The Facebooker’s Guide To Dealing With Outages Or Device Crashes

beckham

A 75 year old trawlerman from Lowestoft displaying his latest FB avatar last night.

 

Avatar Simulation: Enlarge a particularly flattering picture of yourself taken a least two decades ago and walk around the streets with it glued to your face. Singularly unattractive people may prefer to use their favourite celebrity such as George Clooney or Rachel Weiss. You’ll be fooling nobody mind you.

Friending: Approach a complete stranger in the street, ask them for directions and then, over the next few weeks, gently probe them for intimate details of their private life before discussing them down the pub.

Unfriending: Approach the same person a few weeks later and kick them up the arse

Liking: Sidle up to somebody who’s engaged in a private conversation, nudge them in the ribs and give them a thumbs up sign.

Sharing: Break into somebody’s house and steal a painting or photograph from their wall before parading around the streets holding it aloft. Thick people who would rather others didn’t realise how utterly cretinous they were could walk the streets wearing a sandwich board bearing a quotation from Plato or similar.

Commenting: Eavesdrop on somebody’s private conversation and then chime in by saying “So true!” Advanced Facebookers may wish to then smother the speaker with kisses before referring to them as “babes”,” hun”, “girlfriend” or “bro”

Private Messaging: Approach somebody you vaguely know in a conspiratorial manner and whisper to them that somebody else you both vaguely know is a cunt. Pig ugly men with small penises and no prospect of getting a girlfriend could also take this opportunity to make an inappropriate remark to a female with their miserable little cock hanging out.

Blocking: Use the electoral roll to find the address of somebody who gets on your nerves and then shoot them in the face on their doorstep.

Deactivating Account: Swallow a few handfuls of Paracetemol and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Clivey “No I have no interest in looking at your fucking dog/cat, hideous children, house, garden, wallpaper or sexual organs so kindly fuck off”

 

 

17 Comments

Filed under Satire

17 responses to “The Facebooker’s Guide To Dealing With Outages Or Device Crashes

  1. An accurate version of social media brought to life.

    Like

    • Awwww you is such an ickle cutesy wootsey snugglebum for saying dat babezzzzzzzzzzzzz.

      Like

      • My face is turning red. Who is this anyway??

        Like

      • I do apologise for any reddening of the flesh my dear. It was merely a spoof reply written in broad “Facebookese”
        My apologies also for not revealing my identity. I usually initial my replies but on this occasion I failed utterly!
        I’m Clive, the ugly b****d in the hat and I write all those lame little vignettes such as Letters To LOMMM, LOMM’s TV Choice etc. In fact I might write one in a minute if you’d care to wait 5 mins?
        Ok, suit yerself love :(

        Like

  2. sozsatire

    Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE and commented:
    I wrote this one this morning in “The Other Place” and have decided to reblog it here so that people I have actually fucking heard of can bask in it’s mediocrity too. :)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “…and whisper to them that somebody else you both vaguely know is a cunt.” You’ve truly captured the essence of Facebook there mate.

    Liked by 1 person

    • sozsatire

      You know it and I know it Smiffy. Hopefully one or two others are shuffling about awkwardly, looking down at their shoes.
      Great reply!!!!

      Like

  4. Absolutely bloody hilarious – am wiping tears of mirth from my eyes as I write. Sharing immediately: everyone’s gotta see this! So damn true – priceless evocation of Facebook’s essential vacuity!

    Like

    • sozsatire

      I’m the bearer of the sword of truth and justice. Hacking my way through the tangled web of duplicity and people acting the giddy arseole that is Facebook. You have no idea how much I enjoyed writing that one btw :)

      Like

      • I can readily envisage the glee! There’s something truly egregious about Facebook. What with the constant bullying to Like a dying vole, share some ghastly act of carnage with other witless tossers and be bucked up by hearty sayings so anodyne and crass that the only proper response is the noose from the light fitting and an early exit from this Veil of Tears. Pass the bucket, is all I can say!

        Like

      • I once had the great ill-fortune to be a moderator on a large London-based FB group and the sheer duplicity and teeth-jarring stupidity of the “inmates” absolutely took my breath away.
        I could write a book about that place that would make Tolstoy look like a bone idle stay-a-bed, trust me.

        Like

  5. You forgot posting a photo to your wall. Excellent essay! :D

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    • You mean those pics that people insist on shoving up on their timelines depicting some snot-encrusted child with a face like Benny f*****g Hill?
      Yes that was rather remiss of me I must confess. *lights pipe and smashes self across the knuckles with ruler*

      Like

  6. So true. So true. *likes* *smiley face* :D

    Liked by 1 person

    • sozsatire

      I can see you’re a hardened, time-served FB veteran my friend ;)
      Apologies for replying using this persona, only I can’t be bothered to log out you see ;)
      Clivey.

      Like

      • Yes indeed my good man
        I have me scars to prove it too!

        But it seems you too have gained quite the experiences with your time served at the front lines of the FB frontier as well
        It was indeed a bitter time it was

        Like

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