WordPress Slams Satirical Magazine For Publishing Satirical Article

punch2

“That’s not the way to do it!” A WordPress “satirist” delivers his damning verdict

 

The popular blogging site, WordPress, have hit out at the online satirical magazine, Soz Satire, for publishing an article last night which they deemed to be “far too satirical and a bit short for our taste”

A spokesman for WordPress said last night “In our opinion the article was far too satirical and a bit short for our taste. This is not the sort of thing we wish to be associated with and we distance ourselves from it completely. The piece was barely 100 words long and contained little or no swearing. There was also a complete failure by the writer to document intimate, teeth-jarring details of his absolute, fucking car crash of a sex life. We most certainly will not be asking the magazine staff to accept an intrusive, and utterly tedious award, requiring intimate details of the lives of the writers any-time soon, let alone nominating them for our Freshly Pressed section that no fucker ever reads, ever”

The author of the piece, which satirised a convicted rapist being given his job back by a football club, Clivey Dee, 23, was contrite when  he spoke last night “Look here, I’m extremely sorry about all this. I shall write a mind-numbingly boring, one thousand word load of old toot with lots of lovely swearing and characters with funny names in it later today to make up for it”

Too see for yourselves what all the furore was about, and to be reduced to biting down hard on your knuckles when you realise there’s no facility to leave an irritating, time-consuming, fuck-witted comment, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

It’s called “An orthodox right winger” and is in the “Satire” section believe it or not.

Disclaimer: No sub-editors were killed during the writing of the above piss-take, but you can’t have everything I suppose

Clivey

6 Comments

Filed under Satire

DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

If Russell Crowe ever sings in a North Korean movie I will have him shot. I just saw ‘Les Misérables’. Jesus Fucking Christ, that guy is the worst singer ever! Why doesn’t Barack do anything about that?

I was glad when Russell Crowe’s character finally jumped off a bridge and died.

I did like the story. It’s about a man who steals a loaf of bread and then goes to jail for a long time. For a moment I was afraid those things might happen in North Korea, but then one of my advisors told me there isn’t any bread to steal.
“Ah, so the problem solves itself then,” I said and my advisor agreed.

I think I am kinda like Jean Valjean, the guy who stole that bread. Like Jean Valjean I am awesome and very strong and everybody loves me. I help everybody out. But I also have an enemy, Barack, who is like Javert: he keeps bitching on me the entire time but he never catches me because I am awesome and smarter.

I also stole a loaf of bread once. I was still a little boy and my dead dad was having a dinner party. I sneaked in and grabbed all the food I could see, including a loaf of bread. But then my dad said it was okay. That happens to Jean Valjean too early in the movie, only then he’s given silver.

I don’t think I would ever steal something I can’t eat.

Jean Valjean raised the child of a prostitute. I am also raising the child of a woman who happens to be my wife.

Jean Valjean was a hero of the revolution. I am the Supreme Hero of the revolution that happened in North Korea before I was born.

I thought about showing ‘Les Misérables’ to all the people in North Korea so they could learn from it, but I didn’t do it. I’m not gonna make my people listen to Russell Crowe singing. That would just be cruel.

Maybe I can order the production of a North Korean remake of ‘Les Misérables’. I can already hear to people sing about how awesome I am.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I guess Sarah Palin is kinda like Fantine: she is beautiful and will do just about anything for money.

 

This poorly executed attempt at mocking the world’s greatest Supreme Leader comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

5 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

SAMUEL PEPYS BLOG DIARY OF ‘GREAT POSTS’

post

“Music, women and great posts I cannot but give way to, whatever my business is.”

Samuel Pepys

Comments: 

Oscar Wilde: “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the ‘great post’ and this Mr Pepys is one ‘Great Post’!” 

Monica Lewinsky: “Great Post.”

Bill Clinton: “Don’t I know it – ‘great post’”

Isambard Kingdom Brunel: “Great Post – and I know my posts!” 

Mark Twain: “The very ink of posts is written with fluid prejudice – ‘Great Post’ Sam.” 

Mae West: “Too much of a ‘great post’ can be wonderful.” 

Mahatma Gandhi: “The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its ‘great posts’ are treated.” 

Joan of Arc: “Well I really must say this is a ‘great post’ what I have been tied to and set so artistically upon the bonfire.” 

Pope Pius IV: “Post Multa” 

Abraham Lincoln: “All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to your ‘Great Post’ Samuel” 

Vlad the Impaler: “Mare Post – Ascuțit în sus , care ar face un vârf sclipitor.”

JC: “Let the one among you who is without a ‘great post’ be the first to cast a stone. Lovely job Samuel.” 

Sarah Palin: “Great Posts? Nah… they’re for strippers and cross country skiers.” 

Lord Horatio Nelson: “Kiss me ‘great post’ Hardy.”

First Lieutenant Thomas Masterman Hardy: “You’ve got no chance of that Horatio matey boy, no fucking chance at all – ‘Great Post’ by the way Samuel.” 

Winston Churchill: “Never in the field of great posts was so much owed by so many to so few great posts. ‘Great Post’ Pepys you old scallywag!” 

Stephen Hawking: “Great Posts. They are a complete mystery.” 

Genghis Khan: “их дараах”

Auntie Maud: “Oi that’s my ‘great post’ from out the backyard what me washing line was attached to you thieving bastard Pepys!”

10 Comments

Filed under The League Of Mental Men

Nottingham Health and Safety Executive Closed down Stalls at a local Charity Fair: Updated

F01

Nottingham Health & Safety Executive have closed stalls down at a local Charity Fair, that was being held over the weekend, in support of the Lithuanian & Bulgarian Immigrants Benefit Claiming Association Inc.

The Council’s Chief Executive Akhtar Abdul-Hafeez, told our reporter: “They were in breach of Nottingham Health & Safety Chief Executive’s guidelines”.

The small fair, held on the Enoch Powell Park at the end of Mandela Maze, on the Prakesh Housing Estate, had been running for only one day, when officials arrived to assess the stalls, and decided to close down many of them.

Amongst the defaulting stalls that were in breach of the Council’s H&S regulations and closed down, were reported to the H&S Executive as:

F07charlesThe Coconut Shy:

Stall-holder: Name withheld due to MI5 and MI6 instructions.

The balls were made of wood and were considered too dangerous to use, and may have been acquired by the local youths in readiness for the next Nottingham riots.

We offered to allow the stall to remain open if they would use ‘screwed up paper towels’ in place of the wooden balls, but the stall-holder showed no interest in this idea.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F02The Hook-a-duck Stall

Stall-holder: C. Senor – Restaurant Proprietor

We considered the depth of the water the plastic ducks were situated in was too dangerous at 5 inches.

Also after laboratory tests we also found the water to be contaminated with nub-ends, phlegm, Sangria and Tapas powder.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F03msThe Rollercoaster Mouse Ride

Stall Manager: Mike Steedenski – Unemployed Big Issue Seller

Bearing in mind the possible dangers and high risk of accidents involved in this ride, we considered that there was too few translated warnings of the dangers on the list provided in: Pakinstani, Romanian, Polish, Gaelic, French, Bulgarian, Indian, Iranian, Senegalese, Nigerian, Outer Mongolian, Senegalese and Egyptian to ensure the safety of the multicultural local population of Nottingham.

Mr Steedenski seemed unperturbed by the decision as he continued to snog with his Manageress Shirley Blamey.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F05bingoThe Bingo Stall

Stall-holder: Earl Lee Riser – Retired Milkman

It was decided that because the numbers were being called only in English that a possible public disturbance may ensue from the non-English speaking clients.

The stall-holder was unable to comply with our request for him to call out the numbers in the 14 dialects we requested him to.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive

F04marshaThe Local Foods Take-Away Food stall

Stall-holder: Marissa Marsha Mellow Bergen – Schools Dinner Supervisor

We were concerned about the Local Arboretum Pond caught Grilled Stickleback Ribs in Nettle leaves being sold on this stall. Although they tasted alright when our inspector tried one, within seconds he ran off to the toilet, and has not been seen since. Ms Marsha Mellow denied having him imprisoned at her home or rearranging his testicular region appendages.

Warning Issued by the Health & Safety Executive

F06financeAccident Claim Specialists Stall

Stall-holder: Jilly Motherumall - Solicitor for the League of mental Men Association Legal Services

After 15 minutes of observing this stalls activities, it was recorded on camera that the staff (A Mr Danny Soz and Mr Gaztops were seen laying trip wires across the pathways between the stalls. Planting land-mines in the vicinity. And breaking up pavement slabs on the pedestrians entrance.  Luckily only a Big Issue seller and unemployed Gas lamp wick trimmer were injured.

Closed Down by the Health & Safety Executive: later allowed to reopen after further inquiries with Jilly Motherumall by the Nottingham Health and Safety male sub-committee Aqua-lung society. 

The Health & Safety Investigation team claimed the reason for their selectivity of which stalls to close down, had nothing to do with the bribes of money, sex and free candy-floss offered.

3 Comments

Filed under Humour, Satire, The League Of Mental Men

Hostage Drama at Nottingham Junior School – Updated

JShead

JS01

The Chief Constable is posing for press photographs while Sergeant Gaztops sulks because they wouldn’t let him attack with hand grenades and nerve-gas on arrival at the scene.

Hostage Drama at Nottingham’s Sebastian Zulqurnain Junior School

Police responded with dogs, helicopter, and ARV (Armed Response Vehicle) to a call for help, from the Sebastian Zulqurnain Junior School in Nottingham this morning at 0928hrs.

JS02MSarmedOfficers sealed off all roads surrounding the school, apart from the one to the bookies and local pub. (Best not to upset the locals quoted the firearm bearing Traffic Warden Mike Steedenski)

JS03DannyA statement from the Nottingham Chief Constable Danny Soz-Poncemby said: “Twice last week, teachers and pupils reported suspicious characters lurking in the close vicinity of the school they knew they couldn’t be locals because they were not searching through the dustbins. It seems the same two have gained JS04gazaccess to the premises, and when the teacher demanded they left and they refused, a hostage situation then developed.”

The Chief Constable continued: “Sergeant Gaztops wanted to attack the school with hand-grenades and nerve gas, but we managed to calm him down with a Valium a gin and vodka mix and a promise of sex with the schoolmistress of his choice, then to make sure he wasn’t upset we allowed him belt the living daylights out of a local pensioner to keep his eye in like.”

Our reporter Juan Inchcock asked: “Do you think that the intruders might be paedophiles?”

The Chief Constable replied: “Oh yes, I’d not never thought of that like, I’d have thought though you’d be more likely to find a Paediatric in a hospital?”

He turned to one of constables in riot gear next to him and commanded him to get more support and call for another CPO (Community Police Officer) to attend the scene, as soon as he’d finished having his breakfast.

Talks ensued, with one of the children via their Samsung Galaxy S2 mobile phones and the police negotiator.

JS05pcsAt this point the burger van arrived and was allowed through the barricade so the officers who were keeping back the local muggers, shoplifters, gunmen and children absconding from their schools, could partake in food. Much to their delight.

No further details were forthcoming until 1430hrs, when it reported by the Chief Constable in a statement:

“I am glad to inform you that the hostage situation at the Sebastian Zulqurnain Junior School in Nottingham has been settled without any serious injuries this time.”

He stopped to comb his hair, snuff out his roll-up and pose for some photographs to be taken by the press then continued:

“Both of the Police Officers who originally attended the school to give a road-safety speech and were abducted by the pupils were shook up, but released relatively unharmed after I agreed that no charges would be brought against the children. The graffiti on the headmistress’s door would not be cleaned off for 5 months, and the use of Ganja would be permitted in the playground for fifteen minutes a day during school time.”

He added as the Pizza and Burger vans pulled away:

“Another victory for common sense policing!”

2 Comments

Filed under Humour, Satire, The League Of Mental Men

Inchcock unwelcome at Nottingham Forest matches!

NFFChead

My Nottingham Forest heros:

NFFC01

Peter Grummet in goal

Bob Chapman, Terry Hennessey, Pete Hindley, Bob McKinlay, and my personal favourite John Winfield were in Forest’s defence.

Jim Baxter, Henry Newton, Ian-Storey-Moore were in midfield.

Joe Baker, John Barnwell. and Barry Lyons up front.

All mismanaged ably by Johnny Carey

1969, and my mates begged me to stop going to Forest matches!

Mick said I was a ‘jinx on them’.

Bill said I was the ‘kiss of death to them’.

Frank said I was a ‘curse on them’.

Alf said I ‘cast an evil eye on them’.

Trevor said ‘You fu…..’

They then pointed out that I’d only been to 6 matches that season, that resulted in:

Versus Man United Lost 2-1

Versus Derby County Lost 1-3

Versus Leed United Lost 6-1

Versus Burnley Lost 5- 0

Versus Leeds United Lost 4-1

Versus Coventry Lost 4-1

… and could I please stop attending? (Or words to that effect)

I laughed this off as rubbish.

The next season, after I attended my first match versus Arsenal, and they lost 4-1… I did stop going then!

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, The League Of Mental Men

Nottingham Forest v Ipswich Town – Another calamity for Inchcock!

A Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe

 

My mates were away on holiday, so I wrapped myself up in a great coat, scarf, flat cap etc (It was very cold as you would have gathered, if not please pay more attention – thank you).

NFFC01

I took a beef dripping sandwich, apple, and bar of Punch chocolate, and set off to the match on my own.

There was a big crowd, and I made me way to the East stand at the front wall, behind the dug-out.

At half time, I struggled through the crowd to get a Bovril drink, and somehow managed to get back to my spot without spilling too much.

Just as I was biting into the apple, a surge of bodies forced me and everyone else nearby, to be squashed up against the low wall, fearing another surge coming from the yobs behind, I threw away the apple and Bovril cup in an effort to free my hands to use to help stop me being crushed against the wall.

At which point I found myself being man handled and dragged over the wall by two nice policemen, who gave me a dead-leg, crammed my arm up my back, and frog-marched me into the car park, and secured me in the back of an Austin black maria!

I stood in the cage in the back of the black-maria, confused, about what I might have done to warrant being here?

Occasionally, the doors would open, and a protesting yob or two would be forced into joining we already squashed up inmates in the cages.

I could hear that the match had finished, and after about half an hour or so, the doors opened again, and some police officers accompanied by a couple of police dogs pulled out a few of the incarcerated, me included, into the car park, and suggested we go forth and multiply!

Presumably those still in the van were to be prosecuted, we in the car park were cautioned.

I found out much later, why I was removed from the ground. A neighbour had been standing near to where I was on the East stand, and had seen it all happen, and explained it to me: As I was being crushed  involuntarily into the wall by the surge of fans behind me, the apple I threw away to allow me to use my hands to protect myself from the wall, had landed on a policeman’s helmet!

Ah well, at least I understood why the bobby had dead-legged me, and caught my head on the cage door twice as he implanted me in the black-maria now.

Oh.. Forest lost the match too!

8 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, The League Of Mental Men

Weekly Diary from Inchcock: W/E 16 Nov 14

W16M01

Monday 10th November 2014

Up at 0300hrs, WC.

‘Inchy’ sore and leaking a little blood.

Down and got laptop started and made a cuppa.

Chest pains started, angina not good.

Feeling a bit down again. Despite Lynton emailing me that he is coming over to see me with his son next week.

Did the LOMM update posts and some graphics for Troll Free Zone.

W16M02Waiting for the Asda delivery, then I’ll get washed shaved teggies and WC then get changed to go to the Queens Medical Centre for my INT level tests.

When I came down from ablutionising (Is there such a word?) my left thumb was bleeding from all around the nail! No pain, no lesions?

I took some bits with me for the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop to drop off on the way back from the Queens Medical Centre.

I set off and caught the bus (Raining you see) into town. Then got another out to the QMC.

The rain has lessened as I arrived at the hospital.

Only a couple waiting at the haematology dep’t and I was in five minutes later.

There was only two staff on. The new girl and a bloke brought in from another department – three staff off today she said! She also pointed out that I had blood coming from my left ear-hole?

Still she was happy could she could have first pick of the nibbles I took for them, including the fresh cream éclairs that tickled her fancy.

W16M03I was soon out and caught a bus into town.

W16M04Had a walk about a bit, got some DVD’s to add to the stuff got the Hospice shop.

Walked into town and as I rounded the corner, the first thing I saw was somebody being loaded into an ambulance.

That cheered me up no end.

The rain had stopped and the sunshine glistened. So I took a photo in the slab square.

Then walked towards the Sherwood bus pick-up point taking a photo pf an alley as I passed it. In this alley is a Barbers, a public convenience, a ladies hair dressers and a few other retailer. Not doing so well I’d hazard a guess by the lack of people around.

I caught the bus and dropped off almost W16M05opposite the Charity shop and took the bit in for them.

Then I had a walk back to Carrington, the angina still bothersome.

And I foolishly didn’t put any Phorpain gel on my knees cause they seemed okay at the time – When will I ever learn!

Nearly got ran into by a burke on a bike on the pavement as I turned the corner into my street.

Got in. WC’d.

Laptop on and made a cuppa.

It’s colder in this house than outside! Huh!

Felt that warm wet sensation in the region of my little Inch again, went up and checked. Bleeding. A good day for me bleeding today innit – me left thumb, me left ear and now my ‘Inch’ has started again. I checked the ear-hole closer and I think the wax or ear-drops might have hardened and when I put me hearing-aids in it might have caught it and pulled a bit off?

W16MheadTuesday 11th November 2014

I slept better last night, only waking up about five times I think.

07Su01Up and on the laptop drinking a cuppa by 0445hrs.

Not feeling on top form though, took some bags out to the bins to find someone had dumped their rubbish bags nearby.

Bit of an early dizzy spell.

Going to spend the day indoors methinks. Working away on the laptop and feeling guilty.

Gaws ‘eavens – the little ‘Inch’ is bleeding profusely again!

Crappo at times life innit?

Wednesday 12th November 2014

I was feeling nervous when I awoke at 0120hrs, apprehensive.

WC.

Checked out ‘Inchy’, bleeding again, applied some more Corticoid cream.

Had a rinse and cleared up the blood and came down had a sip of spring mineral water and got medications ready for the 0500hrs doses.

Can’t believe I do not fancy a cuppa.

Aware that today I have visitors coming to assist me, and I am very nervous at what they will find here at the hovel.

Updated this diary to here.

W16TW01Lynton and his son John called, they were stuck on the motorway and would be a little later than arranged – nice that.

They arrived and I felt I’d known him for years.

We gossiped while they helped me get the laptop going so much better. We left it doing a clean-up programme and they drove me out for a bite to eat in Sherwood.

They kindly went into the Computer shop with me to analyse and understand what the chap was offering.

W16TW02Then we went into a cafe, where they treated me to a bacon sarnie, and let me knick one of John’s potatoe waffles.

We returned still nattering to the flea-pit.

They helped again by taking away some of the rubbish I have accrued.

They will never know how much they have helped me today – bless em both with all my heart.

A cuppa tea and they were off with fond goodbyes.

Now John has got my Wi-Fi sorted I can use the laptop upstairs again, and it is so much quicker.

Had a micro-waved potato and sausages for me nosh.

Tired, but feeling happier than for a while I went of up to kip…

TTFN all.

Thursday 13th November 2014

W16TWhed

W17Th01

I sprang awake at 0130hrs and could not get back to the land of nod. Tsk!

So I decided to go down and bring the laptop up to work on me blog and post some photo’s of Lynton from his visit yesterday.

I got all the bit and pieces up okay – but could I find me camera?

Could I ‘eck as?

After searching the front room draws shelves floor etc and failing to find it – I searched the kitchen (that’s the only downstairs rooms in the house), then decided I had lost it completely. Bamboozled and annoyed with myself puts it lightly.

So, I decided to give up and fetch the things back downstairs. On my way up the stairs (An hour and a half after starting me searching) I saw the camera laying there – and naturally then remembered leaving it there last night to bring up later. (Huh, wotta plonka of the highest order!)

I managed to get em ready. Then tried to load the internet and the laptop beeped then froze on me. I had to press and hold the start button then reload/start the laptop.

But it’s been alright since?

Big mouth Inchcock! Grrrr…

Coreldraw9 keeps freezing, and have to force close the flipping laptop, done it three times this morning. Oh woe is me, well down now. Tsk!

Did some work on a new post for a while, during which I felt the dreaded warm and wet sensation from the little ‘Inch’. Bleeding again… Hey-ho. I can’t go to the clinic today because I’ve promised to go with Sister Jane to the hospital for her to have checks on her knees done. Bit of support yer know bless her.

Good job I got some graphics done earlier to use.

Also I said I’d try and take some photo’s today of the older parts of Nottingham for the TFZ group. So I’ll aim to walk to town in plenty of time to meet Jane at 1315hrs at her bus stop, then catch bus to the Queens Medical Centre, and take some on my way.

W17Th02Spit and polished myself checked Inchy (dribbling) and got things ready to take with me to meet Jane, I hope?

Set off on my walk into town planning on taking some pictures en route for the TFZ’ers site – but the knees were so bad a diversion would have meant me being late to meet Jane and Pete.

I couldn’t resist taking a photograph of the poor chap who from outside of Pound World, who they had dressed up in s Snowman costume and had apparently been hired to wave at the children?

Got into town and met them, we then caught a bus to the QMC arriving in plenty of time.

13-11-1413-11-14They both looked in good form, but hearing is getting as bad as mine at times. We had a good natter while waiting and Jane was called in early for her tests.

They were completed in half an hour and we caught a bus back to town. I took some photo’s of them on the bus, I don’t think Jane was too pleased about it because the lighting on the bus changed her hair colour in the photo.

I hobbled along with them while they did some shopping,

Said our farewells and I caught a bus back to the dump.

When I got in all I as good for, was getting my head down after applying more pain gel to me knees. So I got me head down after applying more pain gel to me knees!

Friday 14th November 2014

Arose about 0330hrs and went down to make a cuppa.

I was going to do some porridge in the microwave, but stopped it as soon as the sparks flew from the sides of the door! I found the door edging was corroded. So, no hot food until I get another. (Being frustrated and depressed comes naturally and easily to me you know – Tsk!)

The laptop was upstairs so I returned to update and post yesterday’s diary and have a poddle on Facebook.

Feeling strangely depressed a tad again this morning, as if I just know something bad is going to happen?

The knees are still not very good, and the Angina… well, not good also.

Got a lot of sorting to do, the launderette; well I’ll have to manage for clothes until next week. Then I’ll have the struggle of carrying two dirty great bags-full down to the launderette. – Not Done!

I’ve got to get to the G.U.M. clinic to book another appointment. Not Done!

I want to get to the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop with the bits for them. -  Not Done!

I’ve got to go to the Computer shop to sort laptop. – Not Done!

I’ve got to sort out a new microwave cooker. – Not Done!

Got to sort the rubbish and put the bins out for collection. – Done!

Oh forget it… I can’t cope with the thought of it all. (Hehe)

I washed the little ‘Inch’ no blood showing at all.  Until I pulled at him and it spurted out again. This time I could see the lesion as it filled with blood and then flowed out.

As I’ve said before, thank heavens for kitchen towels!

I went back down and put the bins put out for collection, made another cuppa and took me medications.

Then I returned to the laptop. Coreldraw9 is now working in a slow fashion thankfully.

Not feeling too well today, staying put indoors (Again}.

Took me yonks to get to sleep, hours! (Tsk)

Saturday 15th November 2014

Still not feeling up to par this morning.

I managed a decent four hours kip though.

0430hrs: Made cuppa and returned to sleeping bag and read some of the Blood Red Snow book.

0530: Made cuppa, started laptop to update this and took me medications.

W18Fri5Tried to take a photo but the new camera wouldn’t shoot? What have I done? Put the batteries on charge in hopes that this will solve me dilemma.

I looked briefly at the pile of washing up waiting for attention – and ignored them like any true professional loafer would.

Really want to get out today and take some photographs for the Troll Free Zone gals from America, Australia, Canada etc. But I’m feeling drained again. I’ll see how I feel in a bit.

Rumbling tummy has joined the Arthur Itis and Angina… good job I’m used to suffering yer know. (Hehehe)

Did a bit of Facebooking and posted yesterday’s Diary.

Cleansed and checked and creamed little ‘Inchy’ – blood spurting again. Getting a bit fed-up with this now.

Then again feeling so depressed with everything I’m not surprised I’m getting ratty.

Set off on my scenic route walk to town.

Bit dark but not too cold yet.

Took some photo’s en –route and in town, when the heavens opened and don came the rain. I felt so sorry for a Big Issue seller I bought W18Fri4her an umbrella.

The old library building, now part of Trent University looked nice in the rain. It was bombed in 1917 by a German airship, but soon repaired with great care.

Walked to the 99p shop and got some bits. Then to the Pound Shop for some long socks.

Then I hobbled to Primark for underwear to replace me bloodied ones that won’t wash out. Got some long sleeve T-shirts, my own fault for W18Fri2not going to the launderette that I needed these.

The workers were in the slab square preparing the Nottingham ‘You-can’t-afford-it’ Christmas stalls.

Then off to a cob shop so I would have something to eat now I have no means of cooking anything back at the hovel. (Double Tsk!) Good job they had some cheapo ones in fer me.

W18Fri3Took a photo of shoppers in the rain outside the Cob shop.

Caught the bus back to Carrington and pondered on whether I should get some chips to go with me sarnies tonight or not – I remembered how horrible the last chips were ones that I got from Pancho’s and decided against it.

Still raining, but at least the camera seems to be working. Glad something is!

Got in and WC, started laptop…

Well I didn’t actually, I tried – but nothing happened!

Oh dear, sadness and depression dawning again?

I pressed and held the Start button to turn it off. Gave in a minute and pressed again to try and start her.

Several minutes later message: Start-up  is not responding do you want to (I forget the word) reset to a time the laptop last worked? Yes!

Many minutes later it came to life… Phew! But very slowly indeed.

So I got this diary done ASAP in case she conks-out on me again.

Posted it early – I never know when bad-luck will strike (Well I do really… always!)

Sunday 16th November 2014

IMG_0249I was up cleaning little ‘Inchy’ and changing me bloodied night attire at 0200hrs. Well pee’d off with it now!

Started laptop and made a cuppa and pot of porridge.

Angina bad.

Toyed on the internet for many hours, having to restart the laptop a few times though. But Coreldraw seemed content not to crash. (Up to now!)

Hope to get out and take some photo’s later, but the weather is a tad foggy and not very welcoming.

The depression self-pity and Angina beat me today – Not doing anything but Internetting.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Satire, The League Of Mental Men

Jubilation As Satirical Magazine’s Stats Sky Rocket

Soz Offices

Headquarters of wildly successful magazine where the concept of IP addresses remains largely unknown

The writing staff at a largely unheard-of satirical magazine were last night celebrating at their East London offices as news broke that their recorded online “hits” had passed the magical 15000 mark.

The editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee 21, told us. “We’re absolutely over the moon to have reached this milestone and it’s all the more remarkable because almost every visit we received was from this very vicinity. I can only assume it’s because we’re a London-based publication and therefore popular with local people in our area. There were a few hits from South London mind you. From the Lambeth area to be exact. I’ll have to ask The Artful Dodger if we’ve got any fans in that neck of the woods. He lives there you see”

If you’d like to widen our readership and be a part of our sparkling success story why not pay us a visit at: http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Or write to us at:

Soz Towers

22 Shit Street

London E2

PS. No need to leave your IP address as we don’t put any store by any of that silly nonsense.

Clivey

2 Comments

Filed under Satire

Deafening Silence Ensues As Satirical Magazine Advertises For People To Pose In Their Pants

pants

Professional pants models enjoy a steamy romp without risking the chance of an unwanted pregnancy

 

A sullen silence fell across a large part of the civilised world yesterday after a London-based satirical magazine placed an ad in their situations vacant column, calling for people to voluntarily pose in their underwear for a forthcoming photo casebook style section in their December edition.

Editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee 19, told us from his office close to a number of pubs in East London. “The response to our ad has been truly remarkable. I haven’t experienced an unhelpful, surly lack of cooperation on this scale since we advertised for a cartoonist a few weeks ago”

To witness the complete lack of response, bordering on dumb insolence for yourself, visit the Personal And Classified Ads section of the following publication:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Please remain clothed during your visit. Especially you Inchcock.

PS. Why not try our brand new “Likes & Comments” section to help pass the time while you’re in there. I found it so enthralling I’ve actually “liked” over 300 of my own comments!

3 Comments

Filed under Satire