Youthful Satirical Mag Editor Claims Full Credit For Front Page Speech Bubbles

Political Parties Pledge

Christ! Check out the f*****g captions on that!” – Baking guru, Mary Berry.

In a shock revelation that will shake the very foundations of the world of mildly unsuccessful satirical magazines, the 19-year-old editor of Soz Satire “A Piss Poor Excuse For Humour”, has revealed that, just before the latest edition was published, he made a number of alterations to the front page speech bubbles, making them in his view: “Even funnier”

Clivey Dee, 19, and looking a fair bit younger, told reporters outside his office in Whitechapel, East London:

“Just before we went live the other week I went into the online editing bit and made a few alterations to the speech bubbles to make them even funnier. Our graphics bloke, The Artful Dodger, who’s getting on a bit in years to be honest, had done his best bless him, but when you’re as old as he is you tend to lose that innovative touch and it sometimes takes somebody from the younger, more vibrant generation, such as myself, to give things a sprinkle of stardust. So I was more than happy to roll my sleeves up and spend 10 minutes altering what had taken him countless hours to produce without so much as a by-your-leave. I did actually try to tell him what I’d done but he was being sick in the pub toilet at the time and I’m not sure if he heard me”

Dee, 19, and not looking a day over 15, was given the whole-hearted approval of a number of prominent literary figures last night, including, E L James, author of the highly successful, 50 Shades erotic trilogy, who told us:

“EYE FINK DAT THE SPEACH BUBLEZ ON SOZ SATYRE WER BRILL AND VERY EROTIK. IF MR GREYE SAW THEM HEE WOOD GET HIS NOB OUT AND RUB IT AWL OVER THE FRUNT PAYGE UNTIL HEE BLEW HIZ CUSTERD ON THEM KAPTSHUNS. OH MYE!”

If you’d like to see what all the fuss is about, or would even like to voice your worthless opinion, then why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

PS. A genuine, heartfelt thank you to all you good peeps that have wasted chunks of your existence visiting the mag. It really is greatly appreciated by us, as well as extremely ill-advised on your part. So thanks guys x

Clivey Dee,19…but only just mind!

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Charlotte Brontesaurus: 19th Century Romantic Agony Aunt

charlotte bronte

“Anyone got any ciggies? I’m dying for a burn!”

Here’s one I wrote a little earlier that will almost certainly bring the ubiquitous death threats from the fragrant, lady members of The Bronte’s Appreciation Society. Sorry girls but I’m afraid it had to be done :)

It’s not as dire as the singing buoy skit I foisted upon you the other day but it runs it pretty damn close I don’t mind telling you! :)

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!charlotte-brontesaurus/cj96

Warning: Contains heaving bosoms, men in tight riding breeches and the odd spelling mistake.

Clivey Dee, 19.

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SHE HAS BEEN KNOWN TO DROP THEM!

dropped-them

She has been known to drop them

She’s dropped them from afar

She’s dropped off the chandelier

She once chucked them out the car

 

It was not that very long ago

She dropped in the road

A policeman picked them up for her

Delivered them back to her abode

 

In Paris one winters afternoon

Near the Louvre she dropped the lot

She never did get that pair back

And they were the only ones she’d got

 

She’s hurtled them at passers-by

She’s thrown them wrapped up in a brick

Yet those gloves she’s always kept them on

When it’s freezing and the snow is thick

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The Bloody Foreigner’s Tourist Guide To London

cockneys

Strike a light Mayweee. Show us yer threepenny bits love”

Here’s one that was sung and choreographed by my fiend (sp?), Gary Moore ‘Churchmouse’ earlier folks.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!london-tourist-guide/c1jtw

Disclaimer: No London gangland figures were nailed to snooker tables during the writing and editing of this skit…in all probability.

Signed. Clivey Dee, 19.

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Since Inchy Stopped Drinking…

At one time I thought life was Roses and Beer rather than wine,

And thought IPA, cider and Mansfield beer was just fine,

But I didn’t know where to draw the line,

I had to stop, the decision was mine.

Four days in bed sweating the mattress soaking wet,

I thought I’d never finish shaking, soaked in sweat,

Nightmares invaded for Five days, I’d not given up yet,

No one came to see me for a tête-à-tête.

Drinking partners who I thought were a mate,

Memories of dominoes, darts, angling and pub outing date,

Even these memories begin to dilate,

I began to wander what would be my fate.

Financially I was better off, that was for sure,

But oh dear the loneliness I had to endure,

I became committed to work, but felt insecure,

Then got made redundant went on a job-seeking tour,

Now I found myself lonely unhappy and poor.

Agency work for long hours and a pittance in pay,

Got a permanent job in Security one day,

Not a good idea looking back I must say,

80 hours a week for less than the hourly minimum pay!

But it was interesting work, I got bit by a dog and shot in the leg,

Thrown in a canal and hit over the head with a beer keg,

Attacked and tied up one night, the bosses didn’t give a smeg,

Got made redundant there too, without a nest-egg!

Then the ailments came thick and fast,

Arthur Itis, sticking reflux valve but they weren’t the last,

With a Duodenal ulcer and haemorrhoids I was harassed,

Then the ticker needed a new valve and me leg a plaster-cast.

The hernia was bad, got it repaired, but it didn’t last long,

The pain from me Angina, and bleeding lesion on me dong,

Then me lady-friend emigrated to Hong Kong,

I needed to know, what had I done wrong?

I’ve tried to me sociable and nice to the Hoi Polloi,

Not to nit-pick, I’ve been rather shy and coy,

Treated folk fair whether girl or boy I’d offer joy,

Tried not to deflate others or destroy,

Although I admit I’ve not been an alter-boy,

Not been educated, can’t tell you the capital of Illinois,

Never had fashion sense, I once wore corduroy,

I have to admit to being a little hobbledehoy,

Could I do with a drink now boy?

That I would really enjoy!

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Filed under Humour, Satire

Inchies Week

Monday 11th May 2015

 IMG_0156Decent kip – WC’d tests done:

Sys 159 Dia 159 Puls 104 Temp 33.2

Got things ready for walk into town to meet with Pete who was to give me a mystery tour?

The moon was still visible in the sky at 0845hrs.

The usual pavement cyclists were suffered en route into the City Centre.

IMG_0158IMG_0157There were actually more than photographed here, but they
were too quick for me to catch on camera.

Met Pete and he guided me to the bus stop for the Route 100 Pathfinder bus.

 I could see on the information read out that this bus went to Southwell, a route of about 16 or so miles.

Thank heavens for the pensioners free bus-pass!

The weather was behaving but the bouncy bus made me waste a few shots that blurred a bit.

IMG_0161As we left Carlton we went under the Searing Hill bridge – so sad that no trains use it nowadays.

Going into Burton Joyce brought back many memories of me Co-op working days, and some of the houses Pete helped build still stood!

Gave us cause for a natter or two that did.

IMG_0162On and toward Lowdham island and through the village.

More memories evoked for both of us.

IMG_0163The sky was looking good as we left the village of Thurgarton.

I asked Pete what the mystery trip was about?

He said he was planning to do a 10 mile Nottingham Walk as advertised in the Nottingham Post and we were going to the starting point so he would know where is was next week when he went on it.

Oh good I thought.

We carried on (Well the bus did) and arrived at IMG_0167the outskirts of Southwell.

Through Brackenhurst Campus, the Dumbells, the Ropewalk then the terminus Norwood Gardens, Southwell.

IMG_0168Proof that the bus was driving within the speed limit showing near the junction of our destination.

Pete got out his Ordnance Survey map and his compass and scale rule for his map out and we were off down the main street, Lower Kirklington Road.

Pete soon identified the leafy lane we were to walk down and again got out his paraphernalia and assessed it was 1.8 miles to the car park he wasIMG_0169looking for (The start point of the 10 mile Walk).

 He encouraged me to carry on and ignore me arthritis and angina.

It really was a nice day, we plodded on, finding a concealed area for a wee-wee in the trees.

Just in time as some horse-riders appeared coming in the other direction on the narrow footpath.

IMG_0170I assumed it was a lady rider as Pete got out his mobile to take a photo and I got my camera out and took one of him taking one of her if yer ee wot I mean like?

The knees were giving me some gip now.

IMG_0173

As we passed under an old railway bridge Pete found it on his map and showed considerable interest in the fancy brickwork I pointed out to him.

IMG_0172We came across a small beck near the next bridge and this reminded Pete of his young days a-wandering around the area as like wot he did.

Eventually, weary and tired we arrived at the aforesaid car park that Pete wanted to find.

A sign indicated we had 3 miles to walk to get back to Southwell!

Oh Good I thought…

Made my day that did – Hehe.

IMG_0174I broke out the nibbles and tried to look at the old railway station that was there many years ago.

Pete took me around the back and we saw the old Station-Master’s house was still in use – modernised and that like.

Ah, memories.

IMG_0171Pete pointed out the route, and we backtracked to the bus-stop in Southwell.

The bus arrived and we departed on our way back into Nottingham.

A little further on we passed the famous Saracens Head public house.

A long history that place has. It filled its useful purpose as an Inn to 5th May, 1674.

On that day an event occurred within its wallsIMG_0175which made it famous. In those days it was called “The Kings Head”, and it was here at seven 0’clock in the morning that King Charles arrived heartbroken and weary after an all-night ride in appalling circumstances, accompnied by Dr Hudson.

From Charles’ point of view the war was lost and he was trying to make the best terms he could. Negotiations between going on between Charles and the Scottish Commissioners. At last Hudson had succeeded in obtaining terms which would be acceptable to both sides.

Charles was stolen out of Oxford, he reached Southwell where he met Montreuil, the French envoy who was acting as intermediary.

.Charles surrendered and was invited to accompany them to headquarters of the Scottish army at Kelham.

That was the end of Charles as a free man.

The name of the “Kings Head” was changed to “Saracens Head”. It was wondered if the “Saracens Head” was a covert reference to Charles 11 who wasIMG_0176referred to by his friends as “The Black Boy”, after his flight from Worcester and during those days when loyalty spelt danger.

On through the villages chatting away… not the villages chatting away like, me and Pete chatting away I mean like.

IMG_0177Under the bridge into Carlton and we were soon back in town.

Pete came with me to the EE shop and a very kind young lady helped show me how to sign in my email on me mobile.

She offered to sell me a cable to transfer me photo’s from the camera to me laptop – Pete said he had one at home I could have. Saved a bit there then.

Pete did his best to ensure I’d got the message about what to do to get signed in on me mobile.

We parted and I caught the bus back home with me aching feet (I’d have  job without em eh?).

On the bus, me mobile rang, it was the warden from the MRBA housing informing me they had a flat coming free and would I like to have a look – I said yes and thanked her – if I got off at the next stop the place would only be a five minute walk away – how fortunate.

I dropped off and called to see the lady and the flat – I registered my interest, she asked me to ring her tomorrow and let her know yea or nae.

I’ve got to go to the hospital tomorrow for me INR tests, I’ll call in on me way home and let her know yea!

Then I was all in a right state in me mind – so much to get done, the first thing is to start cleaning up and clearing out – hard on yer own and without transport.

IMG_0178Pete said he would help with the selling of the house, I rang him and he said to get things moving and then let him know.

The brain is racing now – worrying, fretting…

Walked home, nearly being clobbered by a pavement cyclist en-route!

Got in the dump and WC’d.

Wasn’t hungry at all. too tensed and nervous now with the thought of managing everythingIMG_0179with the prospective move into sheltered housing. Then I thought of the costs – I forgot to ask the warden what the rent is? Must do that tomorrow***

Mad a nosh of sort but couldn’t eat it all.

My diary’s will not be so light hearted or detailed for while, due to being needed to work on me new problems. Sorry.

.Oh, Pete took some photo’s of me on his phone – if he sends them before I nod off I’ll add them, otherwise add the to tomorrow’s news.

He’s sent em now:

GCS01 GCS02 GCS03

Tuesday 12th May 2015

 Woke in  a sweat – been dreaming of the (possible) new flat in the sheltered complex.

Force missen up – WC’d and did some rubbish collecting and out to the bins.

Emails from a couple of Facebook friends cheered me up.

So much to do – so little time… or know-how!

I got the paperwork, and nibbles ready for the Hospital and clinic nurses and then had a wash and readied myself for the walk to the Nottingham Hospice shop with their bits – then caught the bus to town to get the bus out to the Queens Medical Centre then bus to the clinic then bus back to town to the EE shop to sort me phone out, then call too inform Warden Christine at the Home of my definate interest in flat 2 – (Well that’s the plan anyway…)

Fed the pigeons on me way out to Sherwood and the Hospice shop – struggling a bit with the heavy bags.

IMG_0180Looking a tad gloomy this morning, no rain forecast but… I feel me knees telling me rain is in air – or that the after effects on me mini-marathon in the country with Pete yesterday?

It wont long til the first Pavement Cyclist nearly had me –  she was a bit wobbly before she got near me… ah well.

IMG_0181Onward, struggling with me bags on to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop and gave em the stuff and some nibbles – they had time for a little chin-wag today, I liked that, made em laugh a bit too.

Felt a bit odd carrying only the one bag as I left the shop to see a Pavement Cyclist belting down the hill towards me – grabbed me camera quick as I could but he’d long gone having nearly hit the part-woman in the photograph on his mad rush passed her – Git!

IMG_0182Up to the bus stop just in time to use me Pensioners free bus-pass the bus was full and not of happy peoples – they all seemed gloomy and depressed – the diver however was cheerful enough.

Into town, assisted off the bus by the rushing possibly late for work commuters, and a few hundred yards up on Milton Street caught the bus out to the Queens Medical Centre,

Arrived as the wind was getting up a bit but it was still warm.

IMG_0183Got the Metro to read while waiting after getting me ticket. Only a ten minute wait and I was in and being seen to. Gave the nurse their nibble-bag and was getting me coat on and the blood poured down me arm… they cleaned me up and stuck some more cotton wool and tape on it. Out and onto the bus into town – reading the paper en route I noticed it was still leaking a bit – Tsk!

I wus soon it Broad Marsh bus station – and walked through up the escalator and along to the exit escalator and out into Bridlesmith Gate and down passed the back of the Council House and into Clumber Street, where I called into the EE shop to get me advice on wot I wer doin’ wrong when trying to get me email set-up for Google on me new phone.

IMG_0184The chap wus pleasant enough despite the well known “Another old fart don’t know what he’s doing’ look on his mush as he greeted me.

I explained that I came in the shop yesterday and the lady wrote down the procedure for carrying out this operation on me phone, went home where I could access me pass-words needed and tried it out. I got to section that needed me to sign in with me google ID, put it in and a screen came up asking me Windows permission to access me details – saying to click Accept or Deny button – but there was only a Deny button?

He calmly got me to the page again – and touched the screen and moved finger to the left – and wallah, the accept button came into view! I felt such a fool!

I then asked him how I couold set up the internet to start on Google UK when accessed? With seconds of flashing fingers he handed me the phone and said “All done mate!”

He even shown me how to save me favourites – but I’ve forgotten since – Oh dearie me!

IMG_0185Walked to the bus-stop noticing some Bling for the gals at the TFZ Facebook site.

Took a photo of them. The prices varied a bit, all earrings I think.

As we were going up Mansfield Road ont bus like, I remembered about calling at the Mansfield Road Baptist Church Hosuing Association Sheltered Housing unit of Sherwood Rise (Bit of a mouthful that?) I’ll refer to it as MRBHA in future posts methinks?).

IMG_0186I met the Warden Christine and confirmed my interest for certain and she said an interviewer would be calling to see me on Thursday 22nd May @ 1400hrs.

Second floor on the left No.2 (No curtains) is the one I hope to get into. Thinking about it, there are no neighbours above to make any noise and if the one to the right in the picture does, the living room is the one on the left corner of the building?

As I was setting up to take the photo many curtains twitched to have decker at me. Good that?

IMG_0187As I left the complex and crossed over the road to walk home two pavement cyclists had stopped to have a snog, he didn’t even dismount!

I waddled on down the road, crossed Hucknall Road and up Ebers Road feeding the pigeons that came down on the way.

The usual summer time gang of layabout yobs were drinking on the twitchel as I passed by. This made me more determined to do me best to get into MRBHA’s Spencer Court, even if it is expensive.

IMG_0188Then the heavens opened and the wind got very blustery with it.

This lady with the brolly was struggling in the winds.

Amazingly the rain stopped within a few minutes, but the howling winds stayed with us all night! Tsk!

Got in the dump and WC’d.

Set about sorting some things to get rid of IMG_0191and boxing and bagging them. Took hours but I wanted to get them done before Pete arrives to collect them for the Friary Charity that sister Jane volunteers at. I’m afraid I had to let the music centre that Shirley Blamey had so kindly sent me go to the Friary with some other stuff – feel guilty now after all her efforts time and costs.

I rang Pete to see what time he would be arriving – he was waiting for Jane to return from her nosh out with friends. We had a natter about yesterdays walk then he said he would ring me when she returned.

That was two hours a go. My sister Jane is a little gaddabout! Hehehe!

Did this diary while waiting for Pete to ring me.

Then remembered I’d not been to the Clinic! Argh!

Just hope he can get here in time for me to go there last thing.

Can’t do much more sorting until I get the room by moving the stacks ready to go. Still, I can sort me papers that need shredding cause Pete said he’s do them for me on his machine. (Mine broke-down – fancy that!).

I’ll make a start on it now – TTFN – aha, Pete rang, on his way…

Pete arrived and took the stuff for the Friary along with his and Jane’s nibbles and a lamb knuckle. So glad they like them.

He brought me a bag of marmite Crisps (All six in it! Hehe!) and a connector lead from his mobile that he does not use so I can download photo’s from me Lumia 635 bless him.

He couldn’t take any rubbish away on the day.

Had a cuppa and natter and I got a bollicking for not sorting the house out earlier – well he’s right!

Took two photos of Pete outside near his car – hopefully I can download them using his cable thingy to this Diary.

Not feeling too good about myself now.

Caught bus to the clinic – got seen to, came back. Continue with current cream, Betamethasone Corticosteroid’.

Mad nosh and ate it.

Then downloaded it, it tooketh ages to download? Perhaps the 8 updates from windows coming in at the same time slowed it down? I opened the picture files and nothing was their on any file? Then noticed another 14 updates being downloaded – had to restart laptop after an hour of waiting for them to install – Tsk!

IMG_0192Then downloaded me photo of me nosh from me camera.

Not bad, but I wasn’t in a good mood and felt somewhat annoyed and pitifully sorry fer missen – so, understandable.

Still waiting for the 14 updates to install and hope then after a restart I get to me photo’s on the camera? Mmmm!

20 minutes later all installed – no pictures??? Sod-it!

Wednesday 13th May 2015

Woke in  a state of panic and nervousness, with a bit of shame in there somewhere too. I’ve been dreaming of the (possible) new flat in the sheltered complex again and animals chasing me, all sorts hyenas, giant rats and snakes I remember being amongst them.

Took me readings, but without any enthusiasm. Feeling pitifully ashamed of myself for some reason. Sys153 Dia75 Pulse79 Temp36.2c.

IMG_0193Noticed the sky was brighter this morning and took a photo of it – purely from habit, I have no interest in what the sky looks like today.

Too intent on worrying about my having to go begging for help this morning, help with the sorting the Flea-pit out in time for the visit from the housing inspector checks on me to see if I am accepted for the flat.

Sat for ages musing and planning what to say when I get their with no decisions made.

Lynton gave me some tips and encouragement over the phone, but I am a different person now – the bubbly have a laugh side of me has gone for a bit. Tsk! All worry and fretting. Dreading to go and plead for help from strangers and ashamed for having to. I don’t feel up to it, but needs must.

The guts are aching and grinding now as well. The angina and arthritis not too bad though – but my concerns are having to go and… oh, I’ve said this already, sorry.

Getting het-up with myself now a bit.

Started the laptop to begin this diary, and it froze when I tried to do owt? Lost me sidebar, well it froze with nowt but outline showing – and that had me notes from Lynton on the notepad – Shit!

Restarted and the same again. Turned off and back on got message from AVG about virus – it keeps coming on regular now and I have to select ‘Remove’ regularly.

That’s all I want innit!

Eventually forced myself to spruce-up and get ready to go to town and the Age Concern place to beg for help.

The plan is to (according to what happens at Age Concern) then try the Salvation Army.

Not looking forward to this at all.

I hope I don’t forget me Skin Cancer removal appointment next Thursday – oh Christ, that’s the day when the housing assessor is coming. Tsk! Bolloc… I’ll have to call at the Complex and explain on me way out – oh am I getting uptight and bothered or what.

CatCafeA good job I temporarily regained me senses later – it is in June me surgery not May – nearly another Whoopsiedangleplop there!

Somehow I remembered the jewel thingy I found weeks ago and handed in to the police station and I actually found the form, so I took it with me.

Left and caught the bus into town.

IMG_0195Called at the Central police station as it is facing the Age UK place I was dreading going into to plead me case for help assistance or being given a lethal injection. Hehe!

The stairs up into the station are getting larger I think. I joined the queue and waited… then read a free paper kindly supplied for inquiring Nottingham citizens to keep them occupied while waiting… I read the whole Metro newspaper… I fiddled about in me IMG_0194bag… I scratched various parts of my anatomy… then the one receptionist called next and a bloke jumped in front of me and got served… I reread the sports pages… then got in and handed her me Found property form.

She started searching the files and drawers. I read the newspaper again… she disappeared into the back and every one who joined the queue asked ‘Are you being served?’ Eventually she returned with another form for me to fill in and sign. I got the jewel thingy back in a bag.

I’ve no idea if it’s worth owt yet, but it looks pretty.

IMG_0196Then down the deadly steps and out and across the road to the Age UK place…

Much of what took place over the next 2½ hours is a blur. The poor gal on the desk was the only contact I had, and she had to keep serving others as they came in.

Kept getting tongue tied, missed half of what was said and the angina played up.

I think they are offering a use of an advocate person to assist with the house moving but they cannot help with sorting out me mess. Confused and bewildered I left feeling a tad disappointed too.

1301

 I wandered a little light headedly across to the other side of town to call at the Citizens Advice Centre.

IMG_0202IMG_0201It was closed

Hey Hoe!

So back the other way into town, avoiding a couple of the many Nottingham PAvement Cyclists en-route.

I went into the Central Library to confirm the location of the Salvation Army, then had a hobble to the Sneinton area and called and spoke with a chappie and told him my sorry tale and he listened intently to me woes – then said ‘No, we don’t help with rubbish, but we can collect owt of use for out charity shops if they are ready for collection at a specified time like!’ Similar words as wot I got from the Age UK folk.

Dejected I limped back to the bus-stop and caught one back to Carrington.

IMG_0203Called into the Co-op for some bread thins and on through the yobbo free twitchell back to the bomb-site. Fred and Fatima brought some of the family down with them for their nosh time treat.

I actually felt very drained – revealing all my failings to strangers, walking in the heat and the failure to get help had worn me out.

IMG_0204Made me nosh of cheesey mash potatoes, garden peas, and beetroot with bread thins with pork loin. If the days failures had not put me on such a low, I would have really enjoyed it… but it wont bad.

Laptop on and found an email from the GP surgery.

We have been contacted by Amanda Shaw at the warfarin Clinic at the Queens Medical Centre, they have been trying to contact you on your phone but have been unsuccessful.

Your INR result is 1.3 so they have advised that you will need to use your Enoxaparin medication and take 3 tablets for the next two days (today and tomorrow) and you will need a re-test this Friday 15th May.

Contact our surgery as soon as possible for us to arrange the appointment and acknowledge the receipt of this email.

Kind regards: Reception Team.

Well well, fancy that, summat else to worry about! Gerblowitandglunk!

I sent an email back pointing out that the Doc took me Enoxaparin medication off me prescriptions a couple of years ago? Asked for advice – but I’ll call in tomorrow to book me tests. Hey-ho sort of day – total failure – Gerblowitandglunk with bar!

Fell asleep after emailing Lynton for a bit.

Woke up feeling right odd, acidy in me mouth and chest?

Finished this Diary.

Did some graphics but Coreldraw9 kept crashing again.

Wide awake now? Feeling of foreboding again… Huh!

TTFN all.

Friday 8th May 2015

After falling asleep early last night and waking up around 0200hrs – I realised I’d missed me Warfarin along with me other medications last night – Tsk!

Vague memories of bits of me dreams but not enough to formulate any actual activity, just the feelings of frustration and depression?

Had to do yesterday’s diary and get it posted off. Took me hours as Coreldraw9 was playing up again, and things kept jumping about when typing?

IMG_0117Around 0400hrs I took a break to go down and take the bins out for collection later, make a flask of tea and pot of porridge.

Nippy this morning, too dark to take a photo of outside yet.

Took me morning medications and did me health checks list.

The haemorrhoids were not bad and no bleeding – The Inch Lesion had only bled a tiny bit – Anne Gyna was no bother – Arthur Itis and cramps were much better than yesterday – the skin cancer growth was the same, painful if touched or caught on owt – No bother from the ulcer at all. Good stuff this morning in these findings. Did me BP thingy:

Sys 143 – Dia 89 – Pulse 94 and Temp 30.2 looks alright to me too!

Set up this diary to here and checked on election results to date (early yet I know)

0500hrs:

* Labour 126 – 19% Tories 101 – 16% SNP 48 – 7% LibDems 5 – 1% UKIP 1 

Then did some Facebooking.

0630hrs:

* Labour 174 – 19% Tories 165 – 16% SNP 53 – 7% LibDems 6 – 1% UKIP 1

0735hrs:

* Labour 216 – 33% Tories 268 – 41% SNP 56 – 9% LibDems 8 – 1% UKIP 1

Had a wash and brush-up and got ready fer me walk into town.

0501Set off – a fine looking day.

I set off up Mansfield Road into the City Centre on me walk.

I enjoyed it today, despite the knees being a bit tender like – no rushing, just plodded along yer know.

I’m glad to report that there was only 0502one Pavement cyclist en-route!

Mind you, this git was of more danger than the normal morons who scare pedestrians and older folk with their uncaring attitude.

He was on his mobile phone or ipod thing!

Tsk and cobblenuts to him!

As I approached the centre I stopped to take a photograph of the Victoria Flats (Apartments to our American friends I think).

0503The building in front contains students flats, hundreds of student flats.

The ground floor contains a disabled contact point and at one time several retail outlets. but they have all gone bankrupt and departed elsewhere.

I slipped some seeds and mealworms to the pigeons… clandestinely like.

When I walked walked through the Victoria Bus-station 0504and I couldn’t believe it was a Friday – hardly a sole about… no plaice either… hehehe, I am a fool! Sorry!

I poddled into the mall on the top floor and walked the length to the other end and the walk-over where I could take a photo of the traffic from above like.

0505There wasn’t much traffic or folk either, although the dustbin lorry… no sorry, the Refuse Collectors Vehicle managed to miss the traffic lights as he turned right, just.

I went down the stairs and wobbled on to the Co-op Bank.

They were not open yet, so I hobbled up Friar Lane to the Boots Opticians.

The lady tending to deciding where to put the 0512split in the bifocals informed me I had a large scratch on my head. Took a photo of it.

I had no idea?

0413

Yesterday

Yesterday when I walked into the drooping wet tree leaves perhaps?

Either I’m getting pimples or it’s the skin cancer marks on top of head?

Hey-ho, I’ll find out on June 12th when I have me appointment with the knife.

0506I wondered back to the Bank and en-route saw this sign outside a cafe in town: “It will rain now I’ve put this board out!”

Liked the humour – and he/she was right, it did rain later!

To the bank and sorted me confusion out eventually.

Then a wander to get a photographicalisation of the second oldest pub in Nottingham, the ‘Salutation Inn’.

05071210 or 1216 I think it first opened.

Very much a young yuppie type clientele nowadays.

And the students from the thousands of dedicated living flats all around town seem to like it.

Plenty (far too many) pavement cyclists all over the town today.

I walked down to Wheeler Gate and took a 0508photo in a wine shop window for the TFZ fold, and some ‘Bling’ from the jewellers.

Made my way back to the Victoria Mall and called in Tesco to get some Bread thins.

Weakness overcame me – and I got some of the Polish chicken sausage, Marmite Crisps, canned peas and… er… two fresh cream French Horns.

Then to Aldi for some of their microwaveable small new potatoes in herb and oil.

Guilt ridden I made for the bus stop and caught a bus back to Carrington.

0509One of the gals on the TFZ site asked me about the spaces made available for the disabled on our buses – so I took this photo of the area for her.

The wheelchair is backed up to the pad, the grey arm on the right can be dropped down for extra safety.

I was soon back in Carrington and in the hovel and on the porcelain again.

0511aGot me nosh prepared and watched a DVD while eating it with glee.

Them chicken sausages are so sweet and tender inside.

The potatoes were as usual excellent!

Took me medications and fell asleep – fancy that!

I woke up and checked the election results:

* Tories 331 51% – Labour 232 – 36%  41% SNP 56 – 9% LibDems 8 – 1%

general election - final result

This result means the end of the free NHS.

The result was caused by Miliband’s total inability to challenge Cameron.

The resignations of Clegg Miliband and Farage are too late to save the situation, Clegg and Miliband should have gone long ago – why did they stay to destroy their own parties? Will Farage actually go?

Feeling down now…

The riots will return soon too, mark my words!

Saturday 9th May 2015

 Got a decent sleep in last night, a good 6 hours.

The dreams were something about me in a crowd like in the cup final and I was searching everywhere for someone or something – ended up with me looking down at missen and I was in a giant pan being boiled in soup? I seemed quite happy with this though.

Woke and climbed downstairs.

IMG_0134The clouds were moving at a fast pace this morning.

Sprayed some weed-killer on the garden patch – the kids have been in again throwing me rockery rocks about.

Washed me pots from last night, made a flask of tea, WC’d and did me checks: Sys 174 Dia 78 Pulse 78 Temp 45c

Laptop on and started this diary off.

Coreldraw froze – Corel Paint, everytime I try to use it a message comes up telling me important update to stability faults need to be downloaded – I turn of the programme and click OK – everytime it tells me I need to turn off the programme before it can install update patch! The window informing me of this stays open all the time!

AALonaTried Serif plus and that froze. Restart after restart – blimey, it took me ages to get me first graphicalisation dun and posted on TFZ facebook!

Oh dear!

The TFZ Gal Knitters I called it, I was looking for a ‘cute’ element in it like.

Gawd I’ve got a massive headache coming on now, Tsk!

Forced missen to get a spit and polish and ready fer me trip to town – decided to go to Sneinton Market, partly because I’ve not been there for years and I thought I might get some decent photo’s fer the TFZers on Facebook.

Set off and caught the bus into town where I had a wobble around…

0603I plodded down to the Sneinton Market first.

0608Down Milton Street, left into Upper Parliament street, Lower Parliament Street through Burton Street and left through Boston Street, right up Brook Street and left into the Market… and what a sight for sore eyes it was!

Pathetic – about six stalls with crap for sale in the wind blown vast expanse 0609of concrete.

Hogwash!

So sad from the days when I used to go their in the 50’s and 60s when it was all hustle and bustle and watch yer wallet as you searched for and usually found a bargain or two.

Later when I got back I found a photo from 1961 to post along with todays to show how things have gone downhill with the open markets nowadays.

Nostalgic moment suffered here!

I wobbled to the end of Bath Street 0605and left into Beck Street, across and up Heathcoat Street and right down Goosegate.

On the corner the ‘Odd shop’ as it is known had some great stuff on display and I took a couple of snaps for the ‘Bling’ gals on TFZ.

I’ve no idea what these gems are, but 0606they looked good to me.

And these ladies watches were really different than any others I’ve seen anywhere else.

They had some hats in one if the windows but the reflection from that window meant they didn’t come out very good at all.

0607Down to Chinese store and had a wonder around getting some seaweed. My usual one in olive oil and a new one that is dried and actually looks like seaweed should. I’m aiming to try a bit of this tonight with me nosh.

They had some American pasta in the window I noticed as I was leaving and took a photo of it as best I could like.

I walked back up Goosegate through Hockley noticing something I missed in the ‘Odd Shop’0604window earlier.

Took a photo of it as it got me curious at to what it was and did like.

A German engineered Dry-herb Vaporiser?

I still don’t know what it is or does – can anyone help me please?

Whatever it is I hope it works cause at £325 it ain’t cheap! That’s CAD $605.79, USD $501.88, AUD $ 632.65.

0611A bit further up Hockley the model cow outside an eatery was attracting a lot of interest from the ankle-snappers.

This gal in the picture was overjoyed and tried to milk it! Not kidding. (Hehe, bless her, how one so young knew about such things I don’t know!).

I plodded on through Carlton Street and Pelham street, Thurland Street the Clinton Street East and over the road into the Vic Centre.

0613Walked through and into Tesco to get some fresh cream cakes – but overcame the desire with a willpower of steel (Not really, they were short dated).

I got some of their very nice Curried Beans and some Garden peas on offer, Sugardrop tomatoes and Cheesey Seaweed nibbles.

I left from the top entrance and walked down to Upper Parliament street – avoiding the argument going on between a group of Eastern European gentlemen by the sound of their language used to each other – odd how many English swear words were intermingled with their own language?

0612Feeling well tired now, I took a photo of the crowd and nipped off tp catch me bus back to Carrington.

I droppedoff the bus and called in the Co-op to get some of their thins – they only had short date ones left, but they were reduced so I got a pack.

The twitchell was occupied with lurking yobs so I took the long route back to the dump.

0614Still even so, Fatima and Fred must have seen me and followed because they came down for their nibbles.

A feeling of impending gloom came over me when I got in the house?

WC’d and put me purchases away, then got me 0615nosh sorted.

Dropped one of tins of curried beans on me foot…

I swore profusely!

Made a flask of tea up and took me nosh up to enjoy while watching a DVD.

0616The new seaweed is really strong – I liked it.

Just covered in water for three minutes and it was ready.

The Sugarsweet tomatoes weren’t very sweet though.

Fell asleep several times then gave up trying to watch the film.

I dreamed of Shirley Blamey and Mike Steeden and a classroom in me dreams – but can’t remember what happened in em. Tsk!

Got on with this diary then did some Facebooking.

Sunday 10th May 2015

 Hastened to the porcelain.

I feel like I must been dreaming all the way through me four hours kip last night… well, this morning. Remembered some bits and found some notes I’d scribbled too – how do I do that and not remember writing them?

Hatred, fear, mockery, calamity, frustration even Cameron was in there somewhere I think – got his name on me pad anyway.

The sky still had fast moving clouds belting past – and the winds were also high and I didn’t like that for me walk today.

IMG_0154Made  flask of tea and pot of porridge.

As I moved to go back up the stairs the angina hit me badly at the same time as the arthritis in me knees started playing up. Tsk!

I was hoping to meet with Pete Monday (Tomorrow) to go on a walk. Best if I stay indoors today and dose missen up with extra med’s?

Started laptop and took me medications and porridge.

Did me tests:

Sys 149, Dia 88, Pulse 85, Temp 31.2c.

At least the haemorrhoids are not bleeding or too bad. The ticker feels okay too.

The Dreams: Seems I was in a massive bombed out or burnt office block and again searching for something, everytime I tried to move from the office I was in each door was slammed shut until I came to the last one, that had the door removed and Bonio dog biscuits scattered along the corridor outside… I folded a voting form into a plane and floated it down the corridor – David Cameron came out from a door with a flamethrower and burnt it, then ran back into the room laughing?

I crept along and saw on the door a notice with two fingers on it and the writing ‘The Laughing Cavalier’?

Then I was on a bridge over a dirty canal, that was filled with drowning people all calling for help but no sounds came from them, just Bernard Cribbins ‘Gossip Calypso’ in the background – I tried to throw ropes in to the people in the water each time I did the rope turned into lightning or static electricity of some sort – then I was in a shop and having carnal relations with a big buxom hairy lass who I felt I knew – later we got on me motorbike and sidecar and went searching for someone called Petunia in Scotland?

Some notes I’d written meant nothing as I’d written them alone – Pursed, Suicide, Buses, arithmetic and mining?

JillywinI did some experimenting with graphics in the hope that Corel and Serif would let me and not crash too often – Tsk!

Managed to get some effects done on a Graphic of Jilly from Australia who is on the TFZ Facebook page.

Then I tried doing some of the same original in CorelPaint Pro 6.

There are some newer options on this programme and it took me ages try each one to see if I could come up with one that seemed a bit different but got there in the end.

Jill dressR3I was reasonably satisfied with the last one.

It looked like it could be a postage stamp.

So I developed the theme in Coreldraw9 and tried to make it look like one for a bit of fun.

Jillywin2I liked it, hope Jilly and the others do?

IMG_0155

Nosh of the Month up to now – Mmm!

Made and then devoured me nosh;

Lamb-shank in Rosemary and Mint gravy, peas, potatoes along with an ice-cream and citrus cake bar.

Twas wonderful and tasty.

I can still taste the lamb with its herb gravy now – but feel a tad guilty about the poor sheep.

Fell  asleep for hours – waking up confused again as to what day and time it was again!

Took me medications very late, but I dare not miss another Warfarin dose.

Brother-in-law Pete emailed to meet me at 0930hrs in the morning at his bus-stop in town and he’ll take me on a mystery tour?

I emailed confirmation back then rang him. He was on the bed with the cats.

Had a good shave to save time in the morning.

Anne Gyna calming down nicely now.

Did this update.

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Inchies Ode to his District Nurses Visit

IMG_0263

I’ll tell yers this tale, un I’ll do it in verse,

About the last visit from me District Nurse,

I was waiting for to arrive and me arthritis got worse,

After I’d convince me knees, wot I had to coerce,

To let me up – sudden pain I cursed!

I sat down quickly – on me bum cheeks I had to purse,

I thought me bum’s blind-boil I had burst,

The pain was like lighting and a thunder-burst,

She soon injected me, smiling, looking perverse,

I said thank you, and she drove off in her hearse.

I’ve got another visit tonight – 2 a day… I could curse!

IMG_0261

Hey-Ho!

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Three-Year-Old Remains Of ‘Serial Blogger’ Found In London Flat

skeleton

Does anyone know if I ever made it to Freshly Pressed?”

Now, before reading this one, please be advised that this skit is broad satire at its most ludicrous. I mean to say, anyone who would entertain such a far-fetched scenario as depicted in this tragic tale is clearly one bland, populist blog short of a mention on Freshly Pressed. Right?

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!better-dead-than-never-read/c1fyh

WARNING: May contain traces of the God’s honest truth.

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HARRY STOTTLE – THE DRINKING MANS PHILOSOPHER!

aristotle_law_pint_glass
“Watcha H nice to see you propping up the bar again – you’ve been a tad under the weather I’ve heard say?”

“Bloody right I have Landlord. First cause of my ailment was that some twat sneezed in me face in Lidl’s; next the germs past onto moi to incubate over a few days; then the manifestation of the commencement of a flu like virus by way of a sneeze and the final cause a head full of snot and a blinding fucking headache and temperature. I have truly had enough on the old causation front I can tell you!”

“Christ that was a stroke of misfortune H. Anyway the boys were actually hoping you had a bit of new philosophy to lay on them thus giving them a little food for thought twixt knocking back lager and the chucking of a few arrows. I suppose you don’t feel up to it right now?”

“On the contrary Landlord for I was overwhelmed with identifying the main factors in the process of potential realization whilst taking a swift Jimmy Riddle only a moment ago.”

“Oh yeah – spit it out then H. Gather round chaps H has got a new one for us.”

GLUG, SHUFFLE, SHUFFLE A BIT MORE…..SLURP, GLUG……SILENCE

“Right here we go, ‘The grape is mightier than the hop yet no match for the grain.’ How’s that then?”

“Blinder H, absolute blinder. Crikey I’ll be dining out on that little gem. Nice one. That’s right up there with last week’s one, remember, ‘The roots of lager are bitter, but the slurp is sweet.’ Don’t know how you do it I really don’t.”

“It’s a gift mate even though I say it myself. By the way has that twat Sid Harthur been in spouting off during the term of my recent absence? Can’t stand the bloke personally.”

“The thing is H he don’t speak too kindly of your good self and yes Sid was here the other dinner time giving the boys a brief précised version of his eightfold paths to enlightenment if you must know. I do however think that the guidelines for following a virtuous life was lost on them as it was ‘Topless Barmaid Wednesday’ and they were, to a man, pissed to the gunnels and as voyeuristic as common decency allows.”

“Good. Why don’t you just bar him for we really don’t want his sort in here do we?”

“Difficult one that H. You see I’ve spent a shed load on the green tea he knocks back and if I bar him I’m going to be stuck with it. Can’t see you favouring girlie green tea over the manly Germanic lagers you slip down.”

“Suppose I’ll have to put up with the tosser then. As I have often said myself, ‘No great lager has ever existed without a touch of green tea.’”

“How very true H; how very true – did you get that one boys?”

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Inchies Old Political graphics

Osb06a

Camcash

 

Osb07

Ode3

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