LOMM News!

drinkinggaz-weight-training

A youthful editor and totally ripped skit writer pictured in training for The London Drinkathon last night

Fabricated and read in a posh BBC accent by Gary “Our Man in the Basement” Hoadley

Edited and copied and pasted with bits of curry sauce on by Clivey “He’s just a kid!” Dee, 19.

Earlier today, Mr Albert Cress, from Bethnal Green, in East London, was found dazed and confused wandering around Roman Road Market. Paramedics were called and quickly established that Mr Cress had spent the entire day sunbathing in Weaver Fields, a popular place for vegans and people with no homes to go to.

Paramedic, Virginia Ham OBE, said;

“Mr Cress was in an awful state, he was wilted, very brown and looked terribly limp and dried up”.

It later transpired that Mr Cress had applied salad cream instead of sun cream before going out to the park.

Speaking outside Shoreditch police station where Mr Cress was being beaten mercilessly in the cells, local beat bobby, Officer WPC Collation, advised;

” Evenin’ all! When you is sunbaving, an you uses der salard cream, first you ‘as to make sure, yur feet, are in wartar. Evenin’ all!”

Disclaimer: No gay people were married during the writing or editing of this skit…or if they were, they didn’t tell us about it, the sneaky buggers.

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CHURCHILL ADVICES THE FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON THAT ‘THE WALLS HAVE EARS’

ears

“I say Carruthers I’ve just had a pie and a pint with Winnie. We were discussing the plans for the D Day landings in Northern France when apropos nothing he punched me in the guts and whispered, ‘Be careful you moron the walls have ears.’ Can you believe it – I didn’t then and still haven’t now a bleddy clue what he was on about! What do you make of it – I mean there is no way on God’s earth that walls can have ears. It’s all gobbledegook to me.”

“Sorry old chum I’m as baffled as you. Had Winnie been on the tilt? You know what he’s like when he’s had a couple over the eight. He was probably orf in cloud cuckoo land again.”

“Possible yet I think not as we only had a couple of beers and he seemed sober enough to me. Personally I think he’s losing his mind what with the pressure of the war effort.”

“Tell you what I think it might be. You are aware that Winnie does a bit of painting down in deepest Kent at his Chartwell estate. A hobby I’m told. I’m thinking here that maybe he is a fan of that Picasso chappie the artist from the Spanish Civil War. He paints those rather childish scribblings with odd things like ears and suchlike in them. It has to be that.”

“I do believe you have nailed it on the head there. Yes that will be it. Anyway shall we take an early bath today? What about a snifter down at Heinrich’s German Beer Emporium. We can discuss the highly secret plans for the Allied invasion in some depth in the privacy of that establishment.”

“Good plan.”

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Gay Soldier Discovered In British Army

drag queen
The head of Britain’s armed forces pictured in grim uncompromising mood last night.
****************************************
Written with a pronounced mincing gait by Corporal Gary “Mavis” Hoadley
Edited in an extremely manly fashion by “Iron” Clivey Dee, 19.
 
 
 
The whole fabric and tradition of the British Army was in turmoil today, when it was announced that a gay soldier had been found amongst the ranks of the finest fighting force in the world.
 
Major Arnold Limpy, the Armed Forces Press Officer said;
“The news has spread fast amongst the lower ranks and it has caused much upset and bewilderment that such a person has been serving his Queen and country while parking his bike in the back alley”.
 
Chief of Staff, Brigadier General Sir Johnny Rotten, led the hunt for the gay soldier after a tip-off from a hairdresser in Aldershot.
 
“I contacted the SAS and asked their top intelligence officer to find this bum bandit and bring him to book, I’m not having some limp-wristed pansy playing soldiers in my army! I dread to think what he has been doing in the showers?!”
 
SAS Intelligence Officer, Sgt Hue Lewie, however, indicated that he was not altogether happy with the arrest of this soldier. “Err, well, he is sort of, one of the most highly decorated men in the history of the British Army”
 
“When we arrested him at his house, he came to the door dressed in women’s clothing and a blond wig. Despite explaining he had been rehearsing for the children’s hospital pantomime, our commanding officer shot him. “
 
The Government issued the following statement last night:
 
“Britain’s armed forces are the finest in the world and we do not discriminate against race, colour or creed. However, we do draw the line at taking on poofs and lezzers.”

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Inchcock: It’s been a Funny Old Life… Part 4 Updated

IBAFOL4

It’s been a Funny Old Life… Part 4

GCPram

It started getting confusing, when I was born,
To mother I was unwanted, a bit of a thorn,
So she kept running off, not that it made me mourn,
I thought at first it was due to me, and felt forlorn,
Then the Police called to see her one morn,
Regarding a Christmas club funds being overdrawn,
But she’s gone hours earlier at the break of dawn!
~
The chase was on, thus her reputation did aggrandise,
They caught her 9 months later, and believed her lies!
Dad took her back in, even I saw that was not wise,
Things kept disappearing, before our very eyes,
She was repeatedly off again, someone else to victimise,
Everyone she conned liked her, hard to realise,
They just trusted her, and that was very unwise!
~
Many callers over the years wanting to know where she’d went,
Loan sharks after money they had foolishly lent,
Lawyers, Window cleaners, neighbours giving vent,
Bookmakers, grocers even cobblers where she had overspent,
All seeking recompense to some extent,
Disappointed and sad they were as they went!
~
When I was fourteen, I started work and earned some cash,
She was back in our midst, quick as a flash!
Of the massive £3.3s.3d a week I earned, not balderdash,
She only charged me £2 for board, I was taken abash!
Shame she nicked me clothes, LP’s and any spare cash!
It didn’t matter where I tried to hide me stash,
She always found it – and flogged it quick as a flash!
~
Finally, many years later, she was up before the beak,
Conning the judge and jury whenever she did speak,
She walked from court without giving a single pique,
A richer woman, new flat with rent paid every week,
No compensation to pay, Gas paid and benefits increased,
Went straight to the bookmakers tongue-in-cheek,
Bet on the second favourite, that won by a streak!
~
But despite all her misdemeanour’s, and folks she did screw,
Those she’s conned lent her more money, yours truly too!
Gave her furniture, money to pay for her electricity, it’s true,
Despite her utility bills being paid by benefits she did accrue!
Crime doesn’t pay? It did for one, I can tell you!
~
Yet fond memories remain of those bitter days,
Of Mother and her strange odd ways,
She was much loved by waifs and strays,
She’s give them 6d of her last shilling in many ways,
Just a shame the shilling was nicked… oh happy days!
When I snuff it and join her in heavenly haze,
I’ll bet she’ll have conned the Krays!

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Inchcock: It’s Been a Funny Old Life – Part 3

Nochead

As an ankle-snapper I had a skinny physique,

In fact they knicknamed me ‘The Pipsqeak’,

When Mam was at home, times were bleak,

She and Dad shouted and fought, they didn’t speak,

She rarley stayed home for more than a week,

To the outside loo, if one wanted a leak,

Getting the tin bath off the yard wall every week,

Demanded a certain safety-first technique.

Drag it into the front room in front of the fire,

Clean it up with bleach and a pad of wire,

Heating up water in kettles & pans was dire,

The use of the fire and stove I’d aquire,

To keep the bath topped up as Dad did require.

After several top-ups Dad would retire,

Then t’was my turn in the cold water in front of the fire!

Dry missen off with the wet towel Dad had used,

Bath back on’t wall ready fer it to be reused,

Out to the coal-house while Dad snoozed,

Chopped wood brought in coal, getting bruised,

Laid the fire for the morning – felt abused!

Life was how it was, so why feel sad or blue?

No hot running water, fridge or TV it’s true,

Tableclothes? The Evening newspaper would do,

Lighting the gas-lamps was risky too,

When Pennies in the meters were due…

Mam had some arcade coins, one or two!

No toilet paper for our out-side loo,

Cut-up newspaper for wiping: the memories ooh!

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Government Outlines Plans to Tax The Dead

skeleton
                                                       “Death and Taxes eh folks?”
********************************************************************
Dead funny script by Gary Hoadley. 
Taxing and Editing by Clivey Dee, 19. (deceased)
 
 
 
The Government has announced that dead people will, in future, have to pay Value Added Tax (VAT) on the amount of time it takes them to decompose.
 
Under the terms of the proposed plan, every person that dies after Wednesday 5th January 2016, will pay a VAT accredited tax levy on the time it takes for their entire body to become compost.
 
Minister for the Environment, Wincy Willis, said it was a great idea because poor people are taking far too long to rot away and that meant little or no room for more house building. 
 
Prime Minister, David Cameroon defended the new tax, saying; “My government and I feel, that poor people take longer to decompose because the cheap food they eat contains so many preservatives. The poor decompose 80% slower than rich people. In real terms, this means we cannot build more houses because the poor are causing a hold up on the cemetery’s”.
 
Finance secretary, Glenda Pound, outlined the costing of the new levy and how the payment method would only penalise the poor.
 
“When a person dies, they will be weighed and measured. The results will be calculated and a designated decomposition clerk will be assigned to the deceased. The clerk will then determine how long the rotting process will take.
 
“At the end of each year, the clerk will decide if that person has decomposed enough to be made into compost. Should the rotting process end before the allotted time, that dead body will get a rebate which will be paid into the government’s private bank account.
 
“So, if person A weighs 10 stone and is 5’6″, that is a calculation of 5 years of rotting, at £50 per annum. We have also introduced a contingency plan, so that if a dead person cannot pay because they are poor, the body will be left at the roadside on a council estate and their next of kin evicted and jailed until the amount due is paid in full
 
The proposed bill is expected to go through The House of Lords next week.

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There Now Follows an Inexplicable, Eerie Silence From The “I’ve Quit Bloody WordPress” Party

And now here’s the intensely irritating, time-consuming weather forecast for the week ahead…

Clivey

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The Village Idiot.

 borisidiot
                        Spot the difference.
 
 
Told with remarkable insight by Gary Hoadley
The village idiot has been recognised as a legitimate occupation since the thirteenth century.
Edward the first (Longshanks) sent his own idiot, John Major, to Scotland with a mocking message for William Wallace, however, the idiot presented the verbal insult to King Gruffudd of Wales.
 
Since that day to this, the slight has never been forgiven and the two nations still spit at each other.
 
In 1555 Nostradamus wrote; “come the millennium, month 12, in the home of the greatest power, the village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader”. If one is to believe the great man, and I do, our Prime Minister is the descendant of a village idiot. The correlation speaks for itself.
 
So the next time you are passing through a village and you stop to ask for directions, don’t laugh at the square head jug-eared boy leaning on the farmers gate, he could be the next Prime Minister.
 
Village idiots have been known to travel extensively from their home, mainly because they get lost. Such is the case of London’s current Idiot, and Old Etonian, Boris Johnson: 
Born in New York – yes, I didn’t believe it at first – He was sent out to buy a quart of milk and ended up living beside the River Thames in Henley, where he had his teeth done and is now Mayor of London. 
 
Sometimes village idiots can become aggressive. Adolf Hitler is a case in point. He was laughed at for wearing a dead slug under his nose but decided to fight back. Unfortunately, so did his detractors. They kicked the shit out of him and his little gang of henchmen, they were never seen again.
 
Some idiots get celebrity status through their antics. Jedward, for instance, have become famous for their lard coated hair and the inane dribble they speak when asked to comment on serious issues.
 
Oh, and the crap music they allegedly sing, or rather, mime to when given a packet of Smarties.
 
There are circumstances when a village idiot can have a flash of genius. Walter Bink invented the “Waterproof Sponge” He was snapped up by ICI and then locked up by the scientific community.
 
Other idiot inventors include Harry Pinto “Garlic flavoured Listerine” Wendy Field “Milk grater” Marcus Flume “Thermal Sun Hat” David Benton “Diabetic Ex-Lax” and last but not least Mr Dan O’Neill for inventing “Muzak” your favourite and mine while waiting in a lobby or broken elevator.
 
Disasters such as the “Great Fire of London” were caused by the village idiot. In the early hours of Sunday the 2nd of September 1666, Baker, Thomas Faynor asked idiot, Gordon Ramsey to mind the shop while he went out for a cough and a drag. Ramsey, who happened to be passing by with a box of fireworks in his rucksack, agreed and placed his bag on top of the oven. In typical idiot fashion, he was distracted by a group of men playing piss up the wall, and wandered off. The rest is history.
 
If you wish to become a village idiot and think you may have the qualifications, please apply to their head office at the following address: 10 Downing Street London SW1A 2AA England.

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CYRUS RAMSBOTTOM’S ATTEMPTED ASCENT OF THE NORTH FACE MRS DEARSTALKER’S SHED!

shed

“Well young Cyrus today’s the today son.” 

“What’s that then Dad?” 

“Surely you’ve not forgotten lad – today you will attempt to reach what is thought locally to be the highest point in our flood plain village of Dinglethorpe namely the north face of Mrs Dearstalker’s garden shed no less! It stands at nearly four metres and remember no one has ever conquered its summit by the northern route previously so ready yourself Cyrus boy for today is your day to achieve accolades and plaudits of both your contemporaries and elders alike. The ascent commences at noon and you will need to check to ensure your equipment is in appropriate condition for such a dangerous escapade and that you have sufficient provisions for what could well be a lengthy climb. And remember only a fool takes unnecessary risks.” 

“Oh but Dad I were going to village pond with the rest of the lads to hunt sticklebacks today – can’t we do the shed another time?” 

“Cyrus, Cyrus, Cyrus we’ve been waiting weeks for ideal weather conditions such as we have this very day. This is a window of opportunity not to be scoffed at – and besides I’ve already purchased for you a veritable sufficiency of freshly sliced Kendall Mint Cake to feed an army.” 

“But you know I’ve got vertigo Dad – that’s why you bought the bungalow. You do recall that don’t you Dad?” 

“Vertigo my arse Cyrus – there’s no such thing. Right then let’s go through the check list. Climbing harness – ROGER THAT; helmet – ROGER THAT; boots – ROGER THAT; a handy nut tool – ROGER THAT; quickdraws – ROGER THAT; rope, nuts and hexes – ROGER THAT; slings, plus of course a few screwgate carabiners – ROGER THOSE.” 

“No one says ‘ROGER THOSE’ Dad – it’s always ‘ROGER THAT’” 

“True, you’re right should I start the check list again?” 

“Nay, don’t bother with that Dad and anyway won’t I need a handy guidebook Dad?” 

“Good thinking son – every mountaineer must have a handy guidebook about their person.” 

“Where we going to get a handy guidebook Dad?” 

“Ah you’ve got me there boy.” 

“Can I go and hunt the sticklebacks in the village pond then Dad – you know until we can get ourselves a handy guidebook charting the best passage to the summit?” 

“Um……..you’ve got me thinking now lad…….yes it would be highly irresponsible of me to let you embark on such a dangerous venture not fully prepared. Sadly Cyrus – and I do hope you won’t be overly distressed the mission must be aborted on this occasion. Apologies son, I know the acquisition of a handy guidebook was my responsibility.” 

“No matter Dad I’ll be back for me supper – catch up with you later.”

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Diary of Inchy W/E Sun 21 June 2015: Poor Old Twit!

Monday 15th June 2015

IMG_0144Got some kip in last night at last – broken up with waking in pain everytime I twisted wrongly or moved – Tsk!

A strange band of cloudless sky on the horizon this morning?

Made a cuppa.

IMG_0145Laptop on and set about doing me posts for the League of Mental Men on Wodpress.

Took me medications.

After a few hours I’d got them done and dusted like.

Then some progress with me trying to learn how to get out of the Windows page on the new laptop! I found a page on Google search that informed me: Press Windows icon + D to exit – it works! Hurrah!

Finished yesterday’s Diary and got that posted.

Did some Facebooking and enjoyed that.

Decided to marinate me beans for later. Tried a slightly different recipe this time:

Nature Camping & Hiking - Postcard - Large

I hope it comes out alright. I plan to have some bacon and sausage with it – and wholemeal bread of course.

I think the shoulder is starting to get better, as the urge to scratch it is getting harder to resist.

The sore throats getting no better, but the voice is.

Started doing this diary up.

Got a good wash and scrub-up, and left for the surgery, feeding the pigeons en-route.

I arrived and booked missen in with the receptionist lassie.

The nurse came and collected me – she has always reminded me of a Nazi concentration camp leader yer know. (Only joking – honestly)

By the time we’d walked to her surgery, about 20 seconds – she had made me aware that: She is only allowed seven minutes with each patient – I was to hurry and get me things off for her to do me INR test and I must not keep on gaining weight! (Didn’t know I had?)

She talked her way through the procedure and told me to hold the cotton wool on the vein she’d just used to extract a bit of blood from.

As she was inputting things on the computer I bravely told her about the receptionist cancelling me CHD checks and making it for the next day along with me stitches to be taken out appointment.

She gleefully changed all the appointment around and made one pro-tem one for me.

Thursday 18 June – Wound dressings to be checked and changed..

Monday 22 June – Pro-Tem INR checks according to todays results when they come back.

Thursday 18 June – Wound dressing to be checked and redone.

Friday 19 June – Clinic to see if the new cortisone injections are working.

Wednesday 24 June – Wound stitches to come out. Oh joy!

Thursday 2 July – CDH starvation-health checks to be done.

A stiff lecture about not doing anything too physical and I was bundled out of the door. Leaving them a bag of nibbles on me way out.

IMG_0147Wandered down to Lidl and had a look around. Got two lemon cheesecakes, a tin of potatoes and a lemon curd yoghurt.

As I left to walk back, I observed a group of four yobboes lurking near the cut-through again, so I took the long route avoiding contact with them.

Better safe than sorry I thought.

Got in and stirred me marinading beans, WC’d and made a cuppa.

Then got totally lost trying find out why the laptop had started asking for passwords when it started? And also failed to find a way of stopping it doing so. Another two hours wasted. Huh!

Took some stuff out to the bins and regretted doing so when the wound played up.

IMG_0148Put the medical appointment on me Google diary, so they should show up on me windows mobile?

Made me nosh and devoured it!

Sat up to avoid catching me wound to read me book and….

The cramps came on suddenly – Ooooh, argh…. eeck! followed by an elongated earrrrggghhh! when I twisted withpain and caught be wound… ah-well.

Did a bit of Facebooking.

TTFN all.

Tuesday 16th June 2015

Yee-haaa – got some sleep in last night without waking up too often too! Oddly I have no traces of any dreams in my mind?

The cramps in the legs I got last night were still there occasionally for a while throughout the morning. Huh!

The stinging from the wound seemed a bit less this morning. (Until I caught it on the wall when I lost me balance putting me socks on – Tsk!)

Made a cuppa and laptop started. Took me medications.

Sent some happy birthday messages out while I thought of it like, in case on the day I’m under anaesthetic or something like that. Debbie Taylor’s birthday on Thursday – I hope it all goes happily smoothly and is fun for her.

Should get me second Tesco delivery today and then I have to meet Steve from Age UK at the flats to view them. I haven’t heard anything back from the Guinness people yet about me application for the home at Colville Court yet? Don’t bode well does it? I’m not looking forward to the treck up Winchester Street though.0703

Hell of a struggle getting up that damned hill. Although during the day there is a local mini-bus that runs every so often into the flats and around the other streets eventually getting to into town.

I’m not too keen on the thought of moving there even if I get accepted. The place smells a bit off like, tobacco and alcohol fumes lingered when I visited it the other week, along with a strange sweet smell I could not identify? But Steve wanted to have a look so he can gain some knowledge on them for other old folk he helps.

Tesco delivery came on time. I got an email later telling it it was delayed?

IMG_0150The pack of ten quick cook sausages that could be done in the microwave arrived, I got two packs as they were on offer from £2.50 down to £1 each pack but only for a limited time like. Little bargain hunter me!

Could not resist putting a couple in the microwave oven and trying them.

IMG_0151They looked good, smelt good and didn’t taste too bad at all.

But I would never pay full price for them.

Rating: 7/10

Couldn’t put the stuff away properly so just got frozen in the freezer and fresh in the fridge, others left in bags all over the shop – Tsk!

The throat and voice are still bad, started coughing and sneezing too now. Oh dear!

Did some Facebooking while I waited to get ready for me walk into Sherwood and up that flipping hill to the flats to meet Steve.

0704Steve phoned, he’s going to ring the Guinness Trust to see if we call view the flat today. He’ll get back to me.

I noticed when I Googled it on Street view, they had a To Let sign up – but of course I don’t know when the scene was taken?

IMG_0152Set off on me walk to Woodthrorpe to meet Steve.

In St Johns graveyard was a  woman with her five dogs playing ball. Very respectful I thought that.

Plodded onto and up Mansfield Road – nice weather and very little wind today.

IMG_0153Several Nottingham Pavement cyclists encountered en-route… again!

Into Sherwood and up to Winchester Street and set off up the hill of hills.

As I slowly made me way up, I looked down a side
street, Cavendish Vale I think it was, and got a view of one of the high-Rise blocks of flats, Woodthorpe Court I think, that I was on me way to have a IMG_0157look at.

The last part of the hike was not easy as the roadway got a lot  steeper as I approached the flats.

I arrived and sat on a bench reading me book to await the arrival of Steve from Age UK.

He arrived and we a chat about things related to me failed home-hunting for a while.

We went over and met Susan the lady from City Homes and she told us there was one double bedroomed flat in Winchester Court, and one single in Woodthorpe Court that I could make a ‘Bid’ for.

IMG_0158a

Woodthorpe Court

We had a look at the double, and it was in a right state. Then we moved to Woodthorpe Court to have a look at the single flat on the 16th floor of the 19 floor complex.

I liked the layout of the kitchen, and the views, although all obscured a tad by the Anti-pigeon netting, were amazing.

After talking with Steve he decided I should put in a bid for the flat and Susan said she would do it for me later in the day.

Steve agreed I should still have a look at the Guinness flats at Colville Court. Although I have heard nothing back from them – Steve said he would phone them and see what the situation was and if we could visit to see them. He’ll let me know later.

Steve went off, he offered to give me a lift home but the wound on me back made me than him but decline his offer.

Walked home, took longer than I thought it would.

IMG_0158Had me nosh of baked spuds, tomatoes, Marmite cheese, BBQ chicken and microwave sausages.

The mind was reeling.

So tired and confused.

Soon nodded off I think.

04hWednesday 17th June 2015

Got a decent kip in last night – which is good ’cause I was well shattered!

I realised I’d missed off one of me Whoopsiedangleplops from yesterdays diary, here it is:

CityRain

f1The Orange X is where I caught the L 8 bus at the flats thinking it went to the City Centre, it is also where I got off the bus after it did its anti-clockwise circular route back to the flats!

So I walked back to Carrington instead.

Later I found out there was another bus, an L9 that does go to town from the flats, but only one an hour, Mon to Fri from 0933 t0 1633hrs, Saturdays only four buses between 1031 and 1630hrs and none on s Sunday – not very good for getting about then from these flats?

Took me medications with some orange juice and did a bit of Facebooking.

The shoulder/back is still sore but I think less so than yesterday.

Got to stay in today, in case Steve from Age UK calls with any news about the Colville Court flats, and I can make me way to meet him quicklyish if viewing possible today – if I go out sometimes I cannot hear the mobile ringing with traffic or any noise about me.

Started this diary off on the new laptop when I got down, and made a cuppa.

Thought of feeding the pigeons but they were outnumbered by the preying cats under all the cars.

Did some graphicalisationing – the Steve rang.

He’s kindly arranged for us to go to see the flats tomorrow – he’ll ring about 1200hrs to let me know the time to meet him there.

Now I can get missen washed and brushed up and go to Morrison’s see if they have owt appealing, must not buy owt I don”t need though. (Oh yes you say, we’ve heard that before?)

So, no longer housebound – I abluted and set off for the bus to town and get another bus out to Morrison’s.

IMG_0159The City centre was busy when I arrived.

Walked around the corner and waited for a number 5 or 8 bus out to Gamston’s Morrison shop.

I love me free pensioners bus-pass!

The wind was getting up a tad on the way as I noticed the trees a-blowing in it like.

IMG_0160twisted wrongly or moved – Tsk!

Arrived at the store and set off to look for the Walls BBQ sausages on offer from £2.50 down to £1.

Found them and took the last four packs from the freezer.

As I came out the wind was even worse, and just managed to miss the bus.

Still one came along 15 minutes later.

I’d bought only light stuff along with the sausages so as not to risk pulling on me wound. Marmite Crisps and Oddities bikkies.

Back to ttown and caught bus to Carrington.

Enroute me phone made a noise and I checked it – a message from the Surgery confirming me 15.45 appointment tomorrow to have me wound cleaned and re-IMG_0162plastered. This caused me some concern, because the hand written note on me card looked like 13.45… oh dear.

So I called in the GP surgery (Getting like a second home this is – wonder if they might put me up? Hehe!) to confirm the time. It is 1545hrs.

When I came out the wind was really belting at a pace.

IMG_0163Back to the pit and changed the time of this appointment on me diary.

Decided tonight would be sausages in tomatoes that I added oregano, basil and Rosemary too.

Hope it tastes alright?

It were grand it was. Rated it 8.5/10.

Them new sausages are marvellous!

Bit of bother with the haemorrhoids bleeding when I woke up after 15 minutes kip. Soon cleaned missen up and nodded off again.

TTFN all.

Thursday 18th June 2015

Woke around 0420hrs – really tried to remember the dreams I’d had, but only vague bits came to me. Something about being chased by women in an abandoned office block?

When I moved to answer the call to the porcelain I noticed the pain from the wound was a lot less – that’ll soon be put to rights by the Obergruppenfurher Practise nurse this afternoon mind, when she rips off the dressing cleans the wound and applies another dressing?

Some blood from the haemmoroids this morning. The sore throat was rampant still, the voice sounded a bit better to me, less croaky. The angina and arthritis was calm and passive. The duodenal ulcer no bother. The reflux valve beahaving itself nicely. Little Inch not bleeding, although the lesion seems to be widening? And, yesterday I had only one dizzy spell. Things looking good… perhaps I shouldn’t have said that?

Made a cuppa and took me medications, put the water heater on. Then strted this old laptop to finish and post yesterdays Inchcock Today.

Then did an extra post in rhyme (Of sorts) about me flat hunting recently and got it done.

Then made a funny post about life when you get old like.

Had a wash and brush-up.

Then went down and made another cuppa and got the new laptop on to do the graphics for them and get it posted.

Susan from Nottingha City Homes rang to confirm she’d put in a bid for me for the 72 Woodthorpe Flat in the high-rise block. She said she’d ting me back wit the result.

IMG_0170I set off on me walk to Colville Court to meet Steve.

I’d only got about 5oo yeards and the mobile rang. It stopped before I could answer, it was from Susan. During the walk I rang back 23 times, unfortnately all I got on each call was three beeps and no connection?

I waited outside the complex fro 15 minutes for Steve to arrive – during which a pillock on an illegal mini-motorbike kept belting by as his continually ran around the block. It was at this stage I made me mind up not to apply to live there – no point in escaping one set of yobs to find another at the new place?

When Steve arrived we went inside to view some of the flats. I must admit they were goreous, well thought out, and in mint condition, even though a bit more rent than the Council ones. But the local yobs had put me off by then.

I had a chin-wag with Steve and he rand Susan to confirm my interest in the flat at Woodthorpe (Sherwood).

Steve was on holiday next week, but he arranges with Sue for me go and sign the paperwork and sort options out on Monday 29th June, and I was assured it was mine despite the long wait.

My internet contributions will be reduced now, as I have to press on getting things sorted and ready for the move? Please bear with me folks.

Left Steve and walked into town to see if the EE shop could increase my allowance on the sim-card hire. But couldn’t provide them with enough details. I reckon they have een lost in the sorting out process? Oh dear.

Caught the bus home and updated this diary.

Have go in a bit to have me wound cleaned and redressed at the GP surgery.

Hard to say how I feel at the moment – so glad to have got somewhere but unsure if I’ve done the right thing if yer know what I mean.

And so worried about sorting it all out and getting it into order – but Steve will be back on the 29th and will advise and guide me I’m sure.

He said to concentrate on getting stuff I aim to take with me ready for IMG_0162transportation first.

Might treat missen to a lamb shank, potatoes and garden peas nosh tonight. Got to use up the freezer stuff – mind you, I’ve got to use up the dated stuff as well… Oh dear…

Went to see Nurse and was seen to early – all cleaned and re-dressed. I’ve not got to get it wet and to be careful she said, any bleeding and come back to see her. It feels much easier now though – mind you, it was bad.

So I’ll see how I go with starting some sorting again in the morning.

IMG_0172Hobbled back to the dump added this to diary and got me nosh cooking.

Rated 4/10.

The lamb shank was from Tesco. It was not very good, the gravy tastless, the peas (Also Tesco brand) were a tad bitter, but the potatoes (Lidl) were okay.

I was so tired out and soon got me head down after sending an email to PAtti Berkert telling her about the flat. She’s been through so much and is finally getting herself better, and has been such a caring friend. Thanks Patti.

TTFN all.

Friday 19th June 2015

Fri

IMG_0175Woke around 0345hrs.

Coughing and a-wheezing – oh dear!

Put old laptop on and finished and posted yesterdays Diary.

The shoulder is easier than before I had the wound cleaned, so I can get on with some sorting out and shredding later.

There won’t be much recorded today as I’ll be rather busy don’t yer know?

Tesco order coming at noon, hope to bag-up most of the stuff up ready to take with me to the new flat.

Updated DrawPlusx6 and tried to make header in it – no chance!

Made a cuppa and took medications.

WC’d, ‘Little Inch’ bleeding again – and the haemmorhoids too! Huh!

Had a scratch at me dressing on me back – it’s already coming loose! Another Tsk!

IMG_0173Did some Facebooking as I waited for it to get light enough fer me get missen sorted (Damned candles! – only joking).

Got some lovely comments today on WordPress and Facebook.

Me first cuppa went cold so I made another then fed the pigeons at the front door.

IMG_0174Surprisingly only three came down this morning and they were the young ones.

Getting independant now.

Got fully carried away when I got involved in trying to work our serif draw and managed to do a graphic for TFZ’s Lynda Lore. Lsto many more hours trying to remember and work out how I did it in the first place and couldn’t do it again. Tsk!

Got a wash and brush up ready for the delivery and sorting to start – I may regret this?

Tesco delivery came.

Nosh of sausage and bacon sarnies.

So tired now.

TTFN.

Thursday 18th June 2015

04h

Woke around 0520hrs. The little Inch had been bleeding again – cleaned it up.

No memories of dreams at all – just know I had them and didn’t like them.

Got up feeling confused and still tired and got the laptop on.

Replied to some emails and messages then set about starting this diary and realised I’d not made a cuppa!

Put that right and took me morning medications.

Awaited arrival of fodder delivery, and did some shredding while I waited.

Soon had  a big bag of stuff made up for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop.

send.

IMG_0176Set of on a walk into Sherwood with it.

As walked from the flea-pit to Mansfield Road I couldn’t resist taking a photo of the pavement.

I know we have crop-circles all over the world, but Pavement Circles was a new one to me?

It had just stopped raining, but I don’t know if that had anything to do with them?

Odd that, I’ll check next time I poddle that way.

IMG_0177Up the hill and down into Sherwood, up the next hill and on to the Hospice shop at the top of it.

Not many folks or traffic around yet.

Pavement cyclist in abundance in Sherwood, but they were too quick for me photograph em – Swines!

Limped up the Hospice shop and gave them me stuff, and collected me bags from last time.

When I came out, the Nottingham citizenry had IMG_0178awoke and were milling around in great numbers.

Halfway back at the top of the first hill, and no pedestrians about there only traffic.

I decided to walk down a bit further and call at the Lidl shop to get some of their bug bags to use for me sorting IMG_0179later.

I got some funny looks when I queued up with me 10 bags a pint of mike.

Hehehe!

So I took em back to the flea-pit with the two I’d got back from the Nottingham Hospice shop.

Made a cuppa and tool me midday medications.

Had a pot noodle what I got last week cause they were on offer at half price – 50p. Sorry I did now, it wer crap! Eughh!y

Finished of some graphics of Shirley Blamey and Mike Steeden and pt them in their gallery on Facebook. Then sent her them via email.

Feeling guilty I got on with this Diary up to here and then got on with some sorting of me rubbish like… fer several hours!

Well shattered now, poor old thing.

Packed a few bags with kitchen and cleaning stuff, moved the other stuff, made a mess doing it, spilt bird seed all over to join the shredded paper I spilt earlier when trying to pack it into a potato bag.

IMG_0180

Mayhem Pandamonium and Help!

Going to read me book and have summat to nosh now, then take me evening medications.

Tried to ring BJ but he was not answering belss him.

Drained is how I feel really.

Hello, did yer miss me??? The internet connection went down for a few minute then. BT? Huh!

IMG_0181Decided to add the Nosh photo I took earlier – but could not find the camera?

Eventually after an hour I did find it.

Mixed Veg, sausages and potatoes, with Polish brown bread.

Rated: 8.4/10.

Friday 19th June 2015

Fri

IMG_0175Woke around 0345hrs.

Coughing and a-wheezing – oh dear!

Put old laptop on and finished and posted yesterdays Diary.

The shoulder is easier than before I had the wound cleaned, so I can get on with some sorting out and shredding later.

There won’t be much recorded today as I’ll be rather busy don’t yer know?

Tesco order coming at noon, hope to bag-up most of the stuff up ready to take with me to the new flat.

Updated DrawPlusx6 and tried to make header in it – no chance!

Made a cuppa and took medications.

WC’d, ‘Little Inch’ bleeding again – and the haemmorhoids too! Huh!

Had a scratch at me dressing on me back – it’s already coming loose! Another Tsk!

IMG_0173Did some Facebooking as I waited for it to get light enough fer me get missen sorted (Damned candles! – only joking).

Got some lovely comments today on WordPress and Facebook.

Me first cuppa went cold so I made another then fed the pigeons at the front door.

IMG_0174Surprisingly only three came down this morning and they were the young ones.

Getting independant now.

Got fully carried away when I got involved in trying to work our serif draw and managed to do a graphic for TFZ’s Lynda Lore. Lsto many more hours trying to remember and work out how I did it in the first place and couldn’t do it again. Tsk!

Got a wash and brush up ready for the delivery and sorting to start – I may regret this?

Tesco delivery came.

Nosh of sausage and bacon sarnies.

So tired now.

TTFN.

Saturday 18th June 2015

04h

Woke around 0520hrs. The little Inch had been bleeding again – cleaned it up.

No memories of dreams at all – just know I had them and didn’t like them.

Got up feeling confused and still tired and got the laptop on.

Replied to some emails and messages then set about starting this diary and realised I’d not made a cuppa!

Put that right and took me morning medications.

Awaited arrival of fodder delivery, and did some shredding while I waited.

Soon had  a big bag of stuff made up for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop.

send.

IMG_0176Set of on a walk into Sherwood with it.

As walked from the flea-pit to Mansfield Road I couldn’t resist taking a photo of the pavement.

I know we have crop-circles all over the world, but Pavement Circles was a new one to me?

It had just stopped raining, but I don’t know if that had anything to do with them?

Odd that, I’ll check next time I poddle that way.

IMG_0177Up the hill and down into Sherwood, up the next hill and on to the Hospice shop at the top of it.

Not many folks or traffic around yet.

Pavement cyclist in abundance in Sherwood, but they were too quick for me photograph em – Swines!

Limped up the Hospice shop and gave them me stuff, and collected me bags from last time.

When I came out, the Nottingham citizenry had IMG_0178awoke and were milling around in great numbers.

Halfway back at the top of the first hill, and no pedestrians about there only traffic.

I decided to walk down a bit further and call at the Lidl shop to get some of their bug bags to use for me sorting IMG_0179later.

I got some funny looks when I queued up with me 10 bags a pint of mike.

Hehehe!

So I took em back to the flea-pit with the two I’d got back from the Nottingham Hospice shop.

Made a cuppa and tool me midday medications.

Had a pot noodle what I got last week cause they were on offer at half price – 50p. Sorry I did now, it wer crap! Eughh!y

Finished of some graphics of Shirley Blamey and Mike Steeden and pt them in their gallery on Facebook. Then sent her them via email.

Feeling guilty I got on with this Diary up to here and then got on with some sorting of me rubbish like… fer several hours!

Well shattered now, poor old thing.

Packed a few bags with kitchen and cleaning stuff, moved the other stuff, made a mess doing it, spilt bird seed all over to join the shredded paper I spilt earlier when trying to pack it into a potato bag.

IMG_0180

Mayhem Pandamonium and Help!

Going to read me book and have summat to nosh now, then take me evening medications.

Tried to ring BJ but he was not answering belss him.

Drained is how I feel really.

Hello, did yer miss me??? The internet connection went down for a few minute then. BT? Huh!

IMG_0181Decided to add the Nosh photo I took earlier – but could not find the camera?

Eventually after an hour I did find it.

Mixed Veg, sausages and potatoes, with Polish brown bread.

Rated: 8.4/10

Sunday 21st June 2015

Fri

Woke at 0310hrs.

The shoulder wound was really stinging this morning. Might have overdone the sorting yesterday, took an extra painkiller with me morning cuppa and medications.

Couldn’t find the camera so I could finish yesterdays diary with the photo I took of me nosh.

Searched all over – fearing I’d somehow threw it out with the unwanted rubbish. Looked in the bins stretched to get down and started the cancer wound off stinging again (Tsk!), not there.

Looked in me black bags, not there.

An hour later I found it where I first looked for it! Fool! I’d put it back in its karki wallet and was looking for the black camera in me search!

Hey-ho. Got the diary finished and did some Facebooking.

Did some sorting – slowly, the shoulder still hurting badly for some reason since the nurse changed the dressing?

I went back on the laptop and searched City Homes eventually finding confirmation of my being accepted for the flat at Woodthorpe Court.

Confirmed

Feel a bit better now.

Still coughing and a-wheezing mind.

DSCF0030Had me nosh.

Patties curried beans, bacon and sausage. Rated it 7.9/10

Set to sorting, bit of shredding and then felt suddenly had a nasty dizzy-spell, felt drained beyond belief.

Just had to get me head down.

Poor old git!

TTFN folks.

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