Mob Attack Offices Of Satirical Magazine As Wave Of Apathy Turns Nasty

Soz Offices

The plush, Soz Satire Office, looking resplendent, shortly before being attacked by a baying mob

A baying mob of over 200 furious bookworms and newsagents last night stormed the offices of the controversial satirical magazine, Soz Satire, following the launch of their eagerly anticipated, Halloween edition.

Wielding burning torches, pitchforks and assault rifles, the mob entered the building just before midnight, smashing everything they could get their hands on and setting fire to the office cat. First reports claim that thousands of pounds of improvements were made.

The reaction to the new issue wasn’t all bad though, as we discovered when we randomly interviewed a number of passers-by last night:

“I found the new Halloween edition thought provoking, insightful, mildly educational and searingly erotic. My only complaint is that there’s no facility for “liking” or commenting” – Clivey Dee

“I was released from prison earlier this morning, and used the new Halloween edition to jemmy open the door of a local jewellers. I’ll definitely be buying the November issue” – Gary Hoadley #128648634

“I read the Halloween issue in the billiard room and to my surprise my wife Shirley bought me up a selection of cold cuts with various delicious relishes and a bottle of vintage Krug without me having to beat her” – Mike Steeden

“I was a sickly shell of a man with no stamina or zest for life, and whose libido was virtually non-existent until I read the brilliant new Halloween edition. Now I’m running a thriving bawdy house in Rotherham where I’m pimping for 25 bitches, twelve of whom I’ve made pregnant. Thanks Soz Satire” – Inchcock

“I used to live in the Caribbean hell-hole of Curacao, cavorting daily with a variety of dusky young lovelies, who would peel my grapes and fan me with their pants. Now thanks to the Halloween issue of Soz Satire I have a one bedroom studio apartment in Pyong Yang where I spend my days masturbating to pictures of Trotsky and listening to Lulu records” – Lenny Van Ree

“Nothing I can say about the fabulous new Halloween edition will carry any weight as I’m named after a dingy area of South London. I bet it’s really great though!…especially my skit!” – Mic Norbury

“I’m not in this issue because I sent my copy in too late, so it’s probably really shit. I bet it picks up next week when my skit about taking a dump gets published though!” – Bill Jago

“My graphics and artwork was the laughing stock of the entire United Kingdom until I picked up a copy of the brilliantly illustrated, Soz Satire Halloween edition. Now I’ve been nominated for the Turner Prize and have been asked to turn out for Sheffield United Ladies in their forthcoming FA cup third round tussle with Manchester City” – The Artful Dodger

To get your copy of the scintillating and life-changing Halloween issue simply click this link and we guarantee your whole world will start rocking almost immediately…in all probability.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

SOZ Satire - Ocotober 2014

No blacks, Irish, Staffordshire Bull Terriers or Millwall fans.

Clivey

3 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

HIGH ON EMOTION

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea

 

Dear Diary,

Today I smoked pot for the first time. I also pardoned five war criminals, just because I felt like it. I also got a letter from Hillary, asking me to release Kenneth Bae. I almost did it, cause I kinda like Hillary and her husband. When Bill visited my dead dad in 2009, he brought me a box full of Oreos. I thought that was supercool of him.

Bill visiting my dad, who is not dead.

Bill and I even shared an Oreo when he was here. I pulled it apart and kept both halves behind my back. Then Bill had to pick which half he would eat by saying ‘left hand’ or ‘right hand’. He said ‘right hand’. Thank god he picked the empty half. I was left with most of the white stuff.

At first Bill even wanted to give me his half too, but I said: “No, Bill, go ahead, you eat. That’s how we do things here in North Korea. We share.”
But Bill still didn’t want to eat it. Then I saw his half of the Oreo started to melt in his hand, so I asked him if he was gonna eat that. Bill said he wasn’t, so I took his half too. That’s when I told my dad Bill was an okay guy.

And Hillary is great too. I wish she had become president instead of Barack. I wish she would come visit, but she never answers my email. I think maybe Hillary doesn’t like me as much as Bill. Perhaps that’s because I’m a ladies’ guy like Bill. That’s what I’m known for in North Korea. Bill gets me. I think Hillary would like my wife, though. They could talk about woman stuff together, while I show Bill all the nice ladies as they’re being filmed in their homes.

Perhaps if I release Kenneth Bae, Bill and Hillary could visit. I was in such a good mood today. I almost picked up the phone to ask South Korea if they were still interested in a peace treaty, but my generals convinced me that’s not a good idea somehow. I love my generals. They’re always there when I need them.

After talking to my generals I wanted to call Hillary and tell her I’d release Kenneth Bae. Then Dennis Rodman called. He told me I would look weak if I release Kenneth Bae and that if anyone would take the credit for saving him, it would be him and not Hillary. I get the feeling Dennis Rodman doesn’t have many friends either, just like me. I don’t know why. He is always so nice to me.

The world is such a beautiful place! I feel happy now. North Korea is a great place, because people can smoke pot here. They seem to be smoking a lot. My dead dad always told me to stay away from it. But he is dead. I think I will smoke pot more often. Perhaps Bill and I could smoke pot together someday. My advisors tell me he likes it too.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I’m sure I had left some weed on my desk, but it’s gone now. I suspect one of my generals may have taken it.

 

This godawful character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation infamy.

6 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

JONAH ‘UNFRIENDS’ GOD ON FACEBOOK!

jonah“Crikey Jonah mate look at the state of you and by heck you stink of rotting fish! You’ve not been frequenting that house of ill repute again you dirty old rascal.”

“Leave it out landlord…….me in a house of ill repute, how dare you! Yet you are right though I do chuck up more than a bit. After the events of the last few days it’s no fucking wonder I stink…..but I’ll tell you what I need a stiff drink and I need one now!”

“Here you go……..triple Talisker on the rocks……that should hit the spot…….I’ll just open the door…..you know……let a bit of fresh air in as you’re distressing my patrons mate…….there, that’s a fraction better…….now then Jonah my friend just what have you been up to?”

“Fucking long story landlord but if you really want to know I’ve been stuck inside a bloody great whale’s stomach for three whole days……..not good I can tell you.”

“You’re pulling my plonker…….stuck inside a whale……no, not buying that one.”

“Fucking true, hand on heart so help me God…..promise it’s the honest truth. What happened was, was that I was on me Android Tablet thingy……..Whore of Babylon’s Facebook page if you must know – quite a girl I can tell you…..when out the blue a private message from God pops up……..knew I should have unfriended Him after the last time but that’s another story…….anyway He posts, ‘Oi Jonah being omnipotent and that I can see you are taking a gander at a little more than cakes, cats and homely kids you sinner you…….I’ll let you off this time yet I do have a little task for you to undertake. You see those debauched bastards up the road from you in…….bollocks forgot the name……no got it…….in Nineveh need a bit of a talking to if you get my drift. What you will do is get on yer bike over there post haste and give them the heads up (bit of prophesying generally does the trick) that if they don’t get their act together sharpish I shall be on their case…..you know a smite here a smite there…….oh, and by the way if you’re not up for it you shall sleep with the fishes as me old Latino muckers often put it.’”

“So what did you do then? I’m guessing you took a swift knee dash to Nineveh then?”

“Me in Nineveh…….no landlord you’ve got to be joking mate.   Last time I set foot there it all went horribly, horribly wrong.”

“How so Jonah?”

“Got pissed as a rat didn’t I………had a punch up in Harry’s Bar……….nutted a copper trying to nick me……stole a motor what happened to be the Mayors…….made me getaway but not before trashing the car in a ditch…….you name it I did it.   How could God take the liberty of sending me back there I’ll never know. Anyway in the light of this I thought I’d do a runner…….you know keep a low profile for a bit in the hope he’d forget about this what with Him having a lot on presently……..so I dived down to the harbour and jumped a fishing boat……Eric’s it was, you know Eric he plays darts in here of a Friday night.   He was only too pleased to have an extra hand on board.”

“So how did it all go tits up then?”

“Massive great storm that’s how! We was only a few miles out when it hit……never seen the like of it……..worse still was that the boys thought I was a jinx……..that I had caused the storm…….obviously I protested my innocence but had earlier made the mistake of telling Eric about me being on the run from God and he put two and two together and had the lads chuck me overboard whereupon the sea miraculously calmed in an instant.”

“How did you get inside a whale then?”

“How the fuck should I know…….one minute I’m having a bit of a swim……..next minute gulp…..and I’m in a whales stomach…….along with I might add a load of shopping trolleys, plastic cider bottles, used condoms…….you name it it was there. Fucking horrible I must say.”

“Crikey Jonah mate you were either brave or stupid doing what you did ‘in the presence of the Lord’…..I mean you know the old boy never turns a blind eye. How come you didn’t end up in the whale’s digestive system only to be shat out it’s arsehole in the fullness of time?”

“Bottled didn’t I! I’m not ashamed to say I was shitting myself so I offered up a prayer or two and God had the whale spit me out……..very impressive spit I must say………I must have been spat one hell of a distance because when I splashed down the water was only ankle deep so I could wade ashore.”

“So God let you off easy then?”

“Did He hell……..no I had to pop along to Nineveh and sort the matter out for Him……..the locals didn’t take too kindly to me being there…….yet needs must when the old devil drives………not sure if they took any notice of my warnings though……….basically they told me to piss off back home……we’ll have to see how it goes on that front.”

“Was God chuffed you helped Him out in the end then?”

“Dunno I unfriended Him on Facebook in a fit of angst. Thought, ‘that’ll learn Him.’”

“Was that wise?”

“What’s the worst He could do?”

“Think he’s done that mate?”

“Done what?”

“Look here on Facebook…….He’s only gone and changed all your updates back to the beginning of time……..look it’s all girly flower arrangements and pictures of burgers and chips covered in red sauce……mammoth portions mind………and posts with you saying things like, ‘I’m just off to the little boy’s room for a number two’ and ‘I hate it when it rains at lunchtime’…….and here mate look at this one………he’s only had you share this pic saying ‘IF YOU LOVE – I mean really love – POOR ICKLE THREE LEGGED DOGGIES THEN KNIT THEM A WINTER COAT AND SHARE THIS’……..He’s made you look a right royal prat mate! You’ll never live this down.”

“Bollocks.”

16 Comments

Filed under The League Of Mental Men

Letter to LOMM – Confused

 

Lomm Top

 

Dear LOMM,

I wented on a trip yesterday to the Papplewick Pumping Station.

Ware I fond many old enemies of Grate Britain lurking about all over the place?

AlfThis confused me sumwot, as I pride misen on ceeping up to date on these fings.

I took a fottograph of sum of them and enclose it wiv this letter for yor staudy and komment pleese.

I’d really like to know worrit wer all abart.

Thank you.

Yorn,

Professor Algernoon Wainright MP.

Advisor to Nicolas Clegg.

5 Comments

Filed under Humour, Satire, The League Of Mental Men

The Great London Beer Flood of 1814 – Diaries found!

Beer04

Mayhem followed the flood

Beer02An unlimited, free supply of beer – it sounds wonderful doesn’t it? But when it is over one million litres in volume and in a tidal wave at least 15 feet high, as it was in the London Beer Flood on 17 October 1814, the prospect seems less appealing.

Two hundred years, a broken vat at the Horse Shoe Brewery on Tottenham Court Road flooded the local area with porter, a dark beer native to the capital, killing eight people and demolishing a pair of homes. Did they die happy?

Beer01

The Horse Shoe Brewery

Beer06Marissa

Esmeralda Burger

Beer07Marissa

Landlord Marissa

We have Esmeralda Burger the great grandmother of Marissa to thank for the discovery of the diaries she found when she was burying some overseas investment receipts in her cellar in readiness for her accountants visit.

She was happy to hand over the diaries to our reporter Juan Inchcock. She released him from the cellar two days later and he limped back to the office to hand them in for publication with a rarely seen smile on his face.

She had explained: “Granny Esmeralda was a social lady, and not averse to a drop of Porter herself. I think that was what helped me in buying the Open Arms Inn here, but we do not sell Porter… perhaps we should?” With my modelling and wrestling career taking up so much time I can’t devote enough time to the Inn really. By the way, would you like a ____ (This word was erased from the manuscript)  Juan replied; “Oh not ‘alf!”

Beer03churchy

Benedict Churchmouse

Benedict Churchmouse (54), the clerk on duty, told our Ace unpaid unhygienic ex-gas lamp light wick trimmer WordPress reporter Jaun Inchcock what happened:

“I was on a platform about 30 feet from the vat when it burst. I heard the crash as it went off, and ran immediately to the storehouse, where the vat was situated. It caused dreadful devastation on the premises – it knocked four butts over, and staved several, as the pressure was so excessive. Between 8 and 9,000 barrels of porter* [were] lost.”

Beer02aPorter* Porter is a dark style of beer originating in London in the 18th century, descended from brown beer, a well-hopped beer made from brown malt.  Iy is still sold today. The name is thought to come from its popularity with street and river porters.

The beer inundated the nearby slum of St Giles Rookery – an area of poverty and vice which inspired Hogarth’s ‘Gin Lane’ – flooding the cellars where whole families lived.

Reports of people stealing the beer and getting drunk followed the accident.

Recorded views of the locals at the time:

Beer09MSjudge

Ebenezer Steeden

Ebenezer Steeden, the local part-time Barnaby Rudge (Judge), Peel Street Runner and Liquorice Allsorts sorter reported:

“I wor mayhem I cun tell yee. I had ‘ell of a job keepin’ the riffraff outa moy cellar wot had got flooded with the porter yer see. I had to send the wife out for more buckets, but she got mugged ont way back wiv em like. Luckily I wont on duty so I couldn’t go out to tackle the mobs although I’d ‘ave loved to. If yer know any landlords who’d like a nice bucket or two of Porter, I cun let em ‘ave em fer 3d a go like!”

Beer05GzCl

Dodger and Zebedee

Dodger Danton: local terror to the constabulary and loose women of the Tottenham Court Road area and part time dentist and horse-cart repairer. Also a partner in crime with Zeberdee Gaztops.

“Would yer Adam an Eve it gov eh? I wus just ‘avin me army and navy with me roasted rat, un all ‘ell let loose like. I ‘ad a butchers un saw all the Porter running darn the road see. Well I thought, don’t be an Hampton un got missen out with the saucepans like collecting it best I could. Got me uncle Bert wet but that didn’t matter. I got Gaztops who wus lodging with us like to come and help me, but he was already out there like with me guzzunder and bucket bless his cotton socks. No need to visit the Battlecruiser that night. Or for a few more, when we did get back he’d ran out of Porter – so I offered to flog him some cheap like and he threatened me wiv bird lime time like. Still, he did buy some and me and Gaztops wus well pleased wiv the profits.” Mind you, wiv all that gettin’ wet I did have problems with me Chalfont St. Giles!”

Beer09Gaz

Gaztops Grabyergoolies

Zebedee Gaztops: Fish porter, alcoholic and bouncer of the times.

“Great wonnit guv! Hic…”

We spoke with Zebedee’s great grandson Gaztops Grabyergoolies outside the nightclub he was on the door of, unfortunately disturbing his attendances to a certain dancing lady whp immediately put her face mask on.

Juan looked up into his face and asked him meakly: “Mr Grabyergoolies, your great grandfather has been mentioned in a diary that has come to light about the Great London Beer flood of 1814. What do you think about that then Sir?”

The last thing that Juan remembers until he wole up in hospital was the great finger pointing at him and Mr Grabyergoolies dogs growling.

Beer08GCGC

The photo Juliet bought for Juan

It was while he was in the hospital that his partner Juliet Littlegets brought him some old magazines to read. And he realised that he himself had a great grandmother who lived in the area at the time of the flood.

Juliet brought him some old photos from the family album later that day. And quipped as he perused them : “Maybe she was givin’ you a wash in Porter? That might explain why yer so slow witted uneducated and microscopically equipped yer bloody midget!” She left the ward.

Leaving Juan to think about what she had said. He called a nurse and asked her for a dictionary so he could discover what microscopically meant.

9 Comments

Filed under Humour, Satire, The League Of Mental Men

Arboretum Pond-side Cafe – Under New Management (Updated)

AChead

AC01

The Original Arboretum Pond-side Cafe

Juan Inchcock, retired Gas Lamp Light Wick Trimmer and Ace unpaid reporter for the LOMM Weekly Gazette brings you all the details of this fascinating move in management of Nottingham’s Arboretum Pondside Cafe.

The Pond-side Cafe situated in the picturesque crime ridden Nottingham Arboretum has been bought out by the waitress Shirley Prodworthy.

This transaction was prompted by the three owners no longer being able to give the time to the business that they would have liked.

AC4Mr Gaz-tops is investing his time in writing his first book ‘My Part in the Great Train Robbery and the Brink’s Affair’. He is currently having his picture taken by the professionals.

CliveJailbarsMr Clivey-boy was unavailable for comment when we tried to approach him, but the desk officer expected him to released on bail later that day.

Mr Churchy is to devote more of his time a volunteer care worker at the ‘Guidance for Young Ladies Institute’.

Mr Steedon has decided to stand for Parliament as an independent under the banner of ‘If yer can’t beat em, join em campaign.’ We understand he is using what monies raised in the sale to buy poison gas and armaments?

AC02We found Ms Prodworthy at the local boys youth club where she is a part-time volunteer ‘Prospects Potential Assessor’ for the lads. She granted us an interview:

Juan: “Good morning Ms Prodworthy, could you tell us about how this change in ownership and management came about please?”

Ms Prodworthy put down the young lad she was assessing and replied: “Yes, when I was the part-time waitress there I always thought that the bosses were not fully committed to the enterprise. Every day they had deliveries from unmarked white transit vans by drivers with nervous ticks. The goods they were bringing were in large plastic bags of white powder. I was unsure if it was salt or sugar. When they got me weighing out half ounces and putting it in little bags, I knew something was amiss. Naturally I breathed in some of the powder and I liked it.”

Juan: “Was this drugs then?”

Ms Prodworthy: “Who cared?”

Juan: “I see?”

Ms Prodworthy: “I started slipping a bit of the stuff away fer meself like, and it soon added up. Then I flogged it off cheaper than wot that lot were doin’ like see?”

Juan: “You seem to be changing into using a local Nottingham accent Ms Prodworthy?”

Ms Prodworthy: “Sorry about that, it’s the lads at the club you know… I pick up no end of stuff from them!”

She looked Juan up and down and smiled at him, then continued: “You’ve got to blend in. Anyroad… I mean anyway, I decided that it was wrong of me to sell these abdominal drugs and with the cash I’d raised I bought them out and got control of the Cafe.”

Juan: “So, what changes are you planning on Ms Prodworthy?”

Ms Prodworthy: “A few new recipes on the menu of course can be expected with extra.. er salt and sugar perhaps?” She gave a knowing look at Juan and asked him if he had considered working in a cafe, because there could be several benefits for him!

AC3She loosened her blouse and broke into a smile a man could have died for than added: “Well? Answer me you nelly faced burke!”

Juan stammered out something about having to leave. After he apologised Ms Prodworthy lowered him back to the floor and released her hold on his neck.

An altercation ensued.

Juan passed out smilingly and an ambulance was called for.

More to follow when they release him from the Queens Medical Centre hospital again.

3 Comments

Filed under Humour, Satire, The League Of Mental Men

Nottingham Police Commissioner Steedenski Demoted! (Updated)

MShead

MS001

LOMM Chief Editor Clivey-boy Knuckleduster at work in his office

Shock report from unpaid LOMM reporterMS02 Juan Inchcock (68) via champion ace carrier pigeon (Gaylord 2nd) just received in the loft of LOMM Times Daily Gazette by editor Clivey-boy Knuckleduster. Who despite there being no proof that the story is genuine, has decided to run with it. (Straight to the Sun. Where he sold it for a quick profit and bought Juan Inchcock a packet of Microwave sausage in payment).

MS01Juan managed to try and interview Mr Steedenski as he came out of Police headquarters immediately after losing his job and asked him:

MS03“I understand you’ve lost your position as Nottingham’s Police Commissioner Mr Steedenski? And after only two weeks in the job too?”

Mr Steedenski kept ultra calm in the face of this tigerish reporter’s questions. He clouted him around the head and replied:

“Little do you know Da da da, da da mate! I have not been sacked at all, I just wanted a change of duties that’s all mush!” He poked Juan in his left eye and pulled him to one side down an alley…

When the ambulance arrived Juan was still in a state of shock and couldn’t recall exactly how he’s got the bruised ribs, black eyes or the inserted truncheon.

Being a rather persistent type of pillock; when he was released from the Queens Medical Centre Juan continued his quest for the truth and located himself outside the ex-commissioner’s home, and awaited his arrival so he could again attempt to interview him.

MS03aThree days later the postman saw Juan’s prostrate body in the bushes, dehydrated and called for an ambulance.

As they waited a barely conscious Juan asked the Postman Churchy if he had missed Mr Steedenski’s arrival. Mr Churchy told him he had got the wrong house, Mr Steedenski lived four houses up the avenue. He also questioned the parentage of Juan.

When Juan was released from the Queens Medical Centre he again ensconced himself in the grounds of Mr Steedenski’s real house though this time, and planned his entrapment of the ex-commissioner.

MS04The commissioners wife came out of the house and cunningly smiled as she kneed him in the groin area, rammed his left arm up his back then dragged him into the mansion and deposited him unceremoniously in one of the state rooms, where Mr Steedenski who was relaxing watching some women’s beach volley ball on his 46 inch screened television.

“Here Mike” she said to her husband “I found this lurking about outside near the Rhododendrons.” With that she flicked Juan around his ear-hole passed wind and left.

Mr Steedenski laying in a luxurious chair with his feet up on pouffe, glanced at Juan and said: “Alright mush, I can see yer ain’t gonna give up… I’ll tell yer the story.”

This perked Juan up, and he whipped out his pencil and pad.

“Truth is I was getting well fed up with taking all that responsibility and I asked em if I could become a Traffic Warden instead of Police Commissioner!”

Juan looked a little confused.

“But” he added “With a bit more power like. Having the gun with me will help me to sort out the scumbag idiots who park in disabled bays yer see. And the wife can show me how to use the weapon safely and accurately like.”

Juan was still confused.

MS05Mr Steedenski reached over to his glass of champagne andhad a gulp and added: “Wait ‘ere I’ll put me uniform on and yer cun see what yer think.”

He came back in his uniform and adopted the pose he intends to use on transgressing motorists with the deadly finger point. Then asked what Juan thought about it.

Juan thought about questioning the need for a firearm that was holstered on his hip… but said he thought it was very nice.

His wife returned into the room and asked Mr Steedenski if they were going to let this misshaped hapless short-arsed decrepit so called reporter to leave or are they going to arrange for his disappearance like.

The fact that she was carrying a Glock pistol, and then pointed it at Juan with a knowing smile on her face concerned him somewhat.

MS06

Her other half thought about this for a while, then said: Yer, go on gal, enjoy yerself.

Juan immediately went into begging and pleading mode…

To no avail!

She fired three rounds in a cold calculating precision ridden style as she laughed out loud!

MS07 Juan was further confused when he realised he felt little pain and could see no blood on the 2 square inch of his chest where the bullets were professionally fired and  he felt the impact?

She laughed manically and spluttered out that she was using blank ammunition.

Mr Steedenski chirped in at this points with: “Blanks” Bloody blanks? After all I’ve taught you and you use blanks?”

Well she replied, you’ve been firing em for long enough ducky!

Juan escaped as the Mr Steedenski and his other half were wrestling each other on the carpet – smilingly Juan noticed as he ran out of the door. 

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Satire, The League Of Mental Men

Inchy’s Diary Week 06: W/E 19th October 2014

01M01Head

Inchcock Today: Monday 13th October 2014

01M02

Up at 0415hrs tending the ‘Inch’ yet again.

01M04I’ve got to go see Dr Vindla this morning for it to be checked along with me blood pressure. Must remember to tell her about it leaking so much again.

Down and made a cuppa – bit worried about me nto wanting to eat in a morning nowadays? Took medications.

Hurried me LOMM posts and got em posted in about three hours.

Dank dark and drizzly outside this morning – a bit like inside really! Hehehe

Awaiting Asda delivery. Hope it ain’t late or I might miss me Doctors appointment. Supposed to be here twixt 0700 and 0900 hrs?

Asda arrived with five substitutions on me order. Never mind, but I’ll have to give the substitute for me body spray to Dr Vindla cause it is for women and the scent is a bit sweet like.

01M03Got myself sorted out latrine-wise, and set off to the surgery.

Heavy rain now.

Dr Vindla now concerned about me ‘Inch’ and told me to ring a number she gave for an appointment along with a letter, for the G.U.M. City Hospital Clinic.

I’ll look up G.U.M. hang on a sec…

I’m back, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, well…

Apparently G.U.M. is Genito-Urinary Medicine? Mmmm?

Got back to the flea-pit and tried ringing them a few times but was put on hold every time with canned music, and a bloke telling me he is sorry to keep me waiting – please hold.

I decided to go to the City hospital and take the letter and try to get an appointment in person. What’s the chances eh?

I think I can catch a bus from the City Hospital afterwards to the QMC Hospital straight through?

Ah well, out into the rain again…

I walked to the bus stop, arthritis in the knees not too bad this morning, but the ‘Inch’ is stinging somewhat and the hands are a bit bothersome with sticking and not wanting to do as I request of ‘em.

01M04aaWell soaked in the rain, I boarded a bus and dropped off on Hucknall Road, and walked to the nearest of the five entrances to the site. Found a location site board and entered to have a gander at it to find the G.U.M. building.

The sign told me (It didn’t speak like, it was wot I read on it you understand like) I should be at entrance number 2 – so I walked back to look at the sign number at the entrance I’d just come through yer see.

It was number two, so I turned back to read the sign in more depth and  blow me down – the first building on front of me was the one I wanted… is me luck changing I thought?

I wearily entered and approached the chappie on reception. I explained it all to him and he made me an appointment for tomorrow morning at 1030hrs bless him.

01M04aI ask him where I could catch the Medi-link bus and he told me. So I caught it to the Queens Medical Centre. Got some more of me Operation Sea Lion book read en route.

Took another photo of the front of the premises to try and catch a bird that was unknown to me… but it shot off too soon.

01M05Went in and got me INR blood level checks done.

They were not too busy, so I told them me tale and gave em a laugh and had a little natter with em… oh and gave em there nibbles.

I enjoyed that and felt a lot better in myself when I departed their company with a wave and good wishes.

Trundled along the being mended road and caught a bus back to town.

Still raining a bit.

01M04bThe bus was very full and I was lucky to get a seat thank heavens.

The bus passengers sounded a sickly bunch, so many of the poor devils sneezing and coughing.

I got some good reading in on the way, and ate a pack of seaweed and a packet of savoury nibbles too. So maybe me appetite is returning?

I had a wander around town for a bit and wrote down me appointment for tomorrow and set me alarm to remind me on the mobile phone. When I was doing this a young chap next to me said: “You don’t see many of them models nowadays do you, how long have you had it – it still works does it?”

I replied: “Yes it still works for an old un, just like me… just! He laughed out loud.

I love giving folk a laugh, or even just to make them smile.

Now in amazingly good spirits considering me current situation, I stood up to walk to the bus stop to catch one to Carrington… and how the idiot on a Mobility scooter missed clobbering me I don’t know! Tsk Tsk and Tsk!

Got home (If that is the right word for it?) made a cuppa, took me medications, set about updating this, then had a look at blogs and Facebook for a bit.

Tonight it should be Minced Beef Hotpot, followed by a mini pork pie then iced lollies. If all goes to plan of course.

TTFN all.

02TuHead

Tuesday 14th October 2014

02Tu01

Up at 0400hrs WC.

G.U.M. clinic appointment at the City Hospital today 1040hrs.

No blood from the ‘Inch’ at all but by gum (G.U.M.?) it was swollen sore and tender!

Made cuppa and took medications then did a bit of Internetting.

Had good scrub down and got read for me trip to City G.U.M. Hospital Clinic.

I called in the launderette on the way and told Big John and Mandie about me visit to the City Hospital preventing my doing me laundry, I’ll have to do it tomorrow if possible. Gave em a laugh yer know.

Caught bus to the clinic, walked in and saw the reception bloke and tool a seat in the ‘Mens Waiting Area’ after filling in a form that needed to know everything it seemed to me.

Started to read me book, but by the time I’d read a few pages, a young looking female doctor came and introduced herself. Then took me through to a little office for interrogation.

I gave her the letter from me Doctor and she perused it, then started with the questions about my sexuality, habits and history.

We then walked into a tiny treatment room, she told me to dropped em and sit on the bench awaiting her return. I did.

She put a light over me ‘Inch’ and got down to examine it – a smile curled onto her face for just a fleeting second, but she managed not to laugh bless her.

If it was so swollen with the infection and was its usual size I think she might have laughed though?

She was concerned about the swelling and asked questions about how I managed things. Without too much difficulty I answered.

She put a paper towel over me ‘Inch’ and left the room to consult with a colleague.

She returned.

They had decided to give me some Miconazole Steroid Nitrate (How much does it cost for the day-rate I thought hehehe) Hydrocortisone cream.

She departed and told me a nurse would come and give the cream and instructions to me.

I pulled up me trews and waited.

The nurse came in, very nice personality too, and told me to apply the cream morning and night after washing the ‘Inch’, and how much to use. The cream Brand name Daktacort must be kept in a fridge between applications. This was vital she said.

She said it should last for 2 weeks, but if things don’t begin to improve after a week I was to return to them.

“I bet that the sting and cold will wake me up in a morning? “I said to her: “Oh yes it will” she replied smiling.

I thanked her ad made me way to the bus-stop.

Dropped off in Carrington and nipped in and bought some ham and a tomato fer me tea/dinner/lunch/supper.

I got into the flea-pit without any signs of yobs.

Put the Daktacort cream in the fridge, and took some thins out of the fridge to defrost, and put a pack of seaweed in me bag ready for the morning to nibble at the launderette.

‘Inch’ is a bit tender at the moment, but not much bleeding.

Can’t half feel it when I walk cough or bend down?

Took medications and washed ‘Inchy’ – that was when the blood started to pour again. I got really worried it took ages to stop it and when I applied the Daktacort cream, it came again!

I rang Sister Jane to update her.

Several times I had to use the kitchen towels and this scared me for a while. Couldn’t or dare not go to sleep for hours as I had to keep cleaning myself up and hoping it would stop, which eventually it did. But I couldn’t settle and kept checking.

‘Inch’ is a bit tender at the moment, but not much bleeding.

Can’t half feel it when I cough?

Took medications and washed ‘Inchy’ – that was when the blood started to pour again. I got really worried it took ages to stop it and when I applied the Daktacort cream, it came again!

I rang Sister Jane to update her.

Several times I had to use the kitchen towels and this scared me for a while. Couldn’t or dare not go to sleep for hours as I had to keep cleaning myself up and hoping it would stop, which eventually it did. But I couldn’t settle and had to keep checking.

03Wheader

Wednesday 15th October

03W01

Sprang awake around 0230hrs.

WC.

I cleaned up the many screwed up bloodied kitchen towels and packed them safe in their own black bag for disposal at the chemists later.

My ‘Inch’ was so sore painful and inflamed, but not bleeding proper, just a bit of leaking.

0320hrs I came down to the fridge washed and applied Daktacort cream. Only seepage of blood now but the tingling like pain was most unwelcome. It seems like I cannot concentrate on anything else.

Now the angina and a nasty cough have developed. Tsk!

It hurts at the least contact even with the underpants; I dare not remove them for fear of contact with any zips.

Talk about tender! And applying the Daktacort cream straight from the fridge makes yer jump painfully a bit in the morning I can tell yer!

I wus nearly too late to take me morning medications because I’d spent so long sorting the poor little ultra-tender and glowing ‘Inch’ out. Tsk!

Feeling tired drained and lackadaisical. Still interested just enough to like to know how and what brought about this problem with my ‘Inch’ in the first place?

I searched for me hearing-aids wot I lost again and came across an old written diary for last year, I perused it for last October and the entry was not good then.

I posted it on me status on Facebook for a bit of fun and a warning to other decrepit elderly personages:

“A year ago today, I set out on me walk to the hospital for me INR level tests – Got knocked over by a mobility scooter – lost me bus-pass – one of my hearings-aids batteries packed up – caught the wrong bus to go home – got mugged in the alleyway to my street – got home and found I’d left the cooker on and it was still smouldering from the resultant fire.

The police kindly gave me an incident number.

As I went upstairs to retire and console myself, I fell backwards into a rather unseemly pile at the bottom of the stairs, luckily I had me mobile on me to summon help in getting me up again. I broke me walking stick.

I will not be going out today!

Better safe than sorry I says…”

Still sneezing a lot today.

Did some graphics and posts for Inchcock, gorrum posted. Took me ages and of course Coreldraw9 kept crashing.

Bit of Facebooking too.

Feeling hungry now, earlier than usual.

Went up to clean me poorly Inch, but forgot the Daktacort cream was downstairs in the fridge.

Had to use a fair number of kitchen towels before it stipped bleeding, but far less than last night.

Made a cuppa and got back to Facebooking – then of course the ‘Inch’ began dribbling blood again. Not as bad as I thought though, it’s the fact that I’m running out of clean clothes now. Must get meself down to the launderette in the morning and get a good walk in.

When I washed ‘Ichy’ it was agony drying him, so tender. Applied the Daktacort cream from the fridge – not so much blood this time.

04ThHead

By GUM he leads an exciting life dunt he?

Thursday 16th October 2014

04Th01

0310hrs: Sprang awake, WC, and tried to get back to sleep – no chance. Tried reading my Brian Clough book.

0415hrs: Descended down to the fridge to get the Daktacort cream, returned upstairs tended a very inflamed and painful ‘Inch’ – by gum that stings yer know. Hehe!

Back down returned the torture cream to the fridge, started laptop, kettle on and took medications.

The laptop took ages to load and then wouldn’t let me open any programmes like Word. Oh dear…

Pressed restart and it began downloading updates:

Made another cuppa and read a bit of a book while I waited.

0550hrs: Updates finally downloaded and installed!

Laptop running but oh so slowly!

Managed to get me Diary posted on Inchcock for yesterday.

Got the things ready to go to the launderette.

04Th02Went up and beautified missen and set off fer launderette.

Mandie was on duty and we managed a few natters and laughs.

The ‘Inch’ felt a bit odd, but no blood. (Yahooo!)

I got the washing done and dried and hobbled back to the dump with it.

Set out on a walk into town.

04Th03The rain stopped as I was reaching the cemetery.

Poddled on into town and walked through Vic Centre and out the other end and called into the Pound shop.

Got a microwave dish, cheapo DVD and a bag of bird seed. (By gum I know how to live!)

Took a photo from the walk-over.

04Th05Avoided a mobility scooter and then nearly walked into one parked up – Tsk!

Caught the bus back to the flea-pit.

Tiredness and weariness came over me again so I took me medications a little earlier than usual and tended to the ‘Inch’ – boy did he bleed this time! But the cold cream from the fridge making me jump less now I’m getting used to it.

Head down, usual dreams/nightmares and apart from waking to use the WC, I slept for ages more than usual.

05fHead

Friday 17th October

05f02

Jumped wide awake again around 0420hrs.

WC.

I came down to the fridge to use the deadly Daktacort cream on my poor little tender ‘Inch’. He bled a bit again, but not as bad as last night. Surely it should start soon to bleed much less? If it carries on I might go back to the G.U.M. Clinic on Monday. Mind you, maybe not Monday I’ve got me QMC Warfarin INR level checks and GP appointment. Busy little me. I must point out to my doctor about me ribs seem to be sticking out more and I’m losing meat and weight. Mind you I’ve wanted to lose weight for a while, but now it seems to be dropping off despite my eating more than I have been?

Went back upstairs to find me mobile phone… well a search of all the usual places failed to find it and I was getting annoyed with myself.

I tried the old trick of doing something else to see if it worked.

I took out the rubbish to the bins in readiness for the arrival of the Waste Control Technicians.

Then carried out another search for the mobile – no luck.

Sneezing now! Huh!

Gave up the search and got dressed proper like… the mobile was found in me trouser pocket!

Down again and started the laptop (Still so slow I think the end is nigh?)

Medications and a cuppa taken, then the search for me reading glasses took place…

Found em within 39 minutes, naturally I had left them in my shopping bag???

I did some blogging done and went on Facebook. Meritt Hutton had posted a site that tells you which car you should be driving after a few questions being answered.

05f03I tried it. Mine came up with a Ford Model T!

Did some more Facebooking and blog reading got yesterdays Diary finished and posted off the Inchcock blog.

Closed down the laptop and went up to prettify myself. Not a good session, the ‘Inch’ started bleeding again, I cut missen shaving and banged me head on the sink when I bent down to pick up the razor I’d dropped because me finger were stiffening on their own again. It’s a life innit? Tsk!

I got the things ready to take to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop, made sure I’d got me glasses, hearing aids in, mobile phone with me and bus-pass, and set off on me walk into Sherwood.

About half way there, I thought the sky was looking beautiful, dark but beautiful and decided to take a photo of it and got the camera box out of me bag – me Empty camera box out of me bag! Double Tsk!

Ah well… I plodded on and handed in me donations at the Hospice shop then crossed the road to catch an Arnold bus to get some ready meals from Asda.

I got on the bus, and fell asleep, waking up to find the driver informing me “This is as far as we go mate!”

I red facedly got off the bus and wondered where the hell I was!

I walked through the estate hopefully in the right direction and came to a T-junction – left or right I had to decide – why is there never anyone around when you want to ask directions?

The road was almost at the top of the crest of a hill, and I knew Front Street was low in comparison with the surrounding area, so I went left and walked down the hill. Good job it was all downhill too!

After about half a mile or so I recognised the area I was walking into and knew if I kept straight on for a couple of miles I’d come into Arnold Front Street.

Not having been down that road for years, it brought back some memories to me to muse on as I hobbled along. I enjoyed the walk actually.

By the time I got to Asda, me feet were really stinging summat rotten, but the arthritis was amazingly not too bad at all?

I called in Asda and had a poddle round getting a Cumberland pie a Sweet potato and carrot Shepherds pie and a thick-sliced wheatmeal loaf on special offer.

I caught a bus back to Carrington – trying to make sure I didn’t fall asleep again and rang the bell to get off at Church Drive but the driver couldn’t have heard it… or I didn’t press it right? So I pressed it again and he did let me off at the next stop bless him.

I fed the birds en route and got into the dump and put the nosh away (Seeing the Daktacort cream lying there silently mocking me made me cringe a bit Hehe) and I made a cup of char.

Started the laptop to do this rubbish for the blog.

I searched the web to try and find a route map for the 57 bus so I could doctor it and made a graphic of where I had to walk due to me nodding off on the bus again.

05f04

I’m struggling with me fingers today, hard to type with accuracy.

I think tonight I’ll have curried beans and sausages with loads of bread – followed by an iced lolly or two! I bet Cameron isn’t gonna eat any better?

I bet nihilist Cameron isn’t gonna eat any better?

It was horrible! (The food… well the food and Nepotist Cameron really Hehe)

I took me medications and tended to my ‘Inch’ – less blood tonight.

Noticed bruises all down both my shins?

I took me medications and tended to my ‘Inch’ – less blood tonight.

Noticed bruises all down both my shins?

I took me medications and tended to my ‘Inch’ – less blood tonight.

Noticed bruises all down both my shins?

0701

 

Saturday 18th October

Up at 0400hrs, awaking with a start again?

WC.

Cold this morning.

Got down and started laptop, kettle on and got the Daktacort cream out of the fridge and gingerly treated ‘Tender Inch’ – who I think was not so tender as he has been! But then again, this morning I didn’t wake up with the usually excited ‘Inch’. Very little blood at the moment… good eh?

I spent many hours on the Internet: Facebooking, League of Mental Mening, Troll Free Zoning and emailing. And jolly well enjoyed it too.

Also got some graphics done for later and few posted – and Coreldraw9 (up until now anyway) has only crashed once! Brilliant.

Going to have Cottage pie and sausages with bread dipped in for tonight’s nosh. Followed my further nibbles no doubt and Iced lollies? I’ll stop the weight dropping off somehow.

Big John phoned earlier, he can’t get to the Second World War exhibition at the Papplewick Pumping Station today, but might be going tomorrow and will pick me up on the way if he does go. Nice of him I thought, decent chap. I must remember to get me camera ready if we do go. I still find myself wanting to check that I’ve got enough film yer know – sad, but age permits a little eccentricity surely?

I want to get to the Alley shop in Nottingham city centre this week coming to take some photo’s and maybe try the nosh there.

Sandra from Troll Free Zone advised me to clear my cookies to try and cure the slowness of me laptop. Took me ages to fins put how to do it, but I got there in the end.

Of course I could not get into Facebook, WordPress, Google blog or owt else without signing in again… a few hours spent there trying to remember/find me passwords etc. Tsk! Wait till I try to get on the other sites… oh dear!

Bit of a set-back in the ‘Inch’ healing stakes, rather a lot of bleeding when I doctored the little mite tonight. But not so painful though.

05fHead

Sunday 19th October 2014

0702

Bad night, kept waking up in semi-panics but have no idea why? Did this about four times I think. Weird and uncomfortable that?

Got up WC’d and came down thinking it was about 0200hrs and realised it was already time for me morning medications 0455hrs!

Maybe it was because I was excited about going out to Papplewick Pumping station exhibition with Big John later? He said he will pick me up around 1200hrs. Must get me things ready soon so I don’t forget later.

Made cuppa and took me medications then set about treating tiddly ‘Inch’. Only a little blood this morning, but the stinging was enough to make me cringe a tad.

Laptop started relatively quickly this morning – but when I tried to open word it took a long time to open and then with a post on it I did months ago? Then Chrome took even longer to open.

0703The angina is not so bad today at the moment, but I have developed stomach aches of a rather intense nature: I hope this does not stop me going on me trip out?

Big John came at 1310hrs to pick me up, then we collected Big David from is flat and we set off to Papplewick.

 

Apart from the wind and drizzle I had a good time wandering taking piccies and chatting to people.

Towards the end I was getting weary aching and tired. But so glad I went.

When BJ dropped me off, I was only capable of taking me medications and getting my head down. I forgot to treat my ‘Inch’ with the cream!

Inchcock’s Status:

Tired weary but content….ish.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Satire, The League Of Mental Men

Wave Of Apathy Sweeps Nation As Satirical Mag Announces Halloween Edition

soz halloween edition FP

I bet you can’t wait can you? *cocks pistol*
 

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

There was practically no reaction at all on Tuesday of this week as Soz Satire, a satirical magazine famed for it’s anonymity and risibly poor content, announced the forthcoming launch of their Halloween edition.

Editor-in-chief, Clivey Dee, 21, told an empty press conference in York Hall Bethnal Green.

“The lack of reaction has been absolutely astonishing. We haven’t been as studiously ignored as this since we launched the Bumper Xmas Edition in 2012! In fact I’d go as far as to say that the sheer apathy, combined with a kind of hurtful refusal to even acknowledge our existence, has taken our breath away.

“To be honest we can’t wait to get cracking on the November Guy Fawkes issue. The prospect of miserably  looking at the turgid viewing stats each day, and the crestfallen looks on the faces of the writers when they realise no bugger wants to read their dismal output somehow makes it all worthwhile”

The magazine the critics have dubbed “The Kim Jong-un of humorous publications” due to it’s worldwide unpopularity, did receive one or two grudging testimonials after going to press however:

“Hot damn! Are you serious? This is awesome news! I’ve been giving those limey sonsofbitches a wide berth for years!”The Onion

“Fuck’s sake! This is absolutely fucking diabolical! Ignored by millions you say? Those poor cunts!”The Salvation Army War Cry

“Tragic news which has saddened us all at these offices. I always found their work wonderfully uplifting, flashing and winking like a prism and yet redolent with the acrid stench of decay and death”The Beano

“EYE CANT REED BUT EYE’M SORREE EVREEBODY FINKS THEY ARE SHIT”The Times Higher Educational Supplement

“Christ my bloody joints are killing me!”The Rheumatism And Arthritis News

“A shocking blow to the world of quality satire. My thoughts are with their families at this difficult time. I wonder what colour panties they were all wearing when they were given a wide berth on the internet” Women And Animals

“Can ye no see ahm too drunk tae comment ye barmpot! Noo get tae fuck oot o’ here ya fuggin’ bashtas yersh!”The Scotsman

“I have never seen eet. But for zem eet must be veree deeficult to take”The Arsene Wenger Bugle incorporating Popular Optician.

So if you’d like to see for yourself what none of the fuss is about, click this link shortly before bedtime to guarantee yourself an absolutely first class night’s kip.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Warning: This magazine may contain traces of humour but I wouldn’t bank on it if I were you.

Clivey

18 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Soz Satire Magazine

Wet Time Stories

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

I wet my bed last night. That almost never happens. I told my wife she did it and she believed me.

But after breakfast I went to see my doctor. My doctor is a nice woman, very smart. But I’m smarter, because I told her a friend of mine had wet his bed, so she wouldn’t think it was me.

“Does your friend wet his bed more often?” my doctor asked me.
“A few times every year,” I said.
“Does your friend have any psychological issues?” my doctor said.
“I don’t think so. Dennis Rodman is always very nice.”
“Does Dennis Rodman have a lot of stress in his life?”
“I don’t think so. Everybody loves Dennis Rodman. He is the supreme basketball player.”
Then my doctor paused for a few seconds. She was thinking.
“Do the people of North Korea like Dennis Rodman?” she asked then.
“I think only the people of North Korea like Dennis Rodman,” I said. “Sometimes other people make fun of him, but I know he’s only doing his best. But when you’re as awesome as Dennis Rodman, people start making fun of you because they’re jealous.”
“Do you think Dennis Rodman may be scared sometimes?” my doctor asked. I thought that was a very good question, so I thought about it for a while. Then I said: “I think Dennis Rodman is probably very scared. That’s why he’s friends with me. We help each other out.”

In the end my doctor told me that when somebody is so very awesome, it’s scary, because you have a lot of responsibility. People look up to you. Everything you do is observed and judged and if you do something wrong, the punishment is very severe. My doctor said only people in North Korea could ever understand what that must be like.

She is a smart woman. I like her. I think more women should become doctors. My doctor isn’t mean like House.

My doctor said Dennis Rodman should take some valium to ease his mind.
“You can give me valium and then I’ll give it to him,” I said because I wanted it for myself.
“Don’t they have valium in the United States?” my doctor asked. I did not expect that.
So I said: “No.”

My doctor totally believed me. Of course now she can never leave North Korea, but that’s okay, because I like her.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy.

P.S.
Why don’t Pringles come in a bag? Once I eat half my hand doesn’t fit in anymore. And then I have to tilt my Pringles until they fall out, but I always spill some, especially toward the end when it’s mostly just crumbs. I do like how you can seal Pringles after you opened them, but I never use that option.

 

This harrowing portrait of one of the world’s greatest leaders comes from Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation infamy.

2 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, The League Of Mental Men