Children Of The Night Lodge Complaint Against “Too Scary” Satirical Magazine

werewolf

A visibly upset Child Of The Night pictured complaining bitterly to the Press Complaints Commission last night

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire Now with brand new, deeply upsetting skits!

 

A number of spectral Transylvanian wolves have complained to the publishers of a wildly successful, online satirical mag, stating that they found the content “frighteningly poor” and that it was unsuitable for slavering brutes from Hell of all ages.

The London-based magazine, Soz Satire, published it’s Halloween issue last Friday, and late last night, added a number of absolutely appalling skits which have lead to howls of protest from the so-called Children Of The Night:

“Terrifyingly bad! I haven’t seen that much blood since the last time Inchcock got his nob out!” – Bonzo

“Some of the jokes from Clivey Dee were so horrifyingly crap I literally shit my fur” – Fido

“I’ve not seen such frighteningly incorrect and overly-judicious usage of the ellipsis since Mike Steeden left a note out for the milkman! I mean to say WTF!” – Lucky

“Ratty’s skit made all my fangs fall out and it’s not even been published yet! – Butch

“Mic Norbury? Is that man EVER sober fer chrissakes? The mere thought of the state of his liver made me feel quite peckish” – Bowser

“The graphics by The Artful Dodger were so atrocious I had a miscarriage on the spot” – Spike.

“The inane quality of Gary Hoadley’s so-called humour made me prowl the streets of Fulham looking for unsuspecting prey” – Fifi

“Lenny van Ree’s contribution was so desperately abject I chewed one of my own feet off with terror –  Rex.

To nod in agreement with the above Hell Hounds, why not visit this site and see for yourselves my friends:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

WARNING! Some of the gags in this latest issue are so bone-chillingly poor that we advise you to take some of Inchy’s nerve pills and have a really good shit before entering.

Clivey

soz october

 

 

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UNDER MY UMBRELLA

kim.jong.un_portrait - Copy Another diary entry by Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea.

 

Dear diary,

I accidentally killed a scientist today.

A while ago I saw James Bond. In the movie I saw an umbrella that could detach claws and then fold itself up, killing the umbrella holder.

This is so cool!

So I asked my scientists to make me an umbrella like that. General Un Den-Sum keeps saying I am so funny, so I wanted to give this umbrella to his wife as a joke to prove how funny I am.

I’m quite the funny guy. It’s what I’m known for in North Korea.

Today my lead scientist called and said my umbrella was ready. So later a couple of scientists came to my house to give it to me. It was lying unfolded on the floor and I threw some water over it to see if it would work. It didn’t because nothing happened. So one of the scientists started trying to fix it and that’s when it worked.

Right that moment general Un Den-Sum and his wife Un Dem-Sum Mo came in, just in time to see my scientist drop dead.

I had invited the general and his wife to give them the umbrella as a gift, but now they already saw what kind of umbrella it was. I was mad and screamed at the scientists they had given away the joke.

In the end it was okay, though. General Un Den-Sum said it was still the funniest joke he had ever heard of. So even though the joke wasn’t a total success, I still killed. In fact, I was so happy I invited the general and his wife over for dinner, but Un Dem-Sum Mo said all the laughter had made her lightheaded and she was afraid she would faint in front of her Supreme Leader, so she wanted to go home.
But I insisted, so we had dinner together.

General Un Den-Sum even gave me a list of other generals that think I’m very funny too! That’s good, cause I saw James Bond also uses explosive toothpaste. I want that.

Your one and unly,

Kimmy

P.S.
I asked those food aid people if they could send me Twinkies instead of rice which I might as well give to poor North Koreans. They said that wasn’t funny. I said I wasn’t trying to be funny. They said that wasn’t funny either. People outside North Korea don’t seem to really get me.

 

This poorly executed character assassination comes courtesy of Lennard van Ree of Satire Nation.

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SITUATIONS VACANT: Cartoonist Wanted

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An out-of-date issue of a satirical magazine pictured being largely ignored last night

 

A well-appointed, London-based, satirical magazine is actively seeking somebody who’s quite good at drawing to illustrate a cartoon strip I’ve conceived, which features an alcoholic superhero as its main protagonist.

The successful applicant will be given a crippling deadline to produce 5 frames of half-decent cartoonery for absolutely no pecuniary reward whatsoever. However, in an almost unbelievable act of largesse, I’m offering an all- expenses-paid look at a picture I accidentally took of my foot using my phone when I was pissed last Friday night.

Bone-idle art students with fuck all to do all day other than to watch The Jeremy Kyle show and/or to masturbate periodically into a sock, will be fast-tracked to the top of the shortlist.

So if you know one end of a crayon from the other, are soundish in wind and limb, and have no convictions for gross indecency in the last 25 years (yes I know I’m excluding a huge percentage of you with this proviso) either fill in the box below with an irritating, time-consuming comment, in time-honoured fashion, or drop me an email, with an example of your crude daubings to:

sozsatire@gmail.com.

If we can get this squared away in the next few weeks I can guarantee that your work will be showcased in the November issue of the mag; where it will be laughed and pointed at by millions in pretty much the same way as the rest of the content.

All the best and I look forward to hearing from you soon…probably.

Clivey Dee. Managing Editor and all round demanding fuck.

PS. Apologies to Lenny for encroaching on “his day” to post on this blog, but I’m desperate and you’re probably too bladdered on cheap Curucaoan shoe-reconditioner to notice anyway. Love you mate!

 

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WINSTON CHURCHILL’S SHOELACES OF DESTINY!

winston churchill

“Do you remember Clem my darling?”

“What are you rambling on about Winnie? Do I remember what?”

“Back in the War Clem, back in that accursed War…I’ve been thinking about those days a lot recently and the more I ponder the point the more I have come to believe that were it not for my shoelaces the Hun may well have prevailed.”

“How so Winnie?”

“Well how about this for starters.   That night…the night of the very first air raid over London. We were staying in whatever hotel we had lodged at. As I was putting my shoes on to go to the dining room I said, ‘Where the fuck are my shoelaces?’ for they were not in my shoes and you replied, ‘Oh Winnie you silly billy don’t you remember you flossed your teeth with them a little earlier. I think you’ll find them in the bathroom.’ Of course I hadn’t a blind clue…quite forgotten….where said bathroom was so you took me there.”

“Yes I do recall that…how could I forget for the very moment we set off for the bathroom a Nazi bomb fell through the roof straight into our bedroom. We could easily have died that night you know.”

“That’s my very point Clem dear.   You see these shoelace incidents happened many, many times. For example during The Blitz, the 10th May 1941 was a day I’ll never forget. Just as I was about to make my way to the Commons for some tedious debate your knicker elastic snapped leaving you with nothing to hold your drawers up with…and I might add this happened at a time of The Great Knicker Elastic Rationing such was the shortage back then…and thus it was that you requested a loan of my shoelaces as a short term remedy for the old knackered elastic. As a result I was delayed somewhat and arrived in town later than I had anticipated. By then of course the Commons had been bombed. Your under garments saved my life that day Clem.”

“Oh I well remember it now Winnie…my God you were in an evil mood what with you being behind schedule and all that.”

“Here’s another one. We were at Chartwell and during the morning I had knocked out a swift oil painting of fuck knows what…can’t recollect…any way that’s not important. You were so enamoured with the picture you went and framed it yet had no twine with which to hang it in the hallway. So you nicked my shoelaces and used that…bloody cheek in hindsight. Yet the thing is my car was waiting out front to whisk me away to the Palace to update the King on this and that…yet obviously I could not leave wearing only my slippers so I had to get another pair of shoes. That delay of….what…just 10 minutes…as you were showing me once again where the bed chamber was safeguarded my very being for that was the day the bloody Luftwaffe bombs fell upon Buckingham Palace. Who knows had I arrived on time my number would have been up.”

“Yes Winnie…there but for a shoelace.   You’ve got me thinking now darling…that cat…you know.”

“Cat, cat…what cat?”

“The one you strangled with your shoelace…it was keeping you awake when we stayed in a Dover hotel pre some meeting you were due to have with the Yanks.”

“Oh that cat…the bastard. Oh yes I remember it well. It was in the street outside my window wailing and howling away like a good’un leaving me no choice but to despatch the thing. Couldn’t have a feline disrupting the war effort could we now!”

“Well Winnie as I accompanied you to the foyer and beyond into the street…you’d quite forgotten where the front door was…a Doodlebug completely destroyed the hotel killing all within yet you…you Winnie came out unscathed.”

“Thanks again to my shoelaces….they’re charmed I believe….without my shoelaces the great nation of ours would have been fighting a lost cause.”

“Good thing I didn’t buy you those slip-on shoes back in ’38 – we’d have lost the war if I had.”

“How very true Clem…would you mind getting Svetlana to fetch me my port and a Romeo y Julieta smoke.”

 

 

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An Appeal On Behalf Of The Gary Hoadley Caribbean Food Trust

Gaz the rasta

Rankin’ Papa Gee ‘im say: “Lawd Jesus me yoot! Send dat Clivey Bwoy all your bloodclaaat money and ting so dat me yardie bredrin nah mash up me pussyclaaat wid da machetes. Blessed love! 

 

Mr Gary Hoadley is unable to fulfil his obligation to submit copy to this blog today, despite Tuesday being “his day” to do so.

This is due to the fact that he’s being held prisoner in a West Indian cafe close to his Fulham home by a number of murderous Jamaican yardie cut-throats who are threatening to “mash ‘im up to raass” unless he pays his bill.

To help him to achieve this, and to avoid him being butchered and thrown in the curry goat, dutch pot, please send every penny you have to the address below:

The Gary Hoadley Caribbean Food Trust

C/O Clivey Dee

The Boyleyn Arms

Green Street

East London.

In the meantime, while you’re waiting for your house to be sold, why not visit this magazine to see what “Rankin’ Papa Gee” and others of a similar vile ilk, have been writing about recently. A blockbusting new issue will be published this Friday by all accounts. A geezer down the pub told me that. Easy now me bredrin. Roots!…etc.

Blessed love me yoot

Clivey

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

soz inciting riots

 

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Friendly Aliens Land on Earth – to save those ‘at-risk’ of our species (Updated)

ALhead

AL03

Editor Clivey-boy interviews some of the Aliens

It can now be revealed – that Aliens have indeed landed on earth on the 7th June 2014, at the SOZ Incorporated International Maniacal Magnates Mecography Mansion. the main headquarters Editors office UK.

Located in Hackney, Editor Clivey-boy did wonder how they new he would not be at SOZ’s other premises at Islington that were being raided by the fraud squad at the time. They searched for useful intel and insightful clues but only found three illegal immigrants who’d come from the Lib-Dem party.

sozshop

SOZ’s main HQ in Hackney

The aliens, tiny but friendly in nature, declared their intention of saving earth species at risk of extermination. Although too late to save the Dodo and others species long gone from earth, they first met and informed the East London Litter Picker, Mike Steedenski 22, who they met in the municipal latrines of the Crankmore Cemetery, of the intended species they wanted to save for posterity when the humankind kills itself off in 2017, and keep them in a museum on their planet. As an example to their own species of how to self destruct without trying.

Mikelitter

Mr Steedenski – Aliens first contact

* The 3 Honest Politicians left on earth. (Now two actually as one of them joined the others since the list was compiled and fiddled her expenses)

* The Lib-Dem Party of the UK, and its 14 supporters. (Although they were a tad concerned that they may infect their own species with the madness rampant within the Cleggite supporters, so decided to take and preserve them in suspended animation, which of course is their usual state.)

* The honest lawyer who lives in Outer Mongolia.

* Both of the honest car mechanics in the UK. (Especially the one in East London who actually checked all the required features of the MOT and did not ‘invent’ any faults and was sent to Coventry by his colleagues)

AL01

SOZ’s second bouncer’s third cousin and Gas Lamp Wick cleaner Inchy – Nothing to do with the story but he sulks if he’s left out yer know

* All of the five police officers who actually go on patrol in East London. (But with cuddly Cameron’s further cuts this is now down to three)

* All three of the English footballers who can pass a ball. (But especially the one who can pass a ball accurately.)

* The dentist who did not enjoy in 1975, causing pain to a patient.

* The plumber who did not overcharge a pensioner in October 2011.

* Both Roofers who actually repaired a roof.

They showed their regret at being too late to save any Honest Estate Agents, Taxi drivers, or Security Guards, as all were now extinct on earth.

Mr Sttedenski passed on the message to the London Constabulary, who promptly arrested him and sent him to the Happy House Asylum.

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Inchy’s Medical for the British Railway Job, and its findings (Updated)

BR head

Part of Inchy’s: A Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe series

BR 01I’d applied for a job as a British Railways Goods Van Guard, and somehow got through the initial interview, possibly with my Dad’s guidance as he worked for them as a good delivery driver and had done for donkey’s years starting as a horse and dray goods delivery driver. He later moving to the articulated goods delivery Lorries.

But I always wanted to be a Goods Train Guard and nothing else really.

So excited I was sent to Derby Train Station to have my medical carried out there.

I arrived at the Station, locked my push-bike to a lamppost, found the Medical office easily enough, entered, showed them my appointment letter, and sat waiting to be called in to see the Doctor for my examination.

As I waited nervously, but with no fear that I would fail the examination at all, I glanced around seeing the notice on the wall telling us which Doctors were on duty that day…. they were Dr William Stroker, and Doctor Robin Banks.

I amused myself with thinking, that means I might get a Willie Stroker, or a bank robber doing my tests!

I hoped for the crook as a preference.

BR 03When the examination was about half way through the two hours they said it would take, I was placed in a darkened little room, with a stool, and a desk with a monitor and two push buttons on it. I was told that they would close the curtain, and each time a double beep emitted, I was to press the left button, and when a red light appeared on the screen, I was to press the right button!

It seemed simple enough to me.

He closed the curtains, and I sat in the darkness waiting for the red light to show up, or the double beep to sound… and waited… and waited… I jumped BR 04as the curtain swished open, and a perplexed looking doctor said; “Shall we try that again?”

I’d had no idea up until then that I needed spectacles, was colour blind, and required two hearing aids, or that I had a hernia!

I failed the medical for the job, and got a puncture on the way home.

I was shattered.

I often wonder how life might have been different if I’d got that job…

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Inchy: Stanley Matthews, or Jonah? (Updated)

NCS01

Where Inchy was working at the time

It was on a very heavy muddy wet playing field come pitch, come quagmire on Melbourne Road Park in Nottingham that I made my first (and only) appearance in the Nottingham Thursday Football League, for the Nottingham Co-op Society Butchery Team.

It was not a planned appearance – although I had paid my 3/6d (17½p) annual subscriptions to the Nottingham Co-op Butchers Thursday League Team (in those days most food shops used to close half-day on a Thursday) I never really expected to get chosen for the team, and used to go around with my kit in a carrier bag, just in case of emergencies or injuries to any of the other lads. I used to come in handy for making the half time brew, bucket and sponge stand-in, first aider, and general toss-pot/spare prick.

That was until a Thursday, in 1963, after about two years of following them, in the hope of ever getting a game like a lamb. (By then I’d given up even taking my kit with me).

NCS02

Reminiscent of the pitch then

When to my astonishment, I was asked to play in a cup match against ‘Wigfall’s First Eleven’. (Wigfall’s Rentals was the forerunner to Curry’s for those who cannot remember) The reason for this request was partly that the horrible weather had deterred many of the regular lads from turning up, and my exceptional footballing skills coming to their attention. (Okay I lied about my exceptional footballing skills coming to their attention!)

I recall going around scrounging bits of tackle from all the lads – and what a sight I must have looked!

NCS04

Apart from the newness, colour, these having laces and not being split and rock hard: these are like the one’s Inchy had to wear that fateful day

The shin pads must have been made for Godzilla, the black shorts dangled below my knees, it took me five minutes to roll up the sleeves of the black & white striped shirt to my fingertips, and the best they could do to get me a pair of size 8 boots, was a size 10 pair – and they were split down the side, the studs came through to the soles of my feet, they hadn’t been worn for so long, the leather didn’t bend anywhere! We found some old rope to use as boot laces.

And there I was, feeling proud and chuffed, but looking stupid, ready for my surprise début in Nottingham’s Thursday League!

Was the world ready for this I thought!

Into the fray!

NCS05

A remarkable likeness to the one Inchy got surprisingly injured by

The bad luck started as I ran out of the locker-room (I say locker room! it was the groundsman’s old tool shed really) I tripped over the step, causing the nails in the studs to dig into me foot – but that pain soon disappeared when I landed face down (I still had to carry the bucket of water and sponge to the touch line you see, they insisted) banging me head on the rusty bucket, then as I was just getting over the embarrassment of my and the opposition’s team’s inane laughter at me, I became aware through the onset of pain in me left leg, that a mongrel dog was chewing on it!

Back to the changing room (tool shed) to clean myself up a bit, stop the bleeding, and put some cardboard between my feet and the rigid leather stud-nails intruding crippling oversized boots!

Being the little warrior that I was, I soon returned to commence my chance to impress on the field!

This plan somewhat fell down a few minutes after the referee allowed me onto the quagmire of a field – I was to play at left back, and seconds after taking to the field, trudging through the mud, I managed to lose a boot!

This did not stop my tackling this 16 stone, shire horse-like hurricane of a Wigfall’s forward who was belting towards goal, with the football looking like a marble at his feet, (God knows how he actually managed to run in that quagmire) from facing one of my best ever crunching tackles.

BR 02Not that I remember much about it, until the St Johns ambulance man bought me back to consciousness, and bandaged me broken ankle, and stopped me split eye from bleeding, in readiness to take me the hospital.

Apparently, they tell me, the wondrous Wigfall’s giant centre-forward had just put out his hands out knocking me over into the mud, trampled over me and scored a goal!

The ref didn’t even acknowledge any foul, blew and pointed to the centre circle to restart the match. (He probably thought better of upsetting the man-mountain forward… wise ref that!)

I was never asked to play for them again – the team lost four – nil.

But I was allowed back to carry on (When I got out of hospital) as bucket and sponge man.

I think their writing Jonah on the petrol tank of me motorbike was naughty.

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Records that Inchy claims (Updated)

IR01Record 1: His unwelcomed Birth

Inchcock was probably the first just under 3lb baby to have his mother tell the mid-wife to “Throw it in the Trent!”

Record 2: Absconding

He ran away from home at six years of age – gone for six hours, got scared and returned to a good belting. Not for running away that was encouraged, but for getting caught and the police bringing him back and waking up all the neighbours.

Not that the belting upset him, it was the fact that no one had missed him that hurt.

IR02Record 3: Being forgotten by his Mother

He’s been told of, and some he can remember. The wash-house, the Bingo stalls, the Cinema, the Chip shop, and the relatives houses are just some of the places she left him to return later to collect him, or usuallt someone would take him back home.

The one he remembers with clarity was a day trip to Mablethorpe and she left him in an arcade and caught the train home. Give her credit though, she did remember when the train got into Lincoln and she informed the police. Who sent a PC to collect him and scare him to death giving him a lift in a black maria to Lincoln to be rejoined with his mother who wanted to know immediately if he’s won anything on the machines.

IR01

Inchy’s standard 60 seconds into the bout position adopted in every fight

Record 4: Boxing

Young Inchcock believes he still holds the record for any boxer at the Meadows Old Boys Club – he lost every bout and never got beyond the second round.

Record 5: Football

He definitely holds the record as their goalkeeper, albeit as stand in when they played Corpus Christie School in a cup match. He still insists that the third of the thirteen goals they scored was not his fault.

IR05Record 6: Go-Karting

He was the first person to tip over a Go-Kart at the new amenity in Skegness.

Despite the owner telling him that they only did 15 mph and should have been impossible and no one has ever tipped one over… our Inchy did when someone in another Kart ran into him.

Record 7: Falling asleep

Perhaps one of his best records and least challenged by others was his trip to Mansfield for a job interview by bus.

He fell asleep and woke up at Chesterfield, where he had to pay the extra fare of course.

He got soaked in the rain waiting for a bus back to Mansfield.

He then fell asleep on that one and got off at Sutton in Ashfield.

Again he got soaked waiting for a bus to Mansfield.

When he arrived at the interview they told him he’s got the wrong day it should have been the day before!

Record 8: Shot

He was the only Security Guard in 1988 to get shot by an intruder.

IR03Record 9: The haemorrhoid puzzle

When he went into hospital to have his hernia tended to, they found he had bladder cancer, haemorrhoids and a prostate growth.

He still wonders how they found the haemorrhoids problem?

Record 10: New ticker valve

When he went in to have his new mechanical ticker valve done, they told him he’s be in for three to four nights.

After two nights they told him the bed was needed for an emergency and sent him home. He had to ring his sister and brother in law to give him a lift. Agony!

There are probably many more records that he holds, but he only got as far as this when he had to run to the WC and fell up the stairs.

The paramedic is with him now.

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Inchcock’s Weekly Diary – No.7

Monday 20th October 2014

01 Head

01 01

Up wide awake at 0240hrs.

WC.

Decided to get up anyway because I wanted to get me LOMM posts done before I go out on me medicalisationing visits.

Laptop and me still sluggish.

Cuppa and took medications too early really but still I took em.

Did a lot of graphic work and did some posts, despite my shaky fingers this morning.

Good job I did gerrup really early, cause it took me five hours to gerrum done!

I think I remembered to take me medications?

Brother-in-law Pete rang up, said he was sorry he’d not called for ages but had been busy and kept forgetting to.

Well, I can apprehend, sympathise and identify with that, no problem I told him.

Sad innit?

01 02Got myself prettied up and tidy, put the cream on me ‘Inch’, only a tiny spot of blood and I think the redness and swelling is going down too – good stuff. (Many a word eh?)

Set off, deciding not to walk to town due to the wind and rain, to the bus stop – got about 300 yards and realised I’d forgotten me Anticoagulant therapy record card, so went back and collected it – just as well really, I’d forgotten to shut down the laptop. Silver lining? Tsk!

01 03Got into town, the rain has lessened a bit, and caught bus out to the Queens Medical Centre, hobbled up the for flights of stairs as it appeared only one of the lifts were working and the queues for it were enormous!

In and out of the clinic within 15 minutes and back down to the ground floor haematology dept. Hell of a crowd waiting. My own fault for not going earlier really.

Took a ticket and got a free Metro newspaper, filled in me record form in advance and read the 01 04paper for the hour or so until my number was called.

Only two nurses working and they looked displeased bless them. Got done and gave em some nibbles that cheered em up a tad.

Out into the rain and wind once more to catch a bus back into the City.

I called Tesco in Victoria Centre and got some cheesey seaweed, a loaf, and some iced lollies. Well why not.

01 05Came out and walked through Trinity Square’s new Food Plaza – couldn’t see anyone inside any of the expensive fooderies at all. Even the pigeons and the Big Issue seller were missing. I wondered if David Cameron knew about this? (Hehe)

Poodled down to the bus stop and caught the bus back to Carrington dropped off as the rain was easing again.

Got in the hovel and WC, then put the kettle on.

01 06I didn’t know if I should mention this, but decided to: As I went upstairs I felt a tiny ‘Plup’ as a minuscule amount of air was released from my rear end – Cor Blimey! It seemed the fowl aroma filled the entire house! Never had that before, and don’t want it again. Erugh! Nearly gassed missen!

WC.

Updated this tripe.

The sudden weariness came over me again, so I thought get some nosh and off to kip Young Inchy. (Young Inchy I ask you Young Inchy hehehe!)

Tuesday 21st October 2014

02 01

Weather-wise and Medically!

02 04Last night I had a supper of great proportions – the night was sprinkled with wind of great proportions!

WC.

I sprang awake again, but this time at 0130hrs and laid there until 0430hrs trying to nod off again, listening to the howling winds outside and those from within too.

 I raised myself up and poddled down to put the kettle on, take my medications with a cuppa, WC and tended to the ’Inch’… with no bleeding at all! Nice that, and not so tender either! Things are looking up in that department then.

WC.

Laptop on to start this diary and listening still to the wind outside and inside.

I’d done a post for Inchcock blog – not a good one, indeed probably one of me worst. But I 02 02persevered and did some graphics to go with it and posted it, the then did a bit of Facebooking.

Of upstairs an got the laundry togs ready in bag and went off to the launderette in the wind and drizzle. (There’s stopping me yer know…)

Mandy on duty, Big John already there doing three machines worth of cleaning.

After I’d got the drier going, I nipped up to the GP surgery and asked to book an appointment with the GP.

The receptionist said if I waited she’d (the GP) got a free space in a while.

When I got on to see her about me ribs sticking out and me losing weight, she weighed me and told me I was the same weight as last time they weighed me. I did feel a fool!

02 05Back to the launderette and had a natter with BJ and Mandy… well more BJ and Mandy with me listening in really.

Hobbled back to the dump-site and got the things for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop and set off on a walk into Sherwood with them: I got about quarter of the way there and the heavens opened and the rain lashed down in the high winds and I was soaked within seconds. Tsk!

Turned round back to the flea-pit and took all me togs off and changed into dry ones.

02 03Started the laptop made a cuppa did this update.

I peeped out if the door to take photo of the horrendous rain – realising afterwards that I didn’t have the memory card in the phone!

So I took a photo of when the rain had stopped.

Notice no signs of yobs about – I like that!

Waited an hour and the sun has come out now. I’ll risk trying to go to the Nottingham Hospice shop aga… what am I thinking. I’ll stay in.

Did a bit more graphicalisationing to use later.

Feeling guilty now and it’s brightened up a bit so I’ll attempt to go to the Hospice shop again.

WC.

02 06Took a walk into Sherwood to the Hospice Shop with me donations.

I hobbled through a different route to Mansfield Road, taking a picture of an old Bedford CA van (I think it was the CA model) parked in its usual spot. It looked handsome to me with the leaves scattered all around it, very picturesque I thought.

02 07Traffic in Sherwood was bit heavy. Not that it bothers me so much nowadays since they took away my driving licence. Mind you, the number of times I fall asleep in the most unexpected times and places, I can’t blame em, safety first eh? The OAP bus-pass is most welcomed used and appreciated by me!

On the walk back the wind was blowing leaves and detritus all over the place and I began to regret going 02 08out after all when I got something in me eye that I can still feel now.

I noticed that the boozing mobility scooter drivers at the pub was down to one instead of three today… the weather must be bad to keep those dangerous alcoholics away from the pub.

When I got back to the bomb-site I noticed there were no birds about, another indication of the rotten weather? There were none of the many cats around either.

Well tired hen i got in, WC made me nosh and off to kip.

Wednesday 22nd October 2014

03 Head

Warning: Descriptive revelations of medical problems and applications follow in the diary. Thank you.

Sprang awake at about 0240hrs – this time I realised why from the pain from rear-end haemorrhoids – I think I blew myself awake with a violent emission of wind from me anus and the pain woke me up?

I was down drinking a cuppa and on the laptop by 0250hrs. Then AVG decided it had to update – at 0400hrs it had finished updating!

Still, it gave me time to concentrate on me ‘Inch’ medicationalising. Hehe! Only the tinniest amount of blood this morning and the swelling has gone down – a pity in some ways I suppose I enjoyed that bit of extra girth while it lasted even if it was so painful.

WC.

0430hrs: Got yesterdays diary finished and posted, took me morning medications, passed wind (I haven’t stopped since I got up – but this was a serious contender for being classifiedas volcanic!) painfully and felt the warm wet sensation within seconds form me rear end. Went up and cleaned myself, applied extra cream.

The doctor did try me on the capsule thingies a while back, but I just could not get em to stay in, so I manage with the PKs and cream.

Blooming cold today.

Waiting in for me food delivery then going to go to town and see if I can get Blood Red Snow from the library or book shop if necessary. I’ll take me camera just in case owt interesting occurs. Mind you, they are pulling down the old BBC building over the next three days, the Vic Centre bus station is closed, might get a photo of that if I can get to see it when I hobble passed. Bet that causing a few frayed tempers and mucho congestion.

Morrison’s van driver just rang – he’s going to be late. Trees blown down on the A453 and an accident. Ah well, not his fault but annoying. I hope I can still get into town cause I need me little walks to encourage the ticket to keep going a bit longer and I really would like to find and read that book.

Hey-ho.

The Mail man commeth.

Letter from bank about me insurance – Letter from Inland Revenue with a little cheque returned from me tax overpayment and five leaflets for nothing I’m interested in.

0303Set off for a walk into town and took some nibbles for Mandy at the launderette and the staff at the chemists, dropping them off as I passed them. Mandy liked her lollies.

I noticed how the Nottingham In Bloom display was getting better. Hehehe!

Tiny bit of drizzle and the wind had died down a touch.

0304When I got to where they are demolishing the old BBC building I remembered to take a couple of photo’s.

I plodded on through a busy city centre in places and seemingly abandoned in others?

Got to the bank where the queues were horrendous. Being late thanks to Morrison’s (Not their fault really though) meant it was lunch time when I arrived.

0304aA very nice lady told me to take a seat and she would be with me shortly as i was at the end of the queue?

I suppose it was me dynamic masculine looks and young body that made her help me. (Cough cough!)

She banked me tax cheque and told me about the insurance and to come back to see them when it was due again.

I like being been nice to lark I can tell yer!

Then when I mentioned I had a Penny Bank account from 1963 that I could not access, she told she had been trying for her own customers without luck. When I mentioned the thought of appealing to the European Human Rights people – she only went on the interneat and got me the address, then printed out out a complaint form for me to use, then gave me an addressed stamped envelope to use, and then thanked me! Blimey!

Mind you she wasn’t a Nottingham gal, she wus from Manchester and commuted each day to Nottingham as she was relieving someone on holiday! Nice girl too.

0306Cheered up, I poddled through the town centre and went to the library and limped up to the third floor to ask if they had the Blood Red Snow book in. Another very nice lady had a look on her computer and told me they could get it from another branch for only a 45p charge and they would send me an email when it arrived!

By jimminee what a good day I was having.

I wobbled back through the town, traffic busy mind.

As I was walking down to the town, a youth banged into me as he joined his mates. Never said a word he didn’t, I don’t think he knew what he’s done actually.

0305aAnd then as I crossed the slab square just in time to take a photo of it: There was a British Gas van parked with signs ‘Can We Help You’ and some tables and chairs at the side of the van, the chap there hiding in the van cause it was sprinkling with rain. I got there just as the traffic warden was giving him a ticket! Made my day British Gas being got at I assure you!

 

I plodded up to catch a bus, but unfortunately it started to belt down, so I dived into the Waitrose shop – fatal spending-wise that for me! But I only got some Greek style lemon mousse, so it wasn’t too bad.

0305Rain stopped as I left and caught the bus back to the demolition area.

Saw a couple of youths idling along looking at each car they passed suspiciously. Both wearing black hoodies.

Got in and started the laptop and made a cuppa, went to the WC put me bags away and returned to the laptop which still hand not loaded, so I waited.

Tried to download me pictures to Coreldraw9 but it froze. So I closed it and tried to open it again – all sorts of warning messages were coming on screen again when it froze again. Oh dear… I knew this was coming, the end of my graphicalistioning!

I turned off the laptop and tried again – No!

So I turned it off and restarted again and uninstalled all Coreldraw things. And it told me to complete the uninstall I had to restart the laptop – Again! So I did.

Reinstalled Coreldraw9 again – then it told me it needed a computer restart to complete the DAB whatever that is.

So I restarted it once again.

All this must ahve taken two hours.

When I tried, Coreldraw9 stopped working again.

I tried again to run Coreldraw…

I can no longer do any graphics at all.

I am trying not to swear.

Thursday 23rd October 2014

04 Header

04 Head

04 01

0315hrs: The usual being shocked into waking-up experience again this morning – instantly wide awake accompanied by a feeling that something is wrong?

WC.

Thought straight away about what I could try to sort the Coreldraw not working problem out. Nothing new came to mind, depressed I wandered down and put the kettle on. Started the laptop and got the cream form the fridge and ent up to tend to the ‘Inch’. Oh dear… the swelling is still declining but the blood was flowing again! Thank heavens for kitchen towels. Stopped eventually.

Angina playing up and for the first time in ages my ulcer joined in with other complaints! Tsk!

I opened Coreldraw9 in vain hopes, and got the same message, whichever option I clicked, just like yesterday I got the Error message then it told me Coreldraw9 has stopped working. This time I tried clicking abort again – and it started and was usable for a while?

I am now going to close it and try again to see if still works…

“An unexpected Error occurred please restart Coreldraw” message when I tried to close it down?

It closed down on its own accord!

I tried again…

For some reason I can get passed the opening warning sometimes and not others. It will not let me save a page at all?

Double depressed now!

Still fiddling and trying to come up with a solution – for five hours now with no luck!

I decided when the radio said it was not going to rain again until early evening, to get the stuff ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop and have a walk into Sherwood with it for em.

I went up cleansed myself well. Had a peep at the Inch to see if it had started to bleed again but no signs thankfully.

WC.

I set off hoping I’d not forgotten anything.

A new sign at the Chapel I espied:

Well fancy that… and I thought they were into Formula One racing. Hehehe.

Still feeling low I carried on into Sherwood, the sky looked a bit threatening at this stage.

I called into the Continental food shop and got a small loaf of Rye bread. I thought it might cheer me up a bit – a totally forlorn hope of course. Then I realised I’d left all me coins in the bathroom so had to pay her with the tenner I had. Really cheered her up that did.

If looks could kill I’d be a gonna I can tell yer!

Only a new laptop with a graphic programme that works would do that. No chance at the moment. Clivey-boy suggested getting another graphics programme installed. Nice of him but the laptop is an old one running on old windows?

Anyway, I carried on to the Hospice shop and gave em me stuff.

As I was walking back the sky looked a bit lighter, but I didn’t feel any brighter.

Noticed the alcoholic mobility scooter maniac was at the pub again.

Hobbled along taking the scenic route and passed the flat I used to live in before moving to where I am now – Whatta mistake to maka! I was well happy there – but the landlord sold it to another and he wanted more rent than me mortgage was.

See how when things go wrong I start stewing on things? Poor twit.

I got back in the flea-pit.

WC.

Started the laptop, got me food out ready for microwaving later, made a cuppa and got me medications ready, then updated this.

Gawd I’m depressed.

Arghh!!!! Int life ‘orrible at times innit?

Friday 24th October 2014

05 01

A lousy night, I kept waking up for the WC and worrying about me lack of graphicalisting prospects and me dying laptop.

Laid there thinking for hours – maybe I thought, I could go to could at the call computer shop in Sherwood, they advertised used laptops for sale. I could call when i go to the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop perhaps, and see if they have a laptop for sale with Vista on it, and I could get the memory increased and RAM too – then I might be able to install my old Coreldraw9 on it? I decided to try for it. The prospect cheered me up for a bit… not for long… but for a bit.

0445hrs: I came down started the laptop and prayed, made a cuppa and got me medications taken.

Two people contacted me this morning on the Windows live thingamajig.

Trev Baverstock me old mate who lives on the South coast with his rather attractive better half first. He suggested I go to PC world and get the details of laptops available with sufficient power to handle Coreldraw – of course I can’t get a copy of the new Coreldraw anywhere? I said I’d would. And he offered to ask his brother if he would go with me to PC world so i don’t get conned again.

Then a cyber-buddy from la France contacted me and asked for my phone number, he is going to ring me in the morning. I thought that was really nice of him.

I potted about trying to get Coreldraw to save a page, but without any luck. When I try to save one it either freezes or turns itself off. Hard work.

05 bI gave up and abluted missen and got the things ready fer the Hospice shop and set off on me walk into Sherwood.

As I passed the Computer shop on the other side of the road I noticed it had its shutter down – maybe it opens later me thought. I carried on to the Hospice shop, then crossed the road and walked back down to the Computer shop – still not open.

Ah well, I caught a bus into town.

05 02Taking another photo of the old BBC building they were knocking down.

Called in PC World and a half hearted youth pointed me in the direction on laptops strong enough. There were two: An Isus Intel Core i5 processor – 4GB ram at £500 and a Toshiba 8GB ram a6 £600 with the same processor. I’ll pass this on to Trevor later.

Can’t really afford either, but if I do go in that direction I think I might as well get the bigger memory one… of course I’ve changed me mind several times while typing this. Tsk!

05 04It was drizzling with rain and I took a picture of the Council House in the gloom for your perusal.

I remembered about the Alley Cafe and I said I’d try to get some photos of it – so I did.

The tiny entrance to the Alleyway, half-way up the Alleyway and the Cafe – it was Closed! (Huh!)

05 05Then I had a brain-wave (Careful!) and called at three of the er… where they give you a loan and sell yer stuff when can’t buy it back like… I’ve forgotten what they call them. Ah, one was called a Cash Converter. The first one opposite the Alleyway was asking £299 for their used Laptops, and they were not good spec either.

So I poddled to Exchange walk to the shop there, they were even dearer!

05 05bI walked to one on Upper Parliament Street and the same there, expensive crap me thought – so another idea I’d had gone to pot.

Ah thought I again, I’ll get the bus to Sherwood and try the Computer shop again. So I caught the bus to Sherwood and the Computer shop was still shuttered up?

Dejected once again I walked back to Carrington, just missing the rain as I got in the 05 05cflea-pit.

WC.

Started the laptop, managed to get some graphics done before Coreldraw packed up on me again.

Updated this load of bol… by the way, did I mention that there was no blood from the ‘Inch’ again today? I’m desperately searching for some positives this week.

05 07Blimey what’s that noise… hang on folks…

It is a police helicopter right above the street, I’ll take a photo of it if I can…

Hello, police cars now…

Ah well, it’ll keep the yobs away.

Saturday 25th October 2014

06 01I sprang awake about 0100hrs, WC’d and remembered part of a dream I’d had.

I was desperately chasing some people (No idea who) and just could not catch them. This seemed to go on for ages, I’m not sure but think the people kept changing into other people when I got close to them so had to chase a different one? Next minute I was being crushed to death by a Russian T34 tank – then a nurse was trying to pull me out of a coffin shouting that I’d took the wrong tablets and not to forget I was being executed on Sunday?

 

0400hrs: WC.

Down to the fridge and got the Daktakort cream out of the fridge, back up and washed the ‘Inch’ and applied the cream – it is bleeding again this morning. Tsk!

Started the laptop (that I’d left on all night) made a cuppa and took my medications.

WC during which I discovered my haemorrhoids were bleeding too! Huh!

Feeling well down today.

Decided not to go out today, just stay in and potter on the web and mope about.

The ‘Inch’ is still dribbling bits of blood? Oh dear!

Put some extra Daktacort Cream on him.

But an hour later I could feel the warm wet sensation and was bleeding was much as it ever was last week – Oh dear, summat else to worry about – I’m fed-up!

Coreldraw being corrupted (Not as bad as the UK politicians yet), sometimes it will open sometimes not, it always tells me to close it and restart which I have to do then it decided if it will start on its own accord. Sometimes it lets me work-on, but it never allows me to save any page or do anything complicated like Vignette Shadow or cropping. It freezes at will, often needing an forcing close-down – then the laptop takes an hour at least to go through the palaver to restart. Tsk!

I’m having to use stuff I did earlier graphicalisation-wise. Still, it will often let me import photo’s from my camera and images from the web… but am I bothered? – Yes!

Had a massive nosh before I got me head down. Lamb casserole and cocktail sausages followed by ice-cream lolly and cheesey curls. Suprised I wasn’t sick.

Yer can tell I’m a tad depressed.

Then the ‘Inch’ bled a bit, but far less than earlier.

Arthritis, piles, ulcer and Angina have not been too bad today.

Tonight I dropped me nights tablet pot and could not find the Warfarin tablets anywhere? Came down to get another pot and found I’d left the laptop on? Hell of a job to get it to close down.

Sunday 26th October

Incorporating Inchy’s Photographical Canal Walk

0701I forgot to say in yesterdays dairy: I phoned Jane my sister to remind her to change the clocks. I’m such a caring person you know… really I’d forgot it they go back or forward!

She said don’t forget to change your TV, DVD, Cooker, and central heating. Being as I have none of these things in me dilapidated house it didn’t really apply to me. Hehe!

0245hrs: I sprang awake again, aware of a horrendous stinging from the little ‘Inch!

0702I investigated to find no bleeding apart from a miniscule drop – but flipping ‘eck it shone light torch, talk about tender! I must try to get to the G.U.M.clinic again if things don’t improve soon.

Monday is my INR level tests at the QMC, the GP appointment and my day to post for the LOMM site. Oh, and me Morrisons delivery.

Tuesday is laundry, library and Nottingham Hospice day. Busy int I? Not really.

0703Laid there trying to get back to sleep but gave up and came down at 0430hrs. Laptop started cuppa and medications imbibed.

Damned cold again this morning, put a scarf and hat on. Brrr!

Finished yesterdays diary and got it posted – Coreldraw still not right at all, had to reboot and restart a few times.

0704Thought I might get out today and get some photos taken, might go down and along the canal to get some?

Did some Facebooking, cause I like to keep up with the wonderful folk on TFZ (Troll Free Zone). So disappointed I can’t do any graphics proper for them until I sort out Coreldraw… if I ever do?

Still bloomin’ cold, I’ll have to dress up warm 0705when I go out to do me photograhising later.

Managed to get one new graphic done for a gal on TFZ. Not me best, but under the circumstance with Coreldraw it won’t too bad.

I received a call from a cyber-pal Lynton. It was very nice to talk to him, and not too bad for hearing him either on the mobile. Must have cost him a fortune, but very much appreciated.

0706Went up and beautified missen. Inch not bleeding at the moment, knees and hands okay, angina a bit bothersome, haemorrhoids not bad at all. Looking good up to now.

Set off on me walk into town. Took me about 35 minutes.

A good few folk in town for a Sunday.

I dropped in the Pound shop and got some bird seed. Then walked through town calling in Tesco for some cheapo bread for the ducks.

Then down to the Nottingham canal.

I found the part I wanted to photograph was occupied by six drunken youths enjoying themselves being offensive. So I moved on like.

When I found a spot well away from them I fedded the water birds and pigeons at the same spot. Buy gum I was popular with

them.

0707I hobbled (aching feet by now) down to the lock and tool a photo of a barge going through it.

Then I walked back and through Broad Marsh centre coming out near another pound shop in town. And being as I got carried away feeding the pigeons I purchased another bag of seed.

Then up King Street wit the intention of catching a bus back to Carrington. The queues 0708were rather large and a long waiting time because it were Sunday like yer see?

So I foolishly walked back home… the knees started and oh me flippin’ feet.

I’m glad I did though because as I walked past the Park Inn there was a London Routemaster bus parked outside.

I don’t see many of them around here.

Got in the flea-pit, WC, kettle on downloaded the photo’s and updated this diary

 

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