LOMM’s Weekend “Spot The Difference” Competition

capone putin

Here’s a clue: One’s a murderous racketeer responsible for countless bloody slayings, and the other one used to live in Chigaco.

Clivey

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Satirical Magazine Raises 3 Million For “Cyber-Bullied” Pensioner.

GCpoorly

Mr Chambers pictured showing his delight at his newly-acquired wealth last night

 

The editor of a largely unknown satirical magazine has revealed that his publication has raised over three million pounds for an elderly man who had been subjected to a sickening campaign of abuse online by heartless cyber bullies. The man in question, Mr Gerald “Inchcock” Chambers, 109, from Nottingham, is said to be delighted with his good fortune and “overwhelmed and humbled” by the largesse of the British public. Speaking from a local doctor’s surgery where he is constantly being treated for a number of ailments, Mr Chambers said:

“I’m absolutely delighted with my good fortune and have been overwhelmed by the largesse of the British public. I’m especially grateful to Soz Satire magazine, and in particular, to the editor, Clivey Dee, 19, who has been so supportive and tireless in his efforts on my behalf. I can’t wait to get my hands on the cash and start making some real improvements to my life. If it wasn’t for Clivey I’d still be getting mugged off on Facebook by people from all over the world. It seemed that every time I wrote something on my timeline, they’d all pile in, calling me a diabolical liberty taker, a mug and a stroke-pulling old bastard. It was hell to be honest and I was within an ace of topping messen on more than one occasion. What can I say, other than, thanks Clivey boy”

Mr Chambers, 205, then broke down as he went on:

“If it wasn’t for Clivey and all his hard work on my behalf I’d still be facing the prospect of living in an inner city hovel and being subjected to vicious online abuse day in day out. Now I’m absolutely quids-in and I can’t thank him enough, I really can’t”

Dee, 16, was unavailable for comment as he is currently on a two year break in the sun-kissed Cape Verde islands where he is overseeing the building of a luxury complex to accommodate himself and around 100 Playboy Bunnies but his chauffeur, Big Gary Hoadley, 90, told us:

“Do want to make a donation to the Inchy fund? If not, fuck off”

If you’d like to contribute as much as you can reasonably afford without having your home repossessed, please send cash or banker’s drafts to:

The Gerald Chambers Appeal

Soz Satire Mansions

Cape Verde

Terms & Conditions: I’m a naive, simpleton with more money than sense and I’m fully prepared to send cash money or to give access to my bank details to some conniving cockney arseole in the mistaken belief that the money will be going to some poor old fucker without a pot to piss in. I’m not a member of a violent gang and do not have access to firearms.

Signed…

Clivey.

 

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Letters To LOMM

Jo Stalin

 

Dear League Of Mental Men

Old People. Pre-chew your food by putting a pair of joke, clattering teeth on your plate at meal times.

Dave Urinal-Mint

Dar-Es-Salaam

*****************************

Dear League Of Mental Men

I’ve noticed that we don’t see much of Princess Diana or The Queen Mother going about their royal duties these days. Surely they could make a bit more of an effort to fly the British flag and boost the people’s moral in these troubled times. Once again it’s a case of Joe Public facing up to all manner of terrorist threats while the cowardly royals skulk behind the bomb-proof walls of their palaces.

HRH Princess Toby Of Millwall Docks

*******************************

Dear League Of Mental Men

What a con these con men are. The other day I was completely conned by one of them.

Marvin Vulva

Brazil

******************************

Dear League Of Mental Men

Busy mums. Make it easier to drag your toddler around the supermarket by nailing banana skins to the soles of its feet.

Barak O’ Bummer

The Isle Of Dogs

Clivey.

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Sir Isaac Newton’s Housebrick

sir isaac

Newton: “I say Svetlana would you mind being ever so kind and pass me a housebrick from my collection aside the bookcase.”

Svetlana (the maid): “Certainly Sir. May I ask which type of said housebrick you favour? For here I note not just the Regency, but also the Brecken Grey, the Brindle, indeed the Ironstone also, plus there’s a couple of jolly fine Breeze Blocks should they take your fancy?”

Newton: “Silly you Svetlana the Breeze Block strictly speaking is not a housebrick as such.  I keep just a couple to neuter cats with as and when. Anyway I think it’s the Ironstone I’m after – nice and sturdy, just what I think I’ll need.  For today Svetlana I shall be adopting the persona of a ruffian in order to put my theory of The Universal Law of Gravitation to the test and it would, I feel, be unseemly should any passers-by detect that I am one of the scientific gentry.”

Svetlana: “How so Sir – if you do not think it impertinent of me in asking?”

Newton: “Not at all girl, not at all. It is simply that should my experiment as regards to The Universal Law of Gravitation prove incorrect I do not wish to become the laughing stock of London – hence the disguise.”

Svetlana: “How exciting Sir. Again if you think me not too forward may I ask exactly how the Ironstone housebrick fits into your experimental plans?”

Newton: “I tell you what Svetlana it is a most lovely autumnal day why don’t you come with me and you can see for yourself.  Simply go change out of your maid’s uniform into your regular cleavage hugging garments and you will be the consummate common wench and, I determine, the perfect foil to me, the scruffy East End ruffian.”

Svetlana: “I do not think it possible for me to leave the mansion this day for there is the leakage to deal with you may recall.”

Newton: “Well try not to laugh, or perhaps just cross your legs if something humorous should smite you thus.”

Svetlana: “Oh Sir, not that sort of leakage. Remember the plumber will be here this afternoon to replace a washer to the hot tap in the bathroom.”

Newton: “Not a problem girl. We should, providing we do not dilly dally, be back for luncheon regardless. Now we best both get changed for the experiment beckons.”

A LITTLE LATER IN THE MILE END ROAD IN EAST LONDON

Svetlana: “Herewith your Ironstone housebrick Sir.”

Newton: “Thank you Svetlana – I do trust the carrying of the brick about your person caused you no discomfort for it had to be kept hidden as there are types in this district who would seek to steal such a fine example of a craftsman’s skills.”

Svetlana: “I must admit to a little chaffing about my person yet other than that nothing. Regardless I was only too pleased to be of assistance to you.”

Newton: “Right then, here we go. I intend to lob the Ironside high into the London skies and will thereafter keep a keen eye as to whether or not it drops back to terra firma thus proving my theory of The Universal Law of Gravitation as an accurate premise.”

NEWTON LOBS THE HOUSEBRICK SKYWARD

Svetlana: “Oh dear Sir the brick having reached its optimum velocity now sits comfortably upon the window sill of Molly Malone’s Whorehouse and Gin Emporium.”

Newton: “Bollocks. Yet at least none of my rivals to prove the theory will know anything of this tragic failure on my part.”

BACK HOME AT NEWTON MANSIONS

Svetlana: “Do not look so troubled Sir. Why not take this packed luncheon I have made you out into the orchard and thus combine taking sustenance whilst soaking in a few rays. I shall await the plumber indoors.”

Newton: “Good thinking girl. I am minded to grab my copy of The London Times also and sit under the shade of one of the apple trees.”

Mike.

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Sadist Surges Ahead In Opinion Poll

danny poster

“Running scared?” Prime Minister, David Cameron, pictured last night. Smudge by “Inchcock”

 

A notorious sadist with convictions for robbery with violence, making threats to kill and assault with a deadly weapon, has registered a shock lead in the latest opinion poll ahead of the forthcoming May general election.

Clivey Dee, aka Danny Soz, an 18 year old satirical magazine editor from East London, is leader of the Lots Of Lashing (LOL) Party  whose political doctrine is based largely on beating people who disagree with their policy of beating people who don’t agree with them.

Speaking from a fully-equipped dungeon beneath the magazine’s office in Whitechapel, East London, Dee told us:

“It’s been a long-held belief of mine that what this country needs is a good, old-fashioned dose of brutality, and these latest poll figures would indicate that I’m not alone in this. In my opinion the sooner we start flogging our detractors to within an inch of their lives the better. My party will set up whipping posts in every town and city throughout Britain so that common criminals, blacks, gays, Eastern Europeans, Americans and other undesirables, can be meted out the summary justice they so richly deserve.

We will also reintroduce the death penalty for the more serious offenders, such as trades unionists, atheists, cross-dressers and Australians. I’m absolutely convinced that only by inflicting acts of extreme violence on certain sections of the community can Britain’s balance of payments be brought under control and peace and tranquility restored to this great nation of ours”

The LOL Party’s closest ideological rival, The United Kingdom Independence Party, issued a defiant statement last night. UKIP leader, Nigel Farage told reporters:

“Soz and his LOL Party cronies are clearly trying to hitch a ride on our coat tails to garner popularity. There can only ever be one party dedicated to persecuting minorities and that’s us. All this talk of flogging the blacks and the incarcerating of political foes is common thuggery to be brutally honest with you, and the first thing I intend to do after winning the election is to have this working class oik and his henchmen beaten bloody with rhino whips and tossed into jail”

The Prime Minister, David Cameron also issued a brief statement from outside 10 Downing Street last night:

“All this talk of beating people is errant nonsense in my view. After all, if people wanted to be subjected to cruel and excessive punishment they’d listen to Justin Bieber records or sit in front of the television watching Homes Under The Hammer”

Clivey

PS. I’ve posted this on here as well as in my spiritual WordPress home, Soz Satire. I did this because I have nothing better to do with my time while I guzzle down tuna sandwiches and mugs of strong tea during my spiritual lunch break. Please don’t think too badly of me or step on my blue suede, steel toe-capped, spiritual workboots.

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Dear LOMM: Understanding Women

01bDear LOMM,

I just can’t understand women at all and would like some advice or tips on whether or not I’m getting the wrong vibes and intuitions please.

Grizelda (My wife like) tells me that I do not give her enough money every fortnight – I tell her I can only give her what the social give me like? Any extra bits of cash I get from flogging me fake Viargra’s and a bit of shoplifting goes towards me alcohol intake.

Grizelda says: “I don’t understand why an addict has to do naughty things like?”

So I tells her straight: “And I don’t understand why you have spend money on cosmetics… cause they sure don’t do owt fer your leather complexion!” Just to lighten the argument you see.

Anyway, when the paramedics arrived she disappeared to put her make-up on and they took me to the A&E like.

I’ll have to finish hear cause the bone-fracture doctor is here now…

Your a broken man, Inchcock

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Inchcocks Security Career True Tales of Woe – Rapid Alarm Response – The Bank Manager’s Activation

Inchcock’s True Security Career Woes

Rapid Response Alarm Officer Inchcock & The night of the Bank Manager’s Home Alarm Activation

0302

I was on Alarm Response and Patrol checks this particular night. Anyone could usually tell when I was on these duties because the amount of alarm activations usually doubled when I was on this roster. Tsk!

About 2345hrs I was in Long Eaton near Derby carrying out one of the regular site checks when I got a call to inform me that an alarm had been activated at a house in North Nottingham. I knew the house as it is on our Patrol list for checks at the weekends, and owned by a bank manager.

I made my way towards Beeston then onto the ring road when I got another call from the controller to advise me that a second activation had been received making it a positive and the Police had been informed, but they told him that “We have no free units to respond, but will do when one is free.”

Nice… very encouraging that.

I arrived at the assignment address about 30 minutes after getting the call. A great big house with two gates and dozens of rooms.

I informed control of my arrival and that no outward signs of intrusion seen at the front and I was going to check the rear of the premises first.

I got the keys and codes from the van safe, locked the van, took a deep breath and walked to the back of the sprawling house.

1220hrs: I moved away from the window and informed control of the suspect on premises situation and he despatched the other patrol officer Darren as back-up support being as the Nottingham Police still had no one to send.

So I waited and observed monitoring for any activity.

I then saw the torchlight in a ground floor window and continued my observing.

Daz arrived asking where is the scum-bag, let’s gerrim…

After we gained entry through the front door and deactivated the alarm

Darren called out “Alright scum-bag, let be X#~♫ having yer… come on give up or my mate will come and get yer…”

I recall thinking ‘Oh no he wont!’

A bloke appeared though a door and came running at us calling out “I’ve called the police… he pulled up short and lowered his mashie niblick when he saw our uniform and the size of Darren… who did not take to be attacked and he belted the chap with left-hook of Henry Cooper quality.

As I was about to challenge Daz on why he clobbered him as it was obvious the chap was not an intruder but the bank manager when the door behind us burst open and the police officers entered, batons drawn and wrestled me an Darren onto the floor and we were hancuffed – I remember a canine officer being displeased with his animal when it licked me on the face when they were getting me up after being handcuffed.

Now we were in a pickle I thought.

Luckily my solver tongue explained what had happened in between my asking then telling Daz to keep quite.

The paramedics arrived and the bank manager was taken away for checks although he seemed alright, was very quiet and didn’t seem to hold any grudge against us?

When the officers and Darren had left, I did a check of the premises for any intruders, I could see the fuse box was open at the cellar head, so assumed that was the reason the torchlight was used? No signs of why the alarm activated were found and it reset without any bother later.

When I checked each room upstairs the third bedroom… well it opened my eyes I can tell yers… A four-poster bed with red and pink adornments, leather straps, handcuffs and a giant plastic prodding fork lay on the bed? Five TV or monitor screens were scattered around the room, and a gigantic mirror on the ceiling! No signs any bodies anywhere though.

Then I informed control all was clear and reset the alarm and secured the premises.

Sat in the van doing the incident report – one of the hardest I’ve ever had to do.

The Barclays bank manager didn’t complain at all – which was puzzling and unexpected, but comforting.

Wonder what he was up to on his own?

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Inchcock: Guarding the Turkey Farm Episode

The Nottingham Lads True Tales of Security Career Woes

Guarding the Turkey Farm Episode

AC001thermI was posted one November, to a farm near Kinoulton in Nottinghamshire, assigned to protect the Turkeys being fattened in time for Christmas – of which many had been nicked by the naughty Nottinghomians.

As usual the assignment instructions were vague and lacking in detail.

When I arrived, it turned out I was required to drive between two location throughout the night, and try to count the Turkeys to ascertain if any had been stolen, and secure the premises and report it if they had.

One site was on the farm, and had 50 birds, the other site was at an old graveyard the farmer had bought, and was using temporarily as a hold for the birds, this one held 38 birds.

I was given an old Land Rover to do the patrols in, and offered the use of a kitchen in an abandoned cottage to get refreshments, and do my ablutions.

The farmer said he would be checking with me regularly throughout the night.

Counting turkeys is not easy.

I found the best way was to creep silently as possible up on them, and count them from a distance. Once they were disturbed, it was all but impossible to count them.. and the noise!

On about my third visit to the graveyard site, I could count only 49 birds, so I radioed in with the details, and parked under a tree to observe the site for a while in case anyone was still on site or might return for more birds.

I counted them again after about half an hour – and found there were now 50 birds!

Confused, I was determined to sort out this anomaly, and again counted them, 49 this time!

I entered the gate, and disturbed the noisy birds, in an effort to assess just how many there were. As I was doing this, the owner arrived and we did a count together – there were 49 again this time!

He joined me in the Land Rover to observe the site. He offered me a drink of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey from his quarter bottle. Tempted as I was, I had to refuse.

He told me that he too had found different counts during the same day.

We entered the fenced off graveyard once again to count them, and that was when I saw the mausoleum top, and broken down door in it!

The Turkeys had been going down into the vault, making the count vary!

The farmer was well pleased, and we drove back to the farmhouse, and he fed me with bacon, eggs, and home baked bread, with a strong cup of tea! Thanked me again for sorting it out, and was very happy.

AC02I returned the next night for my duties and checked the mausoleum gates and doors first – and detected some movement in the darkness from the top of the mausoleum, being fit and foolish in those days (Nowadays I’m just foolish) I climbed up onto the top, RT in hand and found two turkeys clambering around.

I was relieved that it wasn’t an intruder, but puzzled as to how they managed to get up there – and how was I to get them down again…?

As I stood there pondering about these things a solution came all on its own accord…

The roof collapsed and me and the turkeys were transported downwards landing inside the building… When the dust had settled I made out the shape of the farmer as he stood over me.

I was no longer in favour I could tell, then as I tried to stand up the coffin I was unknowingly standing on disintegrated… the farmer was no longer happy.

Not one of my best nights in the Security industry that…

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Inchies Week of Woe – Haemorrhoids, Flatulence, INR low, Whoopsiedangleplops and Arthritic antics…

Monday 16th February 2015

I didn’t get to sleep for yonks last night despite me exhausting walk wot I took to the Arboretum yesterday.

Woke up well tired still.

WC’d.

No tablets to take due to me error in taking me morning lot last night… confusing meself now.

Laptop on to finish and post yesterdays Diary and started this one.

Thought through me tasks for the day:

QMC INR level tests at the haematology department. Must get the nibbles packed up for the nurses, Record-card already in crossword book in bag.

Meet Pete at noon at his bus-stop.

Get back and sort things for the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop and take them in.

Got myself cleaned, medicated and polished and set off for the walk into town.

Oh boy shiver me timbers and cor blimey governor was it raining? Is the Pope a atholic? It was belting down!

I had a ponder for a while: Should I get a bus into town and pay £2.50 for the pleasure? (It was well too early to use me pensioners bus-pass). Or should I risk walking and hope the rain eases a bit?

I decided to risk it as well as keeping Arthur Itis’s joints moving thought it a good idea.

0101wetWhatta-mistaka-to-maker!

I was well wet within a few hundred yards of me walk – the rain had started to fill me bag, (Luckily the nurses nibbles were well wrapped up in an Icleland carrier bag) me new shoes were leaking, and halfway up the hill the floodwater was unavoidable by the buses and several unpleasant drenchings took place.

I just hoped that the rain would not get through me new coat into me mobile phone and/or camera.

Out of desperation I used me Pound Shop umbrella, that dripped (Obviously) into me bag, down me already soaked legs and me shoes like.

I squelched on into town and caught a bus out to the hospital within minutes.

Getting from that bus into the hospital (About 400yds) through the torrent of rain that decided to come down as I got off the bus was not nice. I got in though the entrance to the foyer area and had to shake off as much rain as I could before going in proper, as did many others.

Me poor old tweed Andy-Cap was absolutely drenched and I decided not to take it off cause I knew from experience that putting it back on again would be farcical.

I got to the haematology and only one person was there and I was in, gave them their nibbles, blood taken and out in a matter of ten minutes tops.

The rain had eased a lot when I came out and crossed over the road to catch a bus into town to meet Pete.

When I arrived in town I realised that it was far too early to wait for Pete in the rain and rang him to see if he could come any earlier – as I didn’t fancy going back to the bomb-site then coming out again to get re-soaked. He said no, he’d see me at the agreed time and I should go in a cafe for a cuppa and wait.

Fair enough I said. But no way was I gong into a cafe for a cup of so called tea… have you ever found one that served tea that didn’t taste like warm brown distilled water?

0102JI was outside Jessops department store so thought I’d go in and have a wander around in the dry and warmth. I went up to the top floor and started working me way down nosing at things and pretending I could afford them like.

0103JThey had some artwork on sale but nothing that attracted me, not my style really – apart from one piece that is of a stone built cottage in the hills of somewhere or other that I thought was a decent effort, a very decent effort… then I saw the price of it… £120 (USD$184.45, CAD$229.98, AUD$237.17 Euro€161.74, JPY ¥21860.95 a little too much for me..

0104busPete rang back to say he was on his way and would be there in fifteen minutes, then I had find me way out of the store? It took a while… Tsk!

As I poddled down the stairs I found that through the windows I could take an overview shot of the crossing on Milton Street below – so I took one to the left of the traffic then one to the 0105crossright of the crossing.

I think they show the weather as it really was although the rain had eased off by then a bit.

Got out into Victoria shopping mall and made me way to the exit and passing the Thornton’s store I espied some chocolate shaped like a Champagne bottle at £5 a go and thought sister Jane would like one for Easter maybe, so I went in and bought on. The young chap asked what I’d like writing on it… I must have given him a confused look and he repeated himself slowly. Then it dawned that they write a message of one’s choice on it in white chocolate… I got there in the end (Attracting the now much used “Poor old devil” look from him. I asked him to put Jane and some kisses which amused him but he had the nous and manners to turn around before laughing. (The tell-tale sign was his shoulders going up and down yer know… hehehe)

I met Pete and he said Jane wanted to know where the shop was that got the seasoned roasted seaweed for her, so we had a poddle around for a bit. We passed where the 19 year old lad had been murdered and there were hundreds of floral tributes on the lampposts. So very sad I decided not to take a photo out of respect.

The Chinese shop on Goose Gate was an Alladins Cave to Pete. We got some seaweed and then went to another Asian shop around the corner – but what a difference, mouse droppings, out-of-date stuff on sale and staff that looked and leered like they were tongue members.

0106GCI left Pete at his bus-stop but not before he took a photo with me camera of me with a wet barren atmosphericalisional background.

I poddled to me bus stop and caught one back to Carrington, calling in the public gents on the way.

Back in Carrington I popped into the Co-op and got some bread-thins then hobbled in the rain to the dump.

WC’d, kettle on, laptop internet on, made a flask of good strong tea and set about creating this diary.

Too late to take the stuff to the hospice… well I mean too wet really.

7-11-147-11-14bDuring which I realised I’d not taken a photo of Jane’s Champagne bottle that I meant to earlier. Huh! So I rang Pete and asked him to take one and email it to me please.

He did bless him, he took two: Here they are.

Notice the brickwork in their front room, spot on and classy – yer can see Pete was a brick-layer can’t you.

Mash and sausages for nosh methinks tonight.

17th February 2015

Bad night, woke up shivering many times.

Dreamt of working in a security gatehouse with other officers and trying to get out to do a patrol but everything stopped me – forgetting keys and codes – getting lost on the gigantic spread out site – being RT’d back to the gatehouse – sinking in the mud… ended up trying to climb a fair wheel, no idea why but fell or got lost on it every-time… weird but I think I’ve had this dream or one similar before?

Got up latish 0630hrs – made a cuppa took medications and put water heater on – started this diary up to here.

Noted we had a red sky this morning through the drizzling rain. Red sky in the morning – Shepherds warning as me Dad used to say. That reminds me, I’ve got a shepherds pie in the freezer.

Titivated myself then got the laundry things ready.

Made up the nibbles bag for the launderette girls and BJ.

Set off to the launderette, chatted up Griselda (Another failure there) and set about doing me washing.

Taking out me bag with the book, lavender scented soap-bubbles, softener and drier balls I became aware of an extra strong scent of lavender present – the bubbles had burst and soaked me book into unreadability! I was on the last chapter too… Curse!

Then BJ noticed that none of the six machines belting away had any water in them and called Grizelda, who at first seemed puzzled then realised she had not turned the water on – so several customers were not happy.

The driers took £3 this week – we think the owner had cut down the time or temperature on them.

0201 Just a bit of fun added to this photo

BJ and I had a natter and when we were a lot worse off financially and the washing was done BJ put all the bags in his car and we set off for Asda.

0202Some incident had occurred near the school and we were sent away on another route by the nice policemen who seemed to really appreciate having their photograph taken…

We arrived at Asda and parked-up at one of the almost full Disabled Parking Only Bays – BJ checking the cars out to see if any able bodied louts had parked there.

I should mention that BJ is a registered Disabled Blue Card Badge holder.

We split up to do the 0203shopping and I made for the gardening section and got some pots of weed-killer first thing. Why do I always think of George Osborne when buy weed-killer recently?

Then I spent a fortune… microwaveable beef ribs orange juice, mousses, yogurts, bleach, mini Swiss rolls, burgers and frankfurters to mention a few.

I went through the self-serve checkout and had to ask for help a few times. Thus attracted the well known expression from the girl that said “Why do these old twits come in here?”

0205We were soon back at the dump and BJ handed me the bags from the car and shot off, me thanking him profusely for his help.

WC’d.

Put the clean laundry and nosh away… all bar the microwaveable BBQ ribs. I ate them with a cuppa and some bread.

A letter arrived, it was the results from the INR Warfarin level tests – far too low so I’ve got to go back again on Thursday for another test.

Still emitting wind coughing and sneezing a bit today. Although it’s hardly worth mentioning the passings of wind I’ve had them for so long now I almost expect them and am learning to accept the olid, noxious aroma that they distribute. I can’t try charcoal tablets because they may absorb the other medications I’m on?

On the bright side (What’s that?) no blood from the rear-end although sore, Anne Gyna has been very fair to me today, Arthur Itis as normal, ulcer no bother and the cut lip is healing well.

I realised then I’d not taken me bits to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop in Sherwood. Tomorrow if  Iceland is not too late I’ll take them I hope.

Feeling tired now… poor old chap eh?

Wednesday 18th February 2015

Up at around 0500hrs… realised I’d missed me last nights medications… and took me morning medications.

Couldn’t recall the dreams I’d had just knew I’d had them?

WC’d – lots of blood from the rear cleaned up. Arthritis fair, angina flaring a tad, haemorrhoids leaking and a new pain in right arm around the elbow? Coughing sneezing and emissions from the back exhaust persistent. Tut!

Started laptop and finished and posted yesterdays diary. Then finished iff me Security Woes post about the Turkey Farm and posted that one to Inchcock on WordPress.

Remembered Iceland coming later and I must sort the camera for taking to the Nottingham Hospice shop afterwards Spent a while doing some graphic work and then facebooked a bit.

0301Another record form arrived from the hospital reminding me about tomorrows appointment for an extra INR level check.

Went down all clean and polished to wait for the Iceland man. Started me second less powerful laptop that will not handle Coreldraw or Serif draw and did some work on Apache and then the Iceland-man commethed.

I put the stuff away, not easily though I’d got that much the fridge and freezer are even more crammed than ever now.

Made sure I’d got the camera and bits for the hospice and set off on me walk there.

Fed the pigeons and set off on me poddle.

0302Passing a house on Watcome Circus I remembered attending years ago when I was on Security Mobile Patrol Alarm response and took a photo of it because I thought I’d do me next Security Woes about that night and can use the photo again in it.

At the time of the incident the house (Now flats/apartments) was owned and lived in by a bank manager who’s bank paid for the security response and patrols for him. I’ll say no more it might spoil the Tale of Woe.

0303I walked up the hill and onto Mansfield Road and down towards Sherwood.

The sky looked nice, but the wind was biting despite the sun coming out often during me hike.

Down the hill passed the traffic lights and realised I’d left me cards at home. That shouldn’t matter though as I wont be needing them for the cash or bus… would I?

At least it’ll stop me spending for once.

0304As I carried on up the next hill I noted that the Nottingham Reptile Centre had a new sign outside with their name on it – the satirist in me thought I could take a photo of that and put Osborne or Cameron’s (Chancellor and Prime Minister) face on the poster and post it on Facebook? Perhaps to the Funny Site.

What do you think?

If anyone would like me to, I can do one with the face of any politician for you if you like and email to you.

0304fbHere’s the idea what I thought of after I’d doctored the original photographicalistion like.

Not that I have anything against the unelected ministers or their spoon-in-the-mouth wealth or their nepotism nihilism or sybarite lifestyles in the least.

In fact I think they should have more notoriety and fame than they have already conned cheated lied and been handed… something like being the first Government Ministers to be launched into space… or hung for treason something along those lines like.

I digress, sorry back to the diary.

0305Up the hill and to my astonishment to gentlemen of Eastern European looks pulled up in front of me in a van at a road junction, with the back end of their van sticking out about 6 foot into the road where they had just turned from.

A bus driver expressed his derision at their parking and honked his horn as he could not pass. The unshaven and rough looking 0305apassenger went into the beer-off, and I could not get across the road, not that I wanted to like – I was hoping things would develop as the bus-driver was gesticulating at the un-road-savvy nerks… Eventually the white van man pulled forward hitting the car parked legally in front of him to make way for the bus to pass.

Then reversed and nearly hit a bloke who unlike me who waited, he walked behind the van into the road to get over the road.

0306This’ll be good I thought as the man approached the driver – but in seconds the drivers mate returned and they were off in a flash.

As I got to the Nottingham Hospice shop I had a dizzy-spell, first one in ages – shook me a bit.

I explained about the camera to the lady 0307and gave her the other bits and noticed some ladies footwear on sale and decided to take a photo for Patti Caroline and the TFZ gals.

It (The photo) came out very blurred though, perhaps a side-affect of the dizzy-spell?

As U left the store I noticed these dresses? in the window. I’m curious if anyone can help in what type they are?

Backup_of_Lynda5Made me way down the hill into Sherwood and on my way noticed a pavement cyclist crossing the pelican lights on his bike and up the pavement on the other side, narrowly missing clobbering an elderly lady as he did so.

I’d like to mention that this sort of activity from cyclists doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

WWarnLie

 Further 0308down the hill, and a private hire car had stopped in the bus-lane on double-yellow lines to go into a shop and two buses were stuck behind it.

The cab driver came out of the shop rubbing his beard and didn’t acknowledge the hooting form the traffic at all and calmly drove off.

Gawd I love Nottingham folk.

0311I resisted the smell from the take-away food shop, and started my way up the hill when I thought a miracle took place! A cyclist came passed me from behind making me jump (Well… I say jump?) and I called after him and got me camera out and… wait for it!… he got off his bike and started pushing it!

I was amazed at this, it has never happened before… then I realised he was two-thirds of the way up the hill and must have been knackered so that must be why he got off it?

I pressed on up the hill, the knees starting to twinge a bit now, but no more dizzies thankfully.

0310Then I came across my first piece of Nottingham Street Art of the day.

The legs from a toy doll – and feet away (Not sure how but I missed this off the picture…Tsk!) laid a plastic head of David Cameron?

What the artists intention was to create I don’t know. Hehe!

Up to the top of the hill and down into Carrington, and turning right at St Johns Church the site of the flowers forcing their way through up from the graves these little blue and white flowers made me again appreciate nature.

0312As I looked up Church Drive I saw four chaps having an altercation over a rear-bump in their cars – and decided to take the long route to avoid them.

I couldn’t tell what they were saying as I didn’t know or understand the language they were spitting at each other, better safe than sorry I thought.

0313As I got to the corner of my street I came across my second piece of Nottingham Street Art of the day, that was not there when I left the house.

I pondered over it a bit – and thought maybe it was created as a protest over the nearby cable television lines that had been vandalised and pulled out by the local yobbery? However the significance of the dog pee to the right of it left me puzzled – that is of course if it was canine pee?

Anyway I think it is as good as the rubbish bag display that they had in the Tate Gallery a few years ago – of course it will not be worth the £70,000 that that piece of art sold for I 0304fb2suppose.

Limped to the dump and hastily hobbled to the porcelain.

Here, I had a very very minor Whoopsiedangleplop – I bent down to rub some Phorpain gel into me kness and cracked me head on the sink.

Lucky it was only me head really – then another dizzy that couldn’t have come at a better time than me being sat-down at the time like.

I waited a few moments then stood up and all signs of the dizzy had gone, and tended to me tender rear area – still a tad nervous going down the stairs though.

Had a small Pork and pickle pie, a flake and a cuppa and started the laptop to do this diary update.

Make a cuppa and took me medications.

Tired again, must remember me extra INR check tomorrow…

Thursday 19th February 2015

Last night I had braised beef in onion gravy with soft bread followed by a yoghurt ice lolly, mousse and my medications. Mmmm!

But the wind… of dear, very persistent and noisome putrid pestiferous poohs meritorious of the Houses of Parliament… that bad! Oh dear…

I got up late at o540hrs and beautified missen ready for me extra Queens Medical Centre Haematology INR level test.

No blood from me rear-end, gel on me knees and ankles and the bruise on me head was almost gone.

Made up a bag of nibbles for the nurses, made sure I’d got umbrella, bus pass, INR record card, cash, reading glasses, hearing aids etc.

Set-off in the rain so caught a bus instead of walking to town in case I gotted soaked again like on Monday.

0400

Chocolate Pound on the left next to a real Pound coin

Popped into the chemists first to pick-up me blood-release tablets that they had ran out of when I picked up me monthly dollop of medications, and had a bit of fun with the girl on the counter that went down very well and all four of the staff laughed with or at me:

When Safira gave me the bag of Trental tablets, I pretended to read it and saying out loud “Oh one pound eh…” Then produced my earlier prepared gigantic chocolate pound coin and handed it to her. A lovely grin came over her face and she turned to the others and showed it to them and wallah… everyone laughing at the same time.

I really got satisfaction from that.

0402qmc

Patients having a fag out in the rain – addicts each and every one – Bless em!

Bus out to the QMC where on getting to the entrance I was tickled to see patients outside, some in wheelchairs some on drips, outside having a fag under the No Smoking signs. Bless em!

I was soon seen to and the samples taken and had me injection of Warfarin straight into me ticker and was back out into the rain and on the bus back into town.

Swallowed me midday medications then I took a photo on the bus through the front window but for some reason found it was far too blurred – again – to use?

403bcity

Evenin’ ‘all!

Getting the shakes is not doing my photographicalisational reputation any good at all!

As I dropped off the bus the Police paddy-wagon had pulled up a car and three plain-clothed officers were trying to ejecting the occupants.

The incident took place in front of the bus-stop my sister uses.

0401a

Plenty of buses in Nottingham this afternoon competing with the ebullient Nottinghomian citizenry for the right of way…

Wonder what they’d done?

I didn’t ask like.

I poddled up the stairs (Painfully) to the walk-over (Muggers paradise) to take a few of shots of the wonderfully, pleasant, happy, merry, joyous, contented, sweet, kind, philanthropic Nottinghomian’s on Upper Parliament 0401street in the rain.

Took a walk through the open market, but is was bereft of any choice, many stalls unoccupied and the owners of the stalls were obviously not happy as they glared at people as if to say “Yes.. you dare disturb me!”

403ccity

John Lewis Department store window today

I had a wobble though the rest of Victoria Shopping Centre and the first window I came to as I entered it was the High Class (Claimed by them anyway, the prices Are high) John Lewis department store windows.

I was intrigued by the display  windows I must say, felt something was missing like…

I noted some shoppers coming into the centre who were absolutely soaked through.

0403city

Me attempt at an atmospheric piccy

So I nipped back to the walk-over to take a photo in the heavy rain in an effort to try and get another atmospheric one.

It didn’t come out like that really, but it did catch some more Nottinghomians crossing against the lights. Oh it didn’t… the lights must just changed as I took it – Huh!

Hehehe!

I wandered to Tesco and managed to get some cheesy seaweed and gravy granules, then had another losing fight with my conscience over whether to purchase some fresh cream French Horns or not to purchase some fresh cream French Horns…

I purchased some fresh cream French Horns. Tsk!

I slipped the pigeons some seed on Trinity Square as I made me way to catch the bus back to Carrington and the flea-pit.

Got rather wet between the bus-stop in Carrington and the front door.

WC’d hurriedly.

Got changed and put two beef slices in the microwave and made some rich gravy and poured it over them when cooked – had some bread and sauce with em followed by the fresh cream French Horns. (Guilty mode adopted)

Had a scrub-up took me evening medications while continually coughing sneezing and passing wind.

Watched a Heartbeat DVD while I ate me nosh.

I haven’t had a single evacuation from the rear all day… bit worrying that!

Tired out now poor mite that I am…

Friday 20th February 2015

I really did spring awake this morning around 0530hrs – I laid there thinking how nice it was to remember so much details of the dream I’d just been having – when something happened that sent these facts into the ether of unimportance…

I passed wind and boy what a mess!

While I spent a considerable time on the porcelain I recalled what I’d written on me yesterdays Diary: I haven’t had a single evacuation from the rear all day… bit worrying that!”Never a truer statement has been made!

Oh yes, the Rumbling innards are back with a vengeance.

No moving from the bathroom much for me today…

Got missen cleaned up and refreshed.

Went downstairs and took the bins out for collection so as they will not be missed this week by the gentlemen of the Nottingham Hygiene Collection and Recycling Team.

Made a cuppa and went back up and started the laptop – another call to the porcelain – unpleasant.

Took me morning medications, then returned to the porcelain – where is it all coming/slithering from?

I know I’ve got a rather protruding flabby wibbly-wobbly stomach but how it has held all that is coming out now, I don’t know.

As I washed last nights pots I wondered which of the foods I’d eaten yesterday might have caused this unpleasantness?

Put me togs in soak, and updated this Diary of Woe.

Of course now I can remember nothing of the dreams I’d had. Tsk!

0504

I wondered what had caused this malady to return? The minced beef slices, or the BBQ Ribsteak burger? Or neither?

403ctescoOr perhaps the French Horns. (Being addicted to them, I hope this is not the case!).

No further movements at this moment (0729hrs) but plenty of worrying gurgling and rumblings going on from the innards.

Good job I have a decent stock of toilet paper and other items still to hand 0507from the last bother that I had of a similar nature.

As I went down to make another brew, terrible thirst this morning, me other ailments made themselves known to me:

Anne Gyna, Arthur Itis, Hem Arroids and D.  Uodenal were I think a little envious of the ‘Gurgling rumbles and trots taking the spotlight for once. Hehehe!

0506I took a look in me refrigerator to check the use-by-dates on me food for a family of five stocks.

Suddenly I felt rather ill.

Sat down for a while and was back to my normal self in half an hour or so.

Wonder if this has anything to do with me INR Warfarin level being so low?

Still, on the bright side the haemorrhoids are not bleeding or too painful, I haven’t had a ‘Whoopsidangleplop’ yet today, no dizzy-spells and after the first forced involuntary messy evacuation the other ‘managed’ evacuations have not been as pungent.

Hello here it comes again…

I’m back again, Phwor!

Made another cuppa to quench me rabid thirst.

Now I know how convenient it is having the WC in the bathroom.

0505Updating the diary of woe and somehow managed to lose all me additional writings on me word processor.

I expect it’s something to do with catching the touch-pad that I cannot turn off – gets a bit frustrating and annoying that does, especially when you don’t feel to well. Huh!

Did some Face-booking.

Then worked on a Nottingham Lads Security True Tales of Woe and managed to get it finished and posted of to me blog.

The rumbling brewing and nervousness and expectation of involuntary movements remain.

Managed a pasty and some bread – hopefully it won’t bother the innards too much – oh dear, yes it will…

Saturday 21st February 2015

After a night interposed with many uncomfortable rumbling-innards prompted visits to the porcelain.

I forced myself up into physical activity – much against the wishes of Anne Gyna and Arthur Itis.

Pain below me right elbow still with me – no bother from the ulcer, and no dizzies up to now.

0601teaWC’d.

Made a cuppa and a pot of porridge with honey and did some Facebooking.

WC’d.

Watched some old stuff TV on YouTube (Heartbeat).

Had a good scrub-up and abluted and noticed that the two front teeth that the dentist had filled had both gone black?

Urgh!

Pondered on if I should try having a walk today or not.

0602swissDecided to risk it ‘for a Swisskit’ (anyone remember that advert for the chocolate bar from… I don’t know when, ages ago?) and poddle to Sherwood to take me togs to the Nottingham Hospice charity shop, then call at the dentists and last to get a small cooked nosh from the hot food place.

0603sherwAs I arrived near Sherwood the sky looked amazing.

Though I’d check me Lotto numbers at the paper shop. After so many years of trying and only getting one win – £10 and that was shared – I can’t think of anything more futile… Huh, nor one number!

Mind you I’m not surprised.

Fortuitously the Library was open and I sated the demands of me rumbling innards in their WC. Phew!

0604msHalfway up the second hill I spotted two mobility scooters outside a shop and none outside the pub which is normal.

I pressed on up and arrived at the Hospice shop and gave them me bits, then up to the dentist. Where I had a Senior Moment…

0605dent

 I pushed at the door and it was locked, so I read the opening hours on the door and thought well it says here that they are open 0840hrs t0 1700hrs on a Friday… why are they not open now at 1345hrs?

Quick as a flash I got it within minutes – today is a Saturday!

0606aI called in the hot food shop and got a tray of roast potatoes and… er, some meat or other like mince but it wasn’t mince to take home and reheat later.

As I was limping back to the dump I thought I’d take a more scenic route, longer, more hilly but with more trees and that like.

So I did.

I turned right down Haydn Road. As I plodded 0606bdown it the Second Hand Car Sales place that reminds me so much of George Coles Arthur Daley in Minders place from the 70’s TV show.

I don’t think I’d be confident enough to risk getting a car from there somehow.

0606cI carried on down and as I approached the pelican lights a sign that I’ve seen endless times on the side of the road made me smile for once as I saw a funny connotation attached to it today. The sign, behind the red car read: Humped Zebra Crossing…

I bet that made him jump? Hehehe!

0606dI got to the end of the road and turned left up the tree lines hill called Devonshire Drive.

I thought at the time, feeling so much better than yesterday like: “I can do this without any problem!”

And started to ascend the hill with grim determination and a commitment to get to the top in good spirits and maybe jump up then like wot Rocky did in Rocky 3 like…

0606eThird of the way or so up and I stopped to get me breath – but soon started off again showing great spirit bravery and bravado!

So proud of missen I wor.

About halfway up I stopped once again momentarily, the angina starting now and me feet and knees joined in too.

I began to think I maybe made a bad decision in taking this route back to the flea-pit now…

0606gme stick.

Nearly at the top now in this photos.

I realised as I struggled on that I may have seen my last marathon, game of squash, bungee jump or parachute jump as the pains emanating from various quarters of my decrepit ageing flobadob body were increasing in intensity and I needed to get to a WC quicker than I was doing.

Thank heaven the summit was only a few yards 0606haway and I turned right into Carrington and down the hill.

So glad to make it to the porcelain, but the bleeding was back.

I ate the reheated whatever it was meal and enjoyed it – then said a little prayer for it not to start off the rumbling and a-grumbling innards.

As I was washing the pots I managed quite skilfully and without any planning to drop the vinegar bottle right onto me corn on me right foot and said ‘Flipping heck’.

Made a cuppa and limped a little more acutely than normal, up and laptop on, took medications.

I’m so glad I didn’t go on a long walk.

Aye-up… I can feel movements from within…?

Sprurgh!

Nothing more eaten tonight, lost me appetite.

TTFN all.

Sunday 22nd February 2015

biMarieBad night for the cramps and innards again, don’t know when I eventually nodded off, but I didn’t wake until gone seven this morning.

The ankles are bad this morning, cracking away like a bag of crisps and painful with it, yet the knees are no worse than usual? The piles were not bleeding so that’s good. Even Anne Gyna is having a rest, that’s very good. The ulcer… I think has also taken time-out, good again!

Made a cuppa and took me medications later than I should have but it can’t be helped.

biNancyGot the laptop on, opened coreldraw9 okay and worked on the header for this post but then it wouldn’t let me open the internet?

I tried through icons, menu and bar but no go – depression took a hold.

I restarted the laptop and it allowed me in this time? – but Coreldraw9 froze once more and I had to restart all over again – Gnunf!

Getting a bit fed-up with losing me graphicalisations wot I’m working on. Very frustrating and wasting so much biBettytime.

I could get depressed yer know!

Decided I’m not risking going out on a walk today – innards might not be any worse but they’re still bothersome. The porcelain has already been well used this morning… Tsk!

Tried again to do some graphicalisationing on Coreldraw9.

biLynda

biPmcSpent many many hours doing Scooter graphics for the TFZ site.

That’s some of the finished graphicalisationalistic thingies wot I dun you see scattered around this page.

The gurgling and rumbling continued throughout the day – needing much attention at frequent periods.

I’m so glad I didn’t risk going on a walk today now – but am concerned about tomorrow and hope I can biGladysget out to the Queens Medical Centre haematology for me third INR level check in a week.

Had a pastie and franks followed by a tiny weeny cake… well two tiny weeny cakes then.

But not feeling hungry enough for a meal yet.

I was hoping things would have settled a biLyzzibit by now so I can get out in the morning without worrying, but the INR level has never been so consistently low as this past week, so I have to attend.

And I want to get to the dentist about me blackening front teggies that they were supposed to have repaired on me last visit… huh!

The wind is now a lot worse from me top end, I reckon that’s got to be a good sign, no biLonaidea why, but I think things are moving towards a cease-fire with me innards?

Not feeling too tired, mind you I ain’t nit been knowhere have I.

When I was posting these graphics to me galleries on Facebook I got a message that me internet connection had gone down despite the icon informing me it was up and running (There’s an unfortunate phrase bearing in mind my current state – Hehe).

Restarted laptop and it came back?

Damned technology!

Took me evening medications.

Hope I can get out tomorrow.

Please….

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Average Woman Spends 76% Of Life Being In The Way Claims Report

juliette

Juliette Binoche accepts an Oscar for her role in The English Patient while getting in the way of a life-size replica

 

A recent study, conducted by The London School Of Economics, has revealed that the average adult female will spend up to three-quarters of her life getting in the way. The report, which was based on a study conducted throughout the United Kingdom, found that women from working class backgrounds were slightly more likely to get in the way, due to the fact that they spend more time in supermarkets and pubs where a large percentage of thoughtless, uncalled for, obstructions take place.

The report also found that a large number of women are prone to be in the way in the home, with over 90% of men complaining that their wife or girlfriend constantly seems to be in the way when they attempt to move around, either to get something to eat or drink, to move from one room to another or to visit the lavatory.

The government-sanctioned report, was implemented following the case last year of a London woman who got in her husband’s way so often he shot her to death as she thoughtlessly blocked his path to the cupboard under the stairs where he wanted to look for his electric drill. The man pleaded severe provocation and was subsequently given a community service order and ordered to pay £25 costs.

This libelous piece of misogyny is also appearing in this blog:

https://sozsatire.wordpress.com/

It’s a bit like The League Of Mental Men except I’m the only fucker in it.

Clivey

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