preparing for me little walk:

I stripped off (Sorry about that… it must be an horrendous thought to you all, it is to me!) and stood in a bowl of hot washing up liquided and antiseptic disinfectanted water to wash me tooties while I had a shave at the same time. Then did me teggies and oiled me ear-holes.

Dried me feet and set about putting me clean socks on – not an easy task with me arthritis, accompanied by me usual verbal’s “Oooh, argh… acht… shit… Ohohohooo, Christus! Ohh!… ha,ha,ha,  ohahooahoo, acht, hoohoo, ernyagamunnn owww, oh ah gorrit!

Then similar when I put the other sock on.

05F001bI cut me toe nails, but do not want to repeat what I voiced while endeavouring to do this as it did involve some rather crude and offensive words being uttered I’m afraid.

Then I rubbed in the newly prescribed Capsalcin cream I’m trying in place of the Phorpain Iboprufain cream, although the GP told me I can go back onto using the Phorpain 05F001Gel if this is has no better pain relief.

I’ll see how it goes for a few day methinks.

Face-towelled all over with warm water and Dettol.

05F001aThen I rubbed the Cetraben emollient cream well in all over decaying flabby body apart from the head and face.

Then took me midday medications, Trental pentoxifyllines, Paracetamol, Nicorandil tablets and Codeine Phosphates a little earlier so I would not have to worry about taking them while out and about.

05F05skyYou what I have to endure just to go out? Hehehe, you get used to it yer know. (Fib mode adopted)

Adorned myself and wrapped up well, nice thick thermal long sleeve t-shirt, hat etc and set off on me walk to take some bits to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop in Sherwood. (Not far to go)

As I turned the corner at the end of the road, the sky looked beautiful. I took a picture of it.

It was not as cold as I thought it would be either, although the wind still blew up me trouser legs.

05F04carI chose a scenic route to walk on me trip, and noticed two very old carsmin a very bad state of repair. An old Robin Reliant three wheeler, that ooked like it hadn’t been moved for yonks and yonks. And I think what was a Triumph sports car that looked like it hadn’t been moved for even longer than the Reliant! I took a photograph of ‘em to post here. 

05F06shopI plodded on and into Sherwood and called at the second hand computer shop again and asked how much and what spec could he do me a laptop running on Vista for, sufficiently powerful enough to cope with Coreldraw9.

He’s going to call me later. (He didn’t say what name he was going to call me though. Hehehe)

I pressed on and up to the Nottingham Hospice shop and gave em me donations.

05F07aNHCSI had a look see if they had any good books in while I was there. I observed a bloke examining the ornaments in a close scrutinising manner while I was perusing the books and my EQ told me he was an antique shop owner looking for a bargain. My EQ is very rarely wrong about these things yer know.

I took a photo of him. I haven’t the slightest idea why I did… but I did? Weird is it not? Or is it just me that’s weird? Who knows?

Said me farewells to the staff and limped out (Knees getting a tad painful now) to walk down the hill back toward Carrington.

05F08skyBy the time I’d hobbled half a mile the sky started to look decidedly threatening, and yet even more beautiful to me.

Then the rain started spitting.

I called in the Polish delicatessen shop and got two slices of their tasty belly pork, and a small sliced continental loaf of bread and a jar of pickled beetroot.

Even had a nice natter with the chap who owns it.

05F09leakI came out and continued on me hobble home.

As I passed on of the pubs, there was a leak coming up through the pavement slabs at the corner of the building and slowly filling up the recess on the pavement – I assumed it was water because I couldn’t smell any hops! Hehe.

05F07skyBy the time I’d gone a few hundred yards further on up the hill, the sky began to brighten a tad and the sun blazed through the dark dank clouds.

Accident weather this yer know, some driver will get blinded with the sun and run up someone’s backside.

When  say that… I mean run his vehicle into the back of another! Not… well never mind…

Me feet were aching too by now, so I pressed on again back to the hovel.

A letter had been delivered informing me my house insurance was due for payment again – has it really been a year since last time I paid? I’ll have to nip into town tomorrow and pay it then…  risk injury amid the Big Issue sellers, mobility scooter crazies, Christmas shoppers and shoplifters I suppose. Hey-ho!

Of course, when I tried to get to update this Diary of Woe BT internet was not letting me in – well fancy that!

After a few tries it decided to allow me access – Tsk! Tsk! and double Tsk!

Got me nosh ready and took me evening medications.

It’s a good life innit?

02T01

Sunday 14th December 2014

Stirred into semi-life at 0250hrs – well aware of some of the horrendous dreams I’d been having and made some notes of what I could remember.

Started the laptop and went down into the very cold kitchen and made a cuppa.

Returned and Word would not load until the third attempt oh dear!

Started to get the details down of me dreams as the memories were fading fast.

Within minutes the notes meant nothing with the memory gone. Drat!

07St01a

Did a graphic from the words I’d noted, but by now they meant little to me.

Shame cause I think the dreams were interesting… scary, but interesting. Ah well

I wish some psychoanalyticalisationalistic person would look into these regular dreams.

WC

Made another cuppa and took me tablets at 0510hrs.

Did some graphics then face-booking.

Made another cuppa.

WC.

Eventually forced missen to get up and get ready for me photographicalisationing walk.

When I eventually found me hearing aids, I was ready for the off.

Go on, have a guess where I found em, go on…

  1. 07St02

    Dark dank and foreboding sky again!

    A) On top of the kettle

  2. B) In me slippers
  3. C) In me spectacle case

I hobbled out to the bottom of the street turned right and was welcomed by the view of most unwelcoming sky.

It was dark, dank and foreboding yet again today. And this at about 1130hrs!

07St03a

Mallards and pigeons – Love em! With a few unkown to me thrown in the feeding frenzy

I poddled on and walked into Arnold.

A long walk, but at least there was only the two Sherwood Hills to climb, the rest of the way was reasonably flat… a bit like my spirits.

07St03b

Incoming Turbo Mallard – great!

I called into the Arnot Hill Park situated on the old Nottingham Road in one end and out of the other end – but once the Mallard ducks came to me, I got out the bird seed I just happen to have in me bag…

I moved along and at another point fed some more mallards – during which a mallard on the island centre of the pond turbo-paddled towards me at a rate of knots that Donald Campbell would have been proud of!

07St04

On this stretch of Front Street there were eleven premises either for sale or rent. Well done Cameron!

His accompanying quacks and phenomenal speed made me think of an incoming torpedo and I think will stay in my mind for a long time. I wish the photo was good enough to enter into some competition, of course it doesn’t show the little mites speed as it actually was.

I don’t know how he stopped himself being banked.

I exited the park and waddled on into Arnold.

A sad and lonely place it looked too.

I popped into Iceland where the kind lady on the till didn’t bother to talk to me at all, but her grunts were melodic.

On to the Fulton Food shop, where I failed to get any of the Blackcurrant and ice-cream lollies I was seeking, but did get some biscuits and a small bottle of vinegar. Oh, and this young ladies gave far less grunts than from the Iceland lady in Arnold, but there were far more effective ‘You old git’ glares from this one.

I decided to go and try the Fulton’s store in Bulwell and I joined the few people waiting of it, being a Sunday of course the wait was long – but pleasant as I had a conversation with a lady and it transpired we both came from the Meadows area of Nottingham originally. We spoke of some of the things we enjoyed, the Imperial Cinema, the Grove Cinema. And she could remember the toffee factory fire as well. Not only that she could remember the name of it ‘Waughtmoughs’ so that should give me a better chance to find something on the internet about it later.

She told me of many things and people I could relate to, and was in much better spirits when I got off the bus than when I got on to it.

I went straight to the Fulton store via the Bulwell Marker Place, another cold dark dank depressing place with the few folk around seemingly well depressed themselves.

But they did have some Blackcurrant and ice-cream lollies I was seeking, so I bought two packs to keep me going.

I popped into the Heron Freezer shop but they didn’t have owt appealing in for me.

Then up the road to the Pound Shop and got some seed and bird food with mealworm.

Then I hobbled over the crossing to the river Leen and guess what?

07St06Two more shopping trolleys had been thrown in – unless someone had take the two out and some other cretin had thrown them back in perhaps?

Any-road-up, these pellets that I got from the Pound shop really set off the Mallards, they had punch-ups between themselves trying at at em, even the pigeons got a little agonous.

The fodder didn’t last long either.

So I retreated across the road to the bus station and the next bus back to Carrington was in 21 minutes – so I sat myself down and looked for me book to read, but had failed to bring it with me.

The queue at the bus stop increased and I foolishly tried to start up a conversation with a bloke behind me in the queue.

“Looks like wer’e gonna get some rain?”

“Huh?”

“Looks like wer’e gonna get some rain?”

“Yea!”

That  was end of the conversation.

07St07

The perusing pigeons through the bus-shelter

As I sat sitting there, I could feel something picking at me ankles and looked down to find pigeons had followed me and were pecking at me???

I put it down to giving them the worm-meal pellets.

They persisted and I sneaked em  a handful of seeds.

They lingered at the bus shelter until the incoming bus moved the off.

I don’t think I dare risk getting them any of those pellets again – it reminded me of Alfred Hitchcocks ‘The Birds”!

Got onto the bus, and felt I was gonna fall asleep at any time, the weariness came on so quickly this time.

Got back in the flea-pit.

WC’d.

Then put me nosh away, and started laptop to update this codswallop.

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LOMM Writers Jump Ship To Join Satirical Mag

pictures_u51_a06117

An out-of-date cover of Soz Satire pictured smirking last night

 

In a move that will send seismic shockwaves through the blogging world, it is being reported that the entire team of contributors to the popular, humour-based blog, The League Of Mentalmen, have quit to join the successful satirical magazine, Soz Satire, because they “like the music on the stories” and because “it’s got much funnier jokes in it”

LOMM editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 12, told reporters “I knew something wasn’t quite right on Monday morning when Inchy hadn’t submitted his customary 27 pieces for editing. Gaz didn’t make a post at all on Tuesday, which I dismissed at the time as a result of him being in jail again, but the real clincher was when Mike completely blew me out on Wednesday and posted a 10,000 plus word poem in his own blog instead. It even had a nude woman in the pic at the top! Thank God Lenny didn’t let me down on Thursday is all I can say. At least there’s one loyal friend I can count on”

Dee then held up a letter he’d received that morning from his former friends and read it aloud:

“Dear Bastard

We’ve quit LOMM to join Soz Satire mag because we like the music on all the stories and the brilliant front covers by The Artful Dodger. The jokes are much funnier too, and in any case no fucker ever reads the copy in WordPress, they just go down their ‘readers’ liking and commenting on shit without having the faintest idea what the content is. We wish you every success for the future you deluded twat.

PS. Lenny’s quit too. He posted that Kimmy skit by mistake when he was drunk and off his swede on crystal meth. So blow your lousy  blog out of your goddamn ass sucker!

Love

The Lads”

To see where the disloyal turncoats have gone, and to marvel at The Artful Dodger’s brilliant front page graphic while tapping your feet to a medley of catchy tunes, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

PARENTAL ADVICE: This mag may contain traces of wry humour and underhand digs at the ‘WordPress Family’

 

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PING PONG

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

I was feeling bored today, so I summoned my lead scientist to play a game of ping pong. I lost. The last time I lost anything was when my dead dad was still alive. At first I was very mad. I threw the ping pong ball against the wall, but then it bounced back into my face.

My lead scientist isn’t good at ping pong. I just failed to make a decent serve. I believed the people of North Korea thought I was quite the ping pong player, but maybe I was wrong.

My lead scientist who beat me at ping pong said: “My dearest Supreme Leader, science teaches us this is a sign from god. You are the best ping pong player in the world and yet I’m forced to live in the shame of stepping out of your shadow by beating you 15 to 0. God tries to show you what it’s like to be normal, what it’s like to be mortal.”

I guess that made sense so I calmed down a bit. My lead scientist then went on his knees and started praising me. I thought he was a good sport for beating me, so I suggested we play another game.

I lost again, so I went mad.

But my lead scientist said: “God is once again shining on your greatness, your leaderness.”
But I said: “God doesn’t need two games of ping pong to get through to me.”
Then my scientist said: “Please, your supremeness, I honestly didn’t want to win. I tried not to win…but you just missed every serve! I tried letting you win, but I didn’t stand a chance!”
“So you were trying to let me win?” I said. “You think I’m that bad at ping pong?”
“Yes, my Supreme Leader. You are this great country’s biggest blessing and I thank god every day you are our leader, but I don’t think you have a talent for ping pong,” he said.

I wanted to become mad, but I was already so mad I calmed down a bit. It was weird cause I actually liked my scientist was honest to me.

“Ah well, I’m already the Supreme Basketball Player,” I said. “I can’t be supreme at everything.”
My scientist was very relieved and said: “You are indeed the best basketball player in the world, greatest leader.”
That made me feel good. It felt like I had made a friend.

But later today I figured my lead scientist might tell the other scientists he beat me at ping pong. And then every scientist would think I’m bad at ping pong. So I had to think of a solution.

So now I made playing ping pong against the law. I also made people believe it has always been against the law. So now when my scientist tells people he beat me at ping pong people won’t believe him.

I’m so smart.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I heard my lead scientist told everyone I’m the supreme ping pong player. I thought that was very nice of him. Guess he didn’t know ping pong is now forbidden. So now he got arrested for breaking the law. That’s sad cause he was my friend. I’ll miss him.

 

It is generally believed no ping pong balls were hurt during the making of this diary entry, which comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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Blogger Found Dead After Comment Was ‘Frozen’

skeleton

Terrible business this my friends :(

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!better-read-than-dead/c1jlm

WARNING! This skit may contain traces of decomposing corpses and silly fuckers

Clivey

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A dark, dank, overcast night… out in the wilds with Security Guard Inchy! (Updated)

A dark, dank, overcast night… out in the wilds!

It was a dark, dank, overcast night, with a roving light mist coming and going, interspersed with a get-you-soaking-wet light drizzling rain.

I was assigned to a site that was about 14 miles out of Nottingham, in the unforgiving countryside, with nothing but the bats, fox’s and the occasional escaped pig from the nearby farms to talk to.

A large site, a factory, storage sheds, garage, an annexe, offices, farm vehicle storage field, HGV parking lot, and a lot of unsecured fencing.

Woes

 

I was achieving my usual full job satisfaction, as I patrolled the main building, the annexe, the 43 parked up lorries, the millions of pounds worth of new farm machinery, the main annexe ¼ of a mile down the country lane, completed my 18 swipe points, as I then tripped over the crumbling pathway that was immersed in rainwater, then nearly slipped over on the muddy course grass rain-filled ditch, the wild grass was so long it hid the craters and holes scattered all over the site.

I checked the vehicle wash, and then the fuel station, (swiping my last point) and turned to start my return marathon to the main building and my dust covered, waterless, windowless, holes in the floor-board ridden guard base.

About half way back up the hill, ducking to avoid an owl or a bat or whatever it was that dived bombed at me, I noticed a torch light coming from the middle of the sewerage field at the back of the transport offices – now, I had a quandary!

Although already in a state, should I actually go over the ditch and into the field to find out what was going on?

I decided I could not dismiss this possible sign of attempted intrusion, being the professional I am. (Ahem)

I positioned myself behind the porta-cabins, and decided the ditch was easy enough to jump over into the field, and it was too – the only problem was I had not seen the barbed wire on the other side – until I landed in it!

After extricating myself and most of my trousers from the barbed wire, I jumped back over the ditch – and to this day – the memory of that shoe dropping into the sewerage ditch as I leapt, then sinking out of sight, never to be seen again, made me glad it was only the shoe and not me!

I hobbled back to the guard base, cleaned up the wounds with the last of my bottled water, and used up the last few plasters from my cars first aid kit – as the fire alarm activated!

So, one shoe on and one shoe off, I investigated, only to find the ‘Bale area’ sprinklers had activated, and found myself paddling through about 8 inches of very cold water, but no fire was found.

The alarm panel reset OK, and I unblocked the drains to allow the water to slowly draw away, taking my last few plasters that had been soaked off of my bleeding legs along with it!

So back to depressing guard base to complete the by now, several incidents reports that needed doing.

While doing this, I put my bleeding feet and legs up on a tatty broken chair, in an effort to slow down the bleeding, when I heard the sound of the horn sounding from an approaching vehicle at the main gate.

I hobbled out through the factory, into the yard, limping down to the gate to give admission to the Night Manager, Mr Collins, who was very annoyed to find out I had no water to make him a cup of coffee!

But this didn’t prevent him from carrying out his duty of care obligations in question to my injuries, as soon as he’d stopped laughing he passed wind, then he offered his worldly advice as such: “‘Ave that looked at leg when yer gerra day off, un don’t forget to do an incident report (I’d just handed him all three, 5 minutes earlier).

Concerned for how I would drive home safely with no right boot on, we searched around and found one old right footed, rock hard, smelly old trainer shoe in the rubbish bin in the showers, and I drove home with a wet muddy left hand boot on, and a rock hard right footed trainer.

The lost boot was never seen again!

Just another normal day for Security Guard Inchcock really!

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Inchcock Arrested at Benefits Office (Updated)

A retired Nottingham pensioner and former unemployed independent Bra Fitter and adjuster Juan Inchcock attended an interview in his response to an application for an increase in his benefits at the Nottingham Social Services yesterday.

He arrived in plenty of time and had to wait for his interrogator Office Assistant Manager Mr Danny Soz to return from the local bar before the security guard led him into the office for the interview. He’d still got his pyjamas on, but no one seemed to notice this for a while, then they supplied him with some clothes from the local Salvation Army stores.

The meeting soon turned into a farce of mammoth dimensions with the first question and answer:

Mr Soz: “Sit down mate… ‘hic’ un tell me yer lies now!

Inchcock: “Lies! How do you know!”

WD04danny

Mr Soz, the rather unconventional Nottingham Benefits Assistant Manager

Mr Soz: “I’ve bin on yer blog site mate – and you communicate wi that Mike Steeden don’t yer? Bound to be wrong un you are if yer gob-it wi that alcoholic dim-witted maniac!”

He bent down and spewed up in the waste-paper bin, farted and slowly focussed his eyes and continued blinkingly:

Mr Soz: “How much Pension are ye gerrin?”

Inchcock: “Well you must know surley, it’s on the computer innit?”

Mr Soz: “Yer, burram doing a post fer me Soz Satire at the moment… Belch! don’t wanna lose it like do I!”

Inchcock: “Oh, I’m sorry. I get state pension that’s all Mr Soz.

Mr Soz: Lying git! Passes wind.

Inchcock: “No I’m not!”

Mr Soz: “Ain’t yer?

Inchcock: “No!”

Mr Soz: “Oh an’ yer can’t manage then?”

Inchcock: “Gerrin’ food is gerrin’ ‘arder like wiv the prices going up like!”

Mr Soz: “Poor git… just eat less then… any other problems like?”

Inchcock: “I can’t gerabout very well,as yer see wiv me walking stick and arthritic knees un ‘ands yer see?

Mr Soz: “Well I cun see yer walking stick, drop yer pants and show me yer arithmetic knees!”

Inchcock: “What?”

Mr Soz: “Go on, left have a look at em mate…” Belch.

Inchcock: “Oh… alright then urgh, argh… there they are, swollen misshaped multicoloured and bloody painful”

Mr Soz: “Hahaha… ‘ow cum yer walk on them then – yer gorhere alright on ‘em didn’t yer?”

Inchcock: “Yer, wiv a struggle and a lot o’ pain like”

Mr Soz: “Why didn’t yer gerra a taxi here then?” Passes wind followed by “That’s berra awt thun in!”

Inchcock: “I can’t afford a taxi I don’t gerrenough benefits!”

Mr Soz: “Yer should ask em for more then you pillock!”

Inchcock: “That’s worrave come here to do innit?”

Mr Soz: “Wot?”

Inchcock: “Ask fer more benefits like”

Mr Soz: “Is it? I’ve got yer down as cummin’ in for a job interview like?”

Inchcock: “Wot?”

Mr Soz: “Only jokin’ cocker, I like to keep it light ‘earted like… hang on a sec…” He rolled up a Golden Virginia fag lit it and spat out some phlegm then got a bottle of Absinthe 179 Proof from his drawer and took a guzzle, then continued:

Mr Soz: “So, how many kids ‘ave yer got then?”

Inchcock: “None as far as I know.”

Mr Soz: “Ah… as far as yer know eh… I bet you’ve gorra few and don’t want to pay the Child Support Agency eh?”

Inchcock: “No actually I had cancer and they took away me chances of givin’ birth with the laser gun like”

Mr Soz: “So your armed! Should I call in the security guard then?”

Inchcock: “Why would yer do that?”

Mr Soz: “If yer are armed he likes a good tussle yer see and don’t get many usually nice lad he is, do yer know him?”

Inchcock: “No.”

Mr Soz: “You should get to know him, he’s a scream down the pub, has us all in stitches… and the few who don’t laugh at his jokes need stitches as well..hehe haha…” Belches

JS04gaz

Gaz Hoadley the kind Security Guard at the Benefit’s Office

Inchcock: “Look Mr Soz, what the hell are you talking abarght like?”

Mr Soz: “Gaz Hoadley the security guard, grand chap he is!”

Inchcock: “Why?”

Mr Soz: “He’s witty, likes to help others, he’s got a massive elephant of a…”

Inchcock interrupts Mr Soz: “When I asked why… I meant why are you talking about the security guard in the first place, not why he’s a great chap!”

Mr Soz: “You’ve lost me now – what’s your name agen?”

Inchcock: “Look ‘ere mush… if yer ain’t gonna gimmee any extra help just say so for Gawd’ ns sake!”

Mr Soz: “I’ll see what can be done then, hang on Inchy… oh I did remember your name.”

MarrisaCopWith this he left the office and returned with another security officer, Marissa Bergen an hour later to keep an eye on Inchcock and with a smile he put out his hand to shake hands with Inchcock and said:

Mr Soz: “Good mornin’ and what can I do for you then?”

Inchcock: “Giz a monkey!”

Mr Soz: “We don’t give animals away yer know!”

Inchcock: “Where the ‘eck ‘ave yer bin to?

Mr Soz: “Well last year me un Gilly the missus like, went to France for a week, then we ‘ad a fortnight in Hammersmith…”

Inchcock: “No no… I’ve ‘ad enuff, I’m off… sorry to have bothered yer!”

Mr Soz: “No trouble mate I’m here to help…”

NP04At this point Inchcock launched himself at Mr Soz, but Marissa managed to deflect him with a nifty left hook that crumpled Inchcock in a heap on the floor.

Mr Soz pressed the panic alarm and in ran Gaz the security guard who threw the prostate body of Inchcock about the room a few times then lifted him up and bit into his neck while laughing maniacally.

The police followed and they tackled Inchcock, tasered him and dragged him out to the waiting black maria.

At least Gaz and Marissa the security guards had a good day.

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Filed under Humor, Satire, The League Of Mental Men