The Soz Satire Mint Proudly Present: The WordPress Blog-O-Mate Butt Plug Of Hope

This piece first appeared in Soz Satire magazine and was nominated for The Liebster “I’m A Nosy, Intrusive Bastard Award” but was subsequently withdrawn for being too judgemental and searingly erotic.
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Are you sick of being beaten to the punch by other bloggers when it comes to liking or commentating on a recent post by one of your favourite members of the WordPress family? Do you find yourself logging into WordPress on your PC, laptop or device, only to find that one of your most loyal and valued followers has made a post and that you are about 75th in the list of likers?

Well those days could be over for good with the help of this clever little device my friends. The WordPress Blog-O-Mate Butt Plug Of Hope simply slides effortlessly into the anal cavity and will deliver a brief but powerful electrical jolt every time a pre-selected blogger of your choice clicks their “Publish” button.

Endorsed by WordPress themselves, the Blog-O-Mate will ensure that you never have to endure the heartache of seeing rows of small avatars lined up beneath that special post that you wanted so much to be the first to fawn over.

It can be used anytime, any place. Whether you’re at home relaxing, working at the office, or even in the shower. The Blog-O-Mate will make sure you never have to play second fiddle to your rival bloggers again. Order yours today and receive one of our “I’ve Got Far Too Much Time On My Hands” t-shirts absolutely free!

Warning: Always remember to remove the Butt Plug Of Hope before going to the toilet, particularly if you are going to evacuate your bowels. Failure to do so may result in extreme abdominal pain, bloating, haemorrhoids, a throbbing vein in the temple, and in extreme cases, death – for which the manufacturers cannot be held responsible.

Testimonials:

“I’m a fawning sycophant and as silly as a sackload of shit to boot. I honestly believe that by liking and commenting on other people’s blogs my own tawdry output will be in some way enhanced so the Blog-O-Mate was an absolute boon to me” – Miguel Sideboard. Torremolinos

“I couldn’t agree more! Since this wonderful little device started electrocuting my arseole at regular intervals I’ve never felt more popular or more loved by members of the WordPress family – Toby Menopause. Rotherham.

“I was having sex with my girlfriend when my Blog-O-Mate alerted me that somebody I don’t know from Adam had made a post. My girl found the experience so pleasurable she now makes a WordPress post whenever she’s at the point of climax. Thanks Blog-O-Mate!” – Marvin Kunt. Kent.

For express delivery of The Blog-O-Mate, send cash or a banker’s draft for £22,985.70p + £800.00 p&p to:

Clivey Dee

Soz Satire Magazine

Whitechapel (The nice part with hardly any prossies and crack fiends sleeping rough in it)

East London

Written by Clivey.

Graphic by The Artful Dodger

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EVANGELICAL PASTOR ‘CHAS T T BELT’S’ SEX SERMON TO THE YOUNG LADIES OF ESSEX!

STOCK

Pastor Chas T T Belt: “And I say unto you obviously virginal young ladies of Chadwell Heath in the county of all things cultural, namely that which is known as Essex that as time unfolds you will all, I feel certain, meet the man of your dreams and you will marry that man of your dreams and make to him, the man of your dreams the wedding vow to love, honour and obey the man of your dreams in God’s house and under the very eyes of God. It is then that both you and the man of your dreams will be enjoined as husband and wife.

Yet when you and the man of your dreams are husband and wife do not be deceived into thinking that God frowns upon sexual intercourse in part or at all.  For as the good book says in the – some would say – rather risqué Song of Solomon 4:3 ‘Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy talk is comely: thy temples are within thy locks as a piece of a pomegranate.’ And by those very words both you and the man of your dreams can take it that you can caress each other from here to kingdom come whenever you so like for the good book condones, nay rhapsodizes the exchange of oral bodily fluids twixt both you and the man of your dreams through contact with each other’s lips and mouth as often as you care to take Him up on his offer.

Furthermore, there is even another passage in Song of Solomon 4:16 that includes coming into the garden and eating the pleasant fruit, which has been interpreted by some Biblical scholars and I count myself as one of those very scholars, as a reference to oral intimacy for 4:16 doth say ‘Arise, O north, and come O south, and blow on my garden that the spices thereof may flow out: let my well beloved come to his garden, and eat his pleasant fruit.’ I feel I need not interpret the metaphor beyond saying that both you and the man of your dreams can have more oral intercourse than you can shake the walking stick of Moses himself at whenever you so please.

With that I shall end my sermon yet rest assured and be in no doubt that God condones having congress in whichever way, shape or form suits the specific desires of both you and the man of your dreams.”

A LITTLE LATER DOWN THE PUB;

Sharon: “Wot was ‘e on about Trace? Sounded all bollocks to me if you know what I mean.”

Tracey: “Fucked if I know really Shar but I fink e’s saying it’s OK to ‘go down’ on Wayne and Raj like whenever you want – or somefink like that anyway.”

Sharon: “Oh that’s nice ‘cause I’d planned too anyhows.”

Tracey: “Yeah really nice.”

Sharon: “Nice.”

 

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Situations Vacant: Islamic Freedom Fighters Wanted

jihadi john

“Your caliphate needs YOU!”

An internationally known organisation with branches across the globe has openings for young people wishing to help curb imperialist expansion and to pull the teeth of the infidel jackals.

The position offered, includes exciting travel opportunities to dusty inhospitable desert with no amenities, poor pay and the almost-certain confiscation of your passport and imprisonment should you try to get back to civilisation.

Do you: Spend most of your time in your bedroom, surfing the internet and wondering why you haven’t got a lfe?

Is your: Best friend a bloke with a beard and glaring eyes at the mosque who would be going out there himself, except that he’s a bit busy right now?

Have you: A strong desire to ascend to heaven with 72 virgins, or to have sex with someone other than yourself?

If you can answer yes to all or any of the above questions. you could be the person we are looking for.

Full training will be given, including modules in bigotry, unquestioning fanaticism, beheading (up to grade 3 standard), and amateur video production. A uniform of baggy trousers for the gents, or stylish all-over burqa for the ladies, will be provided at subsidised cost.

If you feel that you are right for us then why not drop in at one of our informal meetings at the address below. We’re there most Thursdays:

Second pile of rocks on the left, just past the border with Turkey.
Syria.

Note: Political/religious/sexual/height restrictions may apply.

Written almost entirely by Gary Moore ‘Churchmouse’ with hardly any pedantic, unnecessary editing by Clivey Dee, 19.

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Inchcock and his 86 hour Christmas shift – Security Career Woes

The 86 hour Christmas shift in Security Control Room

GCVinIn my ten years with the company, I had never had a day off sick, and had only been late on duty once.

With so many of the lads knocking off with sickies, and then my fellow controller joining them, I ended up working straight through for 86 hours over the holiday period.

One of the supervisors brought me in a Christmas dinner, and the night men took me off for two hours each night shift so I could wash shave and have a nod to keep going.

The Operations Manager thanked me profusely.

The Owner thanked me.

The Night Manager offered his appreciation for my commitment.

Two weeks later I was made redundant as they had out-sourced the control room duties to save cash in their effort for financial survival.

After a couple of years of being sneered at and ignored by the Job Centre plus people I gave up trying to find another job at 64 years of age.

I am now happier with my life (Using the term loosely) than I have ever been.

The hernia then the heart operation, angina, arthritis, haemorrhoids, cancer of the bowel, duodenal ulcer, torn Intercostal muscle, going deaf, and slowly losing my sanity is okay to me – as long as I do not lose me laptop, internet connection or Cyber-friends.

TTFN all.

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Inchy’s Angiagram Hospital Procedure – Part of Inchcock’s True Tales of Woe series

Inchcock’s True Tales of Woe

Amorris

Inchy’s Angiagram Hospital Procedure

AmorrisAngiAmorrisAngiI’d starved myself, taken the medications, and I arrived at the specified time, and reported to the Obergruppenfurher at the Morris Ward Cardiac reception desk.

I was greeted with a curt superior nod of the head by the receptionist and my paperwork demanded – which of course I gave her.

I was given the short order of “Sit their”, as she pointed to a chair in the waiting area, “as the bed was not yet free.”

I humbly sat on the chair with my bag of accoutrements and bedclothing by my side, and took out Spike Milligan’s ‘Rommel Who?’ book to read.

She came over a few moments later, trod on my toe without any comment, and sat next to me to confirm my details, then returned to scold someone else at her outside of the ward ward reception desk.

An hour or so later, she called out my name, and instructed me to go with the nurse, into the ward.

I managed to resist giving her a Heil Hilter salute.

As the nurse led me through the coded lock doors, I realised I’d left my bag outside, and I returned to collect my bag, and got a lecture about security and bombs from the Obergruppenfurher on reception, then I returned sheepishly to the nurse in the ward.

She led me to a bed, tagged my wrist, and told me to get my jammies on, then scrub my hands, chest and groin with some gel she gave me to use.

I actually heard her giggle as I removed my underpants. (I’ve got used to this now, after a few visits to the hospital, and the usual flow of nurses to have a look, and smile sympathetically at me, or run out laughing. It’s true)

A Doctor came in after I’d been antisepticated, and went over the procedure I was about to have. I could have anaesthetic if I requested it, but they prefer to use a sedative, so they can ask me to move if required. A sedative was agreed on and given.

An earlier procedure had been cancelled and I was to go into the theatre in an hour. During that hour, I was informed by a male nurse that a patient had died, and I was taking his place for the same operation.

That perked me up no end! If they’re losing patients at the pre-heart op preparation stage… what chance would I stand with the actual Aorta valve replacement operation?

I was collected, and taken into the theatre, and they were very precise in getting me into an exact position on the table.

AmorrisAngi2As they were injecting me in the groin – this pair of well developed breasts with a nurses head over them leant over me and asked if I’d like a pain-killer injection. I answered ‘Yes please’ to both of them.

Just as I realised seeing the breasts were having an effect on my lesser endowed lower region where the tube was being inserted…

I drifted off into a semi-conscious state, I could see the smiles and looks of sympathy develop on their faces.

I seem to remember them returning me to the ward bed, where a Doctor attended and told me that everything looked good for the big operation and I would be notified shortly of the date.

Then the good bit came, they informed us that the breakfast was now being served at the other end of the ward, and I felt ready for some.

AmorrisAngi3When I returned to the bed, someone had left me photographs of someone having the Aorta mechanical valve replacement operation I was due for soon.

As I got out of the bed, I realised that my ‘Little Inch’ appendage was stiffer that it had ever been (not bigger, just harder), and it stayed that way for hours and hours. I asked a nurse, jokingly of course, if I could have another stab of the sedative!

She looked me up and down, smiled and asked Why?

The next morning I was signed out, and released at 0500hrs ’cause they needed the bed urgently.

They called brother-in-law Pete and he agreed to pick me up.

I was handed a very handy descriptive and helpful leaflet about ‘What happens in a Angiogram’ – obviously far too late to be of any use, but interesting like. Tut!

As I passed the reception outside the ward, I went to the Obergruppenfurher, and with all my sarcastic efforts, smiled sweetly at her and said: “Thank you very much for all your help and understanding!”

The ‘Humph’ I got back made me smile, it would have done Hattie Jacques proud in Carry on Doctor!

More to follow… TTFN

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Inchcocks Week -W/E 22/3/15

Monday 16th March 2015

Inchcock’s off to Hospital Again… It’s the nurses yer know, they get him all excited like…

Got up had a very rare situational situation for me this morning – I wanted to, but could not carry out my desires activities on the porcelain! The opposite of diarrhea this time, a definite circumscription in me movements – or lack of movements – oh dear… just when they’ve sent my self-test Cancer screening kit as well.

I feel so guilty for being so lucky yer know. (Hehehe)

Had a wash shave and scrub-up so I’m smell nice for me nurses at the Queens Medical Centre and gals at the clinic this morning.

Might not have time to do me contributions to the League of Mental Men today, I got up too late and I’ve got so much on to get done medicationalistically  speaking. I’ll do me best to get back in time and then stay awake.

Got the nibbles ready for the nurses and made sure I’d got me record card, bus-pass, camera, mobile etc in me jacket pocket. (I think)

Started the laptop and realised I’d not taken me medications – hang on I’ll take em now cause I’ve just made a cuppa…

That’s them taken, I’ll have a hobble into town now and catch a bus out to the QMC.

0835hrs: See you later… I hope!

0101carDreary sky as I set off on walk into town.

On Mansfield Road I noticed several buildings up for sale or rent that indicated things are not too good hereabouts – mind you child minder/nursery seems to be doing well enough – many of the Nottingham folk might be professionally out of work but they are still producing their apprentice yobbo teeny-bopper ankle-biters in great number to ensure their full benefits from the Government.

As I pressed on an uncaring Nottingham 0102Cyclistpavement cyclist came passed me at speed from me rear, then cycled across the pedestrian crossing and into the NCN college across the road – I imagine he must be a tutor or teacher there – he’s a Git who’s too scared to cycle on the road because of the dangerous traffic, but has no compunction about putting elderly folk at risk from his illegal cycling on the pavement anyway. Huh!

0103MRUp and over the hill down towards the City Centre I heard several sirens/klaxons and got me camera out, but the vehicles, three police cars and a paramedic had already passed going out of town by the time I did get it out, I did catch a forth police car though, shame cause it would have looked good and I could have used the photo later in a post if I had caught them all at the same time.

Onward down into town and caught a bus out to the Queens Medical Centre for me INR Warfarin level tests.

0104QMC1The weather was still murky but not cold with it.

The usual mayhem in the hospital car parks with heated exchanges with the security men and those desperate to find somewhere to park their vehicle.

Good job I took me new second hand book with me, because I found the 0105QMC2waiting area – that on my last appointment Thursday was devoid of folk – was crammed to the rafters so to speak.

The longest wait I’ve ever had there.

By the time my number was close to being called, I realised I was not going to make it to the clinic appointment in time so as not to be late.

When I got into the blood room I explained this to the nurse and she rang someone with the details and they rang the clinic – then passed back another appointment date for me – now that was nice of them because they were so very busy.

Bit of job after taking the sample stopping the bleeding today. Handed them their nibbles and those for the clinic staff too that I would not need now today – tickled her pink that did.

0107dressI caught the  first bus into town and wandered up to Trinity Square where I fed the pigeons and spotted  new shop on the Walk – I must say I liked the dresses in the window – very nostalgic, reminded me of the girls from my youth. (Don’t laugh – oh go on then!) .

I’ve just noticed the reflections from the 0106TrinPigglass in the window – more signs for closed-down retail businesses to let. Sad.

As I moved to the bus-stop I fed the pigeons again.

As I descended down Trinity Walk towards Upper Parliament Street .I espied that one of the retail units that had been empty for months had opened as a sort of Art gallery.

In the window was some… er, Art dedicated to and of Marilyn Monroe.

0108MM Very pricey though.

Of course nobody was in the shop/gallery apart from the two staff.

I don’t think Nottingham is a City of Culture really.

Mugging, shoplifters, antisocial scrotes, drunks, Big Issue sellers yes… .but not cultural types much.

Got the bus back to the hoppit.

A poor chap on the bus (passenger) kept swearing out very loud and this obviously upset some of the passengers. I imagine the bloke had tourette syndrome or schizophrenia. I sometimes see him in Sherwood walking along and booming out ‘F-off’ curse words with such venom and so loud, I felt sorry for the chap, but some passengers were getting angry with him – not that he was aware of this.

Again tried to use the porcelain without any success.

Had a microwaveable steak in onion gravy with curried beans and some bread with a cuppa to take me medications with.

Did this diary – laptop battery dying fast. I must get to the computer shop tomorrow after the laundry and shopping at Asda to get it sorted out – else I’ll lose me internet and that will make me a sad laddy.

BJ (Big John) called, he is going to pick me up in the morning to carry me washing bags to the launderette for me bless his cotton socks, then going to take me shopping with him to carry the stuff home to help avoid irritating me pulled muscle. A gent that BJ!

Did some Face-booking and faded fast into nodding off mode… still no movements… oh dear! 

Tuesday 17th March 2015

Not a wink of sleep all night – no passings on the porcelain, but not much pain – apart from the bleeding haemorrhoids that is.

Did a lot of coughing and snuffling throughout the night though. You watch, I’ll fall asleep when I don’t want to 

Can’t understand it really, I feel so drained and tired but the body won’t let me sleep… You watch, I’ll fall asleep when I don’t want to – Huh!

All night reading or Facebooking.

Took me medications around 0500hrs.

When it was time to get up I could have nodded off – Blanglewurzelspurt!.

A bit gloomy again this morning.

Got missen spit and polished and waited for BJ to arrive, he said he’d be here about 0750hrs.

0100medsGot an email asking me to see the chemist to discuss current prescriptions suitability, relevance and assessment with him.

0101Only Fred came down for breakfast this morning when I popped me head out of the door to see if BJ was arriving.

BJ arrived and lifted me and me bags of laundry to the launderette, that, I appreciated more than he could have known.

When we arrived Mandy was on duty and greeted BJ with a welcoming smile and they had a chinwag – BJ going in the back with Mandy and having laugh – of course I was not jealous at all – 0103oh no, good luck to him if Mandy finds him attractive, entertaining, good looking and socially attractive, younger than wot I am, richer than wot I am, more hair than wot I have, taller than wot I am, wittier than wot I am and has an ebullient personality wot I ain’t… oh yes… (Hehe)

We got the washing done and BJ lifted me to Asda, where I spent a good bit on stuff I didn’t really need.

I got some of those microwaveable burgers that I like so much, they didn’t have any potato-gratin meals in stock, got some bread-thins, beans, bbq sauce, pots of jelly, etc.

0104On the way in, in the the foyer they had a palette of Irish Gnomes at £15 and£25 pounds each, many had been sold for the St Patrick’s day celebrations.

After doing me shopping I was waiting for BJ near the exit when two people going out of the store set off the alarm – what happened then confused me a bit:

0105The security guard on the door took a few paces towards them and the lady siad “I have nothing, me no buy today…”

The guard said in reply “Oh okay then alright” and returned to his desk?

I reckon that Asda must be the Nottingham shoplifters delight!

John lifted me home and carried the stuff in for me, I thanked him and he said he might be going to Loughborough train museum in a couple of weeks and would I like to go with him – Yes please I said.

As soon as BJ had gone I got the dizzies – bad this time.

Can’t remember much until I was making a cuppa and felt so tired (As I expected with getting no sleep like) and just had to five in and get me head down.

I woke up about four hours later and nearly did a whoopsiedangleplop and took me morning medications in error fer me evening ones but just stopped missen in time.

I had no hunger that I would normally have at this time of night and started to do this diary when another dizzy attack came, not so bad this one though.

I must after the Iceland nosh comes tomorrow go to the computer shop and get me battery sorted out.

I’m a tad confused at the moment – suppose it’s with the forced falling asleep?

Again feeling so tired now – must give in to it again, sorry not much exciting occurred today.

TTFN

Wednesday 18th March 2015

Slept better last night.

WC’d.

Woke thinking about delivery today, then I must take the laptop into the computer shop to try and get the battery power supply problems sorted.

I’ll try to remember to call in at the GP surgery to get appointment to see Dr Vindla about the dizzy-spells on the way back. Had another one last night. And I must remember to post me samples to the hospital.

Feeling a lot better this morning having got some sleep in.

The torn muscle seemed a lot better too, the arthritis not bad, angina okay and the hemorrhoids no bleeding and nowhere near as inflamed as yesterday. I’d feel like singing if wasn’t for the fact that I know how quickly these things can change and it would upset the neighbours.

Took me medications with some spring water and actually fell asleep again. Marvellous!

Stirred into activity and washed shaved and titivated myself then got into me day togs.

I put the laptop and power box in a bag ready to take to the computer shop in Sherwood later.

Washed the pots, took rubbish to the bin (No Fatima or Fred anywhere), started the old laptop.

The screen went blank and nothing I tried got it back?

I force closed and restarted and I’m back here again – hoping for the best. I can’t afford to spend owt on getting this laptop sorted as well as the other – Blunkerbobblecraps!

Now I ain’t feeling so good…

Then the Warfarin INR level test results were delivered – sod me, down to 1.7 again (Target 3.5).

I went down another notch in the ‘How-I-am-feeling stakes. Tut!

Iceland came and I fed Fred as I left the hovel with with laptop to go to the computer shop.

IMG_0007As I walked up Loscoe Road I noticed the Carrington Pottery people had painted high up on their corner building ‘1891’ – by Jiminy that makes it older than my bomb-site that was built in 1902.

The weather was a bit drab but again not cold with it.

Up the hill and down it again towards Sherwood.

I noticed that the sign warning us about car thieves operating in this area had been stolen – well I say stolen, it had disappeared from the Methodist Church lamp-post where it was yesterday.

IMG_0008Down the hill, the sky looking foreboding and not many folk about again.

As I passed the corner mini-market on the left I noticed the police taking two Nottingham apprentice yobboes to to their car.

Shop-lifters I should think?

I plodded on down the hill and as I was approaching the Computer shop I bumped into BJ. No time for a natter as he was on his way out somewhere.

IMG_0009At the traffic lights with Haydn Road a grey car had parked blocking the pavement – anyone on a disability scooter would have had to go onto the road to pass – Tsk!

Oddly enough I didn’t notice any pavement cyclists today – rare that!

A heated argument was taking place outside the pub as I passed by – no way I was going to risk taking a photograph of them as they verbally abused each other and squared up nose to nose.

IMG_0010I got to the computer shop and the chappy bloke welcomed me cheerily asking if I was alright – I replied with a smile on my face “No! I’ve laptop problems with the last one you sold me mate!”

His demeanour changed.

Inchy: “I’ve been getting messages on booting-up telling me the power supply unit was not strong enough. You remember I mentioned this last week to you, and you said it is the right one?”

Computer chappy bloke: “Yer…”

Inchy: “Well I then began getting same message but additional one telling me it is not recognised – connected not charging now?”  

Computer chappy bloke: “Let’s have a look then (Sigh!)

Inchy: “Here you are…”

After 30 seconds of booting it up:

Computer chappy bloke: “I’ll give you another one then!”

Inchy: “Cheers”

I bought a USB hoover thingy and USB multi-connection off of him.

All sorted (I hope).

IMG_0011As I started to walk back to Carrington at the exact place where flash-boy had parked his car blocking the pavement on me way into Sherwood, a woman was stood waiting for a lift – the female driver pulled up on double yellow lines half on half off the pavement – seconds after I took this photo a bus had to veer in passing the Ford Escort and papped his horn.

Didn’t half make the poor gal walking to get into the car jump!

On up the hill and down into Carrington.

IMG_0013As I passed St John’s church some flowers that had been left at an old gravestone caught my eye, they looked so pretty against the backdrop.

Apprentice yobboes sat drinking in the twitchel, so I took the long route to avoid them.

Although me ailments seemed less bothersome today – I still had the fatigue and tiredness overcome me when I got back to the hovel.

WC’d.

IMG_0014Had a microwave mince and potato nosh with a cuppa – then set to seeing if the laptop power supply was working – it seemed okay – I’m glad to say.

I’d forgot to call at the GP Tut! never mind, I’ll call tomorrow when I hope to get a good walk about done.

So tired again, it’s unreal. If it keeps going like this I be getting up WCing having a cuppa and me porridge and going back to sleep again, there’ll be no time to anything done! Hehe!

Oh, just remembered I’ve got the clinic appointment tomorrow – mustn’t forget that.

Oh sugar-nuggets! I forgot to post me samples off as well.

Did some facebooking and this diary to date, but weariness won again and I tried to get me head down – and it isn’t even dark yet. Tsk!

Woke an hour or so later and did me Angiogram post then titivated this and posted it.

Not tired now… Tut and Tsk!

Wednesday 18th March 2015

Mess of a night again sleep-wise, my current habit of nodding off any-time anywhere isn’t helping I suppose.

I eventually awoke around 0630 hrs and did my best to remember the dreams I’d had – but nothing at all of any detail came to me – although I remember telling myself more than once ‘I must remember and record this…’ but no notes found?

WC’d.

Not sure, but I have a feeling something needed doing today?

IMG_0015I stirred and went and made a cuppa and a pot of porridge and got the now working laptop on to start this diary. Bit of a cock-up on the porridge stakes though, I thought I’d got a pot of plain porridge and out some honey in it – it turned out it was a pot already flavoured with golden syrup – er-ugh… far too sweet to eat. Tut!

Tried to do the header in Coreldraw9 and it let me do so without freezing for once.

Eventually go missen scrubbed up and while doing me teggies I remembered the clinic visit!

So hobbled a bit faster so as to get missen ready and be there on time.

Walked to the clinic intending to catch the bus back to town to have me photographicalisical trip around the Cash-shops all within 5 minutes walk of each other on Upper Parliament Street in Nottingham.

After the clinic (All fine) I realised I had not got me bus-pass with me – Huh!

0402MR1

Set off on walk today

Walked back to the hovel and collected it – came out again and amazingly I felt good enough to walk into town then – worrying that!

As I approached the Hucknall Road lights I heard the sound of klaxons and got my camera out to await the arrival of the emergency vehicles, it turned out to be two ambulances, the traffic was light.

0403MRartSome Nottingham pavement Art interested me near the college…

What it was confused me – it might have been food judging by the bits of something scattered around the main body of the artwork, I think I saw something moving from the bowels of the… whatever it was?

0403acctvAs I hobbled on, ever alert for any photographicalisational opportunity th might arise – I spotted sparks coming from the CCTC at the traffic lights on Mansfield Road as I came into the City proper.

I realised later that I’d taken a shot of the old school building clock in the background -it’s now a Community Centre for drop-outs etc.

0404noheadHouse of Fraser had a display of some mannequin legs in jeans and shoes sat on a bench – they did not have any torso and I suppose were a way of saving costs?

Very odd looking to me – how many customers are they expecting who are headless and bodiless? Still, it shows they care about the minorities dunnit? Hehehe!

0410slabI wandered up and onto Parliament Street, down to Long Row to take a few photographs of the Spiv-Money shops and into the City Centre – where I found a Market with 20 or so stalls selling a variety of overpriced impractical rather upper class goods.

There was little interest being shown.

0411Cycl

My first Nottingham pavement Cyclist of the day spotted.

I wandered back up to Upper Parliament Street and took photo’s of the selection of the immoral pay-day loan, pawnbroker, cash lenders, money-sharks whatever you wish to call them situated on that road.

TFZ06

0412CyclThe second Nottingham pavement Cyclist spotted, the git didn’t half the lady jump as the ignorant animal sped passed her.

0412woverI made me way down to the walk-over and took a snap – again showing the Nottingham pedestrian citizenry’s total and flagrant lack of interest in road safety.

0413vicI walked through the Victoria shopping centre mall again taking a photograph from above of the Boost juice bar – I have yet to catch anyone actually using it and buying anything from it?

Down to Tesco for me bread, ice-cream lollies and cheapo min-swiss rolls

By golly I live well!

0414vicCame out from Vic centre near where they were demolishing the old Radio Nottingham car park, much to the entertainment of the workers watching.

Hobbled over to Trinity Walk, with surprising ease today, despite my having walked for so long and far, Arthur Itis and Anne Gyna were both being kind to me.

TFZ01I spotted some… er… ornaments in the jewellers shop window and took a snap of them

They were really expensive, I just wondered what they were?

I caught the bus back to the flea-pit, just starting to feel a bit weary now.

Got in and put me bits away – made a cuppa and had three microwave burgers in bread thins with a bit of BBQ sauce, two lollies and a banana – the Queen doesn’t eat better than wot I do yer know.

Had the nosh and fell asleep.

Woke a couple of hours later and got this done.

Phoned brother-in-law Pete to see how Sister Jane and he were doing. He’s got the flu now, but Jane is a tad better.

Took me medications, passed wind and WC’d.

Did some facebooking and posted this off to WordPress.

TTFN all.

Friday 20th March 2015

Woke up remembering bits of a dream and the urgency to post off me samples this morning.

WC – failed attempt – took me medications.

The urgency of sending off me samples soon made me forget everything about the dreams (Tut!) as I got myself up and ready to have a little walk to the post-0401box.

As I left the dump Fred came down for his breakfast of sunflower seeds and earthworms.

Within a few paces of setting off Anne Gyna made her presence known in no uncertain terms – worse than she’s been for 0402months now, Tsk! If it ain’t one thing it’s another!

Not many folk about, but then again it is early yet – the gloomy in the sky fitted with my feeling of gloom with stab after stab from Anne Gyna accompanied me.

It actually got darker and gloomier as I poddled to the end of the road.

I could hear emergency services sirens close by but saw nothing – the sound continued with I 0403think other vehicles joining them – I could not smell any burning?

Breathing a bit difficult by the time I’d got through the twitchel and on to Mansfield Road.

Some more pigeons came down for a nibble.

0404I took a photograph from opposite the end of the twitchel – in reality it was gloomy with a feint bit of sunshine coming through the clouds – but it did not come out like it was – shame.

0406The cheery bin-men were happily plying their trade in Carrington this morning.

I walked down the road and around the block to ensure I got some exercise in.

As I knew Anne Gyna would incapacitate me a bit today from past experiences of her attacks. Tut!

0405This photo on the right is a better representation of the cool misty morning in Carrington this morning.

Note the letter box next to the waste-bin on the kerbside?

That’s the one I walked passed contentedly forgetting that the reason I was out in the first place was to post me samples off that I’d forgotten about yesterday… and Wednesday too!

I was off down the road hobbling along into the distance in my own little meandering world around the block and realised I’d forgot again to posted them again, so I returned to do this post haste.

0407Now, the bin being next to the post-box might not cause problems for most people – but take the scenario of an elderly partly-senile Inchcock attempting to do a simple job of posting an envelope – he is bound to post his letter into the bin in error while his mind wanders ain’t he?

Well I didn’t actually drop the letter into the bin – but it was close – only just stopped missen. Tsk!

TomBusI returned to the bomb-site and took some extra pain-killers to try and quell the intentions of Anne Gyna.

WC’d – failed to pass owt again but blood from the haemorrhoids flowed. Tut!

At least Arthur Itis is not too bad today.

Ballet2Laptop on and started this diary – Coreldraw9 not froze yet.

Sod it, it has now!

Did some graphics all the same, just took more hassle and bother.

AndyBusThese three are wot I dun of the TFZ lads.

Thomas (An actual Train engineer).

David, with his dog Spike.

Meritt and me on the stagecoach delivering citizens and Wells Fargo mail.

I nodded off for an hour or two and woke up with the torn muscle under me ribs very painful again – Gnash! Maybe I moved awkwardly in me slumber, or sneezed? Either way I’m in agony again.

Tsk!

Saturday 21st March 2015

Woke in agony from the torn muscle – very disappointed with that, I thought it was improving too. Huh!

I suppose I must have sneezed or turned badly in me slumber?

IMG_0045No passings – on the porcelain yet despite two attempts, not passed for a day and a half up to now.

I went down and made a cup of tea then took me medications.

Popped out and took a photo of the sky in front of the hovel – very gloomy – just like me at the moment! Hehe!

Started this diary and then did me ablutions and applied me creams lotions and pain gel.

Not feeling too good, but decided to risk a little walk into town only, where I can get back sharpish in the event of any dizzies or worse.

The arthritis, haemorrhoids and ulcer all seem calmish, the angina and pulled muscle were competing to see which could give me the most discomfort.

REgMDid a bit of graphicationalisationing for the TFZ on Facebook.

Not one of me best efforts I’m afraid.

0701sherGot myself titivated and prettified (What a challenge that was!).

Assembled the bits for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop and set off on me walk to Sherwood.

The sky still looking a tad sad as I hobbled over the hill towards Sherwood – and noticed that there were few folk about for a Saturday.

702artA bit further on I came across some Nottingham Street Art in the form of a musical instrument box laid open (presumably it held a Clarinet or whichever instrument it held before being stolen and dumped).

Artfully displayed between a lamppost and a telegraph pole, laying open as a plea for humanity to be kinder to musical instruments and for the crooked elements of society to stop nicking stuff?

Hobbled on to the Charity shop and left me bits for them and then I caught the bus into town.

0703cityI wandered up through Trinity Square and took this photographicalisation of the row with food retailers with outside ‘have a fag chairs’ on their frontages – it was gone 1100hrs but many of them had not yet put out their chairs and seats – mind you, with so few more-money-than-sense Nottinghomians about, I couldn’t fault them.

I caught me reflection in a window of a shop (Scary that I can tell yers!).

I looked old, welmish and disabled. Having said 0703acitythat I am old, welmish and disabled and wondered why it should have shocked me so. Hey-ho!

I was looking for a window with ‘Bling’ on display to take a photo of it for the TFZ gals when I wondered down Trinity Walk and as I was zooming in on the ‘Bling’ a lady appeared.

I considered momentarily popping in and asking how much they wanted for her… not really!

0704cityI wandered down into the slab square where I intended to catch the tram to Bulwell to see if Fultons Foods had acquired any of me blackcurrant ice-cream lollies for me to purchase.

The Nottingham Post newspaper stall I just had to take a photograph of:

Murders, rapes, muggings, burglaries, unemployment, car crimes, benefit cheats etc were the things I expected to see as the headlines. What was the top and first headlines? “4 Free Toilet Rolls with your Nottingham Post!”

Made me think that did!

0705cityThe slab square fountains for the kids had attracted one 20ish year old chap who couldn’t resist paddling through it fully clothed.

The market stalls were open again but few people were attending. Not surprising really, they were not offering anything different or any better value then anywhere else, dearer if anything – but the Nottingham Council has to raise money from somewhere for the benefits to be paid yer know.

I hobbled to the tram stop at the rear of this fountain photograph.

0708tramArthur Itis and the haemorrhoids were being kind to me at this point.

Anne Gyna and the pulled muscle were making their presence known though Huh!

I remembered to swipe me free pensioners bus pass card at the station before getting on the tram.

Not many folk on it today, I had a look around and noticed that of the eight passengers on board, two were not on mobile phones… and one of them was me!

The tram soon filled up with noisy Nottinghamian’s.

When it arrived in Bulwell I nearly got caught in the rush of folk to get off urgently. No idea why, but they all disappeared rapidly once they did get off?

Surreal it were… hypnagogic!

0709BulI walked to and through the Bulwell Market – such a sad sight nowadays.

First port of call was Fultons Foods in search and hopes of getting some blackcurrant ice-cream lollies – no such luck. Tsk!

They did however have some ‘Hunters sausages’ at the ridiculously low price of 89p for a pack of 4 ready cooked ones. So I got myself a pack, and it was in-date too.

There were so many mobility scooters about it scared me a tad. I rested a while and watched them on and around the market – it’s amazing how they all managed to avoid hitting any one.

I made my way to the bus station and caught a bus back to Carrington.

0710busEn-route the sun did its best to break through the gloomy clouds and I took a picture of it through the bus window.

Beginning to get bother from the rear end now – but I think the Angina was easing – so swings and roundabouts yer know?

Dropped off the bus on Hucknall Road and limped down to the hovel, feeding the pigeons en-route like.

WC’d – Success on the movement department! Hurrah!

0711eatI made up me meal, Hunters Sausages, two baked potatoes, beetroot and garden peas… oh and a bit of pork pie with the crust removed – not the jelly of course I loved that. Hehehe!

Watched a DVD while I consumed me nosh…

Then fell asleep.

Woke just in time to take me evening medications.

Had a drink out of the flask (Tea!) and downloaded photographs and resized them and did this diary.

I phoned sister Jane to ascertain her and Pete’s health, and it was not too good for either of them, but they are still leading a good social life and that’s good for them. Not wanting to risk mixing our ailments it is frustrating not being able to see them.

Posted the diary then did some Facebooking.

TTFN all.

Sunday 21st March 2015

IMG_0057Bad night for kip again – woke up and nodded off again, normally I’m up and about straight away?

I tried the porcelain hoping for a movement without any luck

Went down and put kettle on and popped out into the gloomy (Again) morning to take me daily piccy of the sky.

I made a flask of tea and a pot of porridge and took it with me to the laptop and started it up.

IMG_0058I was concerned the porridge might make the lack of any movements worse – but I ate it all the same.

Minutes later a call to the porcelain proved to be a success despite having eaten the porridge.

I pondered on how me ailments felt this morning up to now:

No dizzies yet. The ulcer was as good as gold, the reflux valve not sticking, Arthur Itis and Anne Gyna not bad at all but the torn muscle was still painful, but today only when I bent or lifted anything heavy.

A better start medically speaking I thought – then remembered the other day starting like this… Mmm!

Decided to risk a little hobble later, perhaps to town then get a bus to Morrisons to treat myself to some Marmite Crisps? – who knows, the world is my oyster… WWarnLie0703MarmDo you like me header for this page folks – Marmite Mad I am.

They make more things than you’d imagine.

Although I have me doubts about the toothpaste? (See header) 

Got myself readied and spick and span and set off with me bus-pass, umbrella, medications and bird seed for a walk into town – still undecided where to go yet.

0701Set off feeding Fatima and Fred who followed my down to Mansfield Road.

The sky looked bright, but not much sun was getting through.

I poddled on my walk into Nottingham City Centre.

I foolishly rang Sister Jane and Pete en route – the traffic increased as soon as we were connected and the whole conversation was a farce – I couldn’t hear Pete, Pete couldn’t hear me.

0702As soon I gave up and stopped the call the traffic disappeared.

I carried on down the hill into the City and found it busier that I expected.

I went to try and catch the bus out to Netherfield and the Morrisons store in search of any Marmite infested products they may have on sale.

On arrival at the bus stop I perused the time-table to find that the buses were only every hour for 0705today. Not good that I thought.

I decided to not bother with Morrisons today, and walked over the road into the Victoria Centre and through to the other end to visit the Tesco Metro on me mission for Marmite instead.

I called in the DVD shop en route and had a gander but nothing appealed at all.

As I plodded on I noticed a store window that was displaying children’s stuff with models 0703without heads? What with seeing the jeans without torsos yesterday I wondered why these displays had grown in popularity with the the retailers?

Mind you, I liked the styles of the togs on sale.

I got into Tesco and had a good hunt around – found some Marmite Crisps and Salt & Vinegar baked biscuits and other bits and spent a fortune £17!

Had a dizzy spell as I left the store – not a bad one, but none of them are good – 0704must get to see Dr Vindla about these soon.

I stood for a while and recovered in moments this time, so that was good.

Out into the fresh air and I fed the pigeons near the demolition of the old Radio BBC building.

So many of the pigeons have damaged legs and claws. That’s because of the wires and electrified obstacles they have all over the buildings in an effort to stop them from landing on or roosting on 0708their buildings and unthinkingly crapping all over the concrete I think.

The demolition people seem to be getting a move on with the buildings destruction now.

I wondered what plans they might have for the site in the future?

Surely we do not need more shops or student accommodation?

If they put as much effort into housing ordinary 0707people as they do to housing students the problems would… mind you I suppose with the decline of industry in Nottingham, Education is bringing in the money instead?

I don’t know.

I wondered down into town again and my keen observationalistic nature noted the Nottingham citizenry crossing the road against the traffic lights continues unabated.

0709An argument near the Pound World shop between two families was raging, with threats bad language and not good body signs in abundance.

I crossed the road and removed myself form the firing line.

As I walked to me bus-stop to get home the window of the jewellery store there 0710had a display Rolex watches of which used a cage with stuffed parrots or cockatiels in the display.

Original that I thought.

I got the bus back to Carrington enoying another dizzy as I got off the bus. Sat on a bench for a few minutes and was soon alright again, then continued back to the flea-pit.

Put me things away, made a meal of Beef slice and cheesey potatoes, followed by a bag of Marmite crisps then a lolly.

I fell asleep, waking up at gone midnight… Missed me evening medicines dose. Tsk!

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Met Police Investigate Birthday Greetings Sent To Youthful Satirical Magazine Editor

 

Dee, 19, pictured checking the time of the next race at last week’s Cheltenham Festival

 

The East London Fraud Squad have been investigating the Birthday wishes sent to satirical magazine editor, Clivey Dee, 19,  via various internet connections.

Soz crime correspondent, Gaz Hoadley, 97, who was being questioned under caution at a West London police station over a silly misunderstanding regarding some Chippendale furniture, which was subsequently found to be made from balsa wood, obtained a copy of these birthday wishes while rifling through a filing cabinet when the investigating officer went for a piss:

Communication 01:

Dear Mr Dee, 19, Please have a good birthday, and stop buying Golden Virginia tobacco that was made in Latvia please.

Kurt Goebbels – Imperial Tobacco Chairman

Communication 02:

Many happy returns and thank you for your loyal support, without which, we would not have survived the current financial situation.

Manager of The Boleyn Arms, Green Street, Upton Park, East London

Communication 03:

We show gratitude for the work you have achieved in the name of North Korean doctrine that the imperialists have become ever more frantic in their reactionary ideological offensive to keep capitalism from falling into the abyss of ruin and dampen the growing desire for humankind to adopt the North Korean socialism. Oh, and thanks for the home-made parsnip Absinthe – I will forward the requested phosgene sarin nerve agent capsules as soon as your Bank Of Toytown cheque is cleared.

Kim Jong-un: Ever-victorious Iron-willed Commander, Son of Socialism, Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradeship and Honorary Member of the East London Proletariat Revolutionary Movement..

Communication 04:

We would like collectively to thank you for your allowing the families of illegal immigrants from Lithuania, Bulgaria and Afghanistan to live in hiding in your cellar for a pittance for six weeks. May your day be pleasant – and if you could find some time to supply us with food and water this would be also appreciated. Bless you.

Gregorez Wieska and family members

Communication 05:

Happy Birthday Mr Dee,19,  Your order for the pig iron knuckle dusters is en-route.

Adolph Lucan, Argentinian Supplies Ltd.

Communication 06:

Best wishes on your Birthday Sir Clivey, 19. Could you please confirm order received 16th March this year for arsenic capsules from your account shared with your wife?

Gaztop’s Assassination Support Supplies, Nottingham.

Maliciously written by Gerald ‘Inchcock’ Chambers

Heroically edited and stoically, albeit grudgingly, accepted by Clivey Dee, 19JUST!

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Letters To LOMM

Jo Stalin

These letters were discovered in Gary Hoadley’s basement by one of his kidnap victims and smuggled out by his brute-like servant, Gerald Chambers, 137, while Hoadley was having tea with his dark-skinned advisor, or witchdoctor, in the upstairs billiard room.

Dear League Of Mental Men

I went to the theatre the other night to see; “Calamity Jane”. What a load of old
rubbish that turned out to be! First of all, the guns were not real…or the blood!
Then, to top it all, there was a woman dressed as a bloke, the dirty, depraved, bastard.
Apparently, this Calamity Jane was a real person. Well I’ve never heard of her so how can this be true? In my opinion, it’s yet another homosexual play that’s slipped past the censors.

Your Faithfully

Bob Racist

The Mumbles

Penge

*******************************

Dear League Of Mental Men

I opened my front door this morning to find the entire street had disappeared. My Albert said it could be woodworm, but I think it’s all these foreign types stealing our houses and taking them back to their foreign lands.

Mrs Morpeth, from number 7, had her garden shed disappear. It turned up 4 months later in Nigeria being used as a supermarket. Thank God she had one of those radar things put on it or her Sid would not have been able to mow the grass. They will steal anything these days won’t they?

Yours Sincerely

Eileen Hate-Filled-Bigot

The Cliff top

Dover

Kent

Lovingly written by Gary Hoadley

Savagely edited by Clivey Dee,19.

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ELVIS PRESLEY & THE CUCUMBER OF DESTINY

elvis

Derek the Graceland Gardener: “Oi, Elvis me old mucker, as you requested I did the springtime planting; you know the assorted salad leaves, the cucumbers, tomatoes, radishes, spring onions and all that – basically everything you wanted. Also mate the summer fruits have long since come to fruition, the berries, well what can I say but a bumper crop this year. Of course me pride and joy are the marrows – absolute crackers I can tell you.  The thing is they are going to go to seed if you don’t have a good scoff of them soon mate.”

Elvis: “Nice one Dellboy. Shame mate, I’ve just had an entire loaf of Italian bread, hollowed out, and filled with peanut butter, grape jam, and an entire pound of bacon.* You know, I’ve got to take care of me figure what with the Memphis concerts coming up. Can’t have me public persona going to worms can we?

Derek: “Blimey Elvis, that’s 4,200 calories you’ve scoffed there, mate.”

Elvis: “Yes Dell, I had to leave room for me pudding didn’t I. Look son, Svetlana the maid is, as we speak, bringing me out the four scoops of ice cream with the six chocolate chip cookies sprinkled thereon – usually I have the full bucket of ice cream but today I thought I’d think of me figure; you know cut back a tad.”

Derek: “Very wise my son. Well what should I do with all the green stuff then?”

Elvis: “Tell you what, so that it’s not all wasted chuck us over a cucumber I’ll nibble on it in tandem with mouthfuls of ice cream.”

A SHORT TIME LATER

Derek: “Christ Elvis, are you all right. You do look rough mate.”

Elvis: “That bloody cucumber will be the death of me you know – I never realized how filling they are! I’m just off to the karzi. Reckon if I have a number 2 it might help a tad.”

A SHORT TIME LATER ELVIS REGRETTABLY DIED WHILST PERCHED UPON THE LOO

  • In his book ‘What the Great Ate’ Mark Jacob pointed out that the meal described was a particular favourite of Elvis. It claims that more often than not he would eat more than one of these snacks daily between main meals.

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Letterz To LOMM

Jo Stalin

Dear League Of Mental Men

Charity shop owners. Do me a huge favour by slagging off Sir Elton John’s adopted kids, thus saving me an absolute fortune on the wife’s birthday when I boycott their goods.

Toby Manatee

Tampa Bay

Clivey

 

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